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Weekend Discussion Thread: MSTed Movie Character Dating Profiles

Alert regular Fart Bargo suggests

Dating sites are popular these days so I thought that it would be interesting what characters of the MST3K universe might write up about themselves on one of these sites. An example would be June Talbot AKA The Leech Woman.

Wanted Young Men for casual dating. Rich Cougar attracted to the arrogant, abusive and stupid. Large pineal gland a plus!

How about: “Single green gil man seeks sexy ichthyologist who knows her way around an electric prod.”

Your turn.

96 Replies to “Weekend Discussion Thread: MSTed Movie Character Dating Profiles”

  1. Jay says:

    Jack Frost –

    SWF (some say I’m impossibly cute) seeks big bear of a guy. Warm personality a real plus.


  2. Kenneth Morgan says:

    MWM seeks SWF. Object: matrimony. Should be attractive and provide own flimsy nightgown. Must be tolerant of polygamy and relationships with younger females. Be prepared to obey my will without question. Send replies to “The Master”, Valley Lodge, c/o USPS, El Paso office.

    EXCERPT FROM EL PASO POLICE DEPT. REPORT: After a third attempt to post the enclosed personal ad, following two previous rejections, Lone Star Matchmakers contacted their local precinct. The address of the sender was determined and a warrant was obtained. The subject was placed under arrest and is being held on multiple charges. Social services was notified to aid with the other subjects found at the scene.


  3. Ray Dunakin says:

    Manic SWF with car fetish seeks romance w/man of mystery. Baritones only, pls.


  4. Ray Dunakin says:

    Russian SWM/occasional bear seeks hard-working child bride. Must tolerate bragging, shedding, cudgel-tossing.


  5. Andy says:

    Depressed dubbed SWF seeks SWM with gray MG and pseudo Southern accent for parties/ fights on Party Beach. Minimal scientific knowledge and access to sodium a must.


  6. The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE says:

    Are You Ready For This? Strong-chinned engineer seeking marriage material, if you’re ready. Must love popular songs AND orchestras. I also enjoy playing with dolls and color charts. Mousiness a plus.

    Let’s Make Beautiful Music Together! Sexually frustrated composer seeks companionship. Must be willing to remain in a sexless marriage for up to one year while I spend an entire day re-writing one song by playing it with a slightly different rhythm. Must be willing to experiment with hallucinogens and kitchen appliances. Belief in the afterlife optional.

    I’m Out of This World! Aging Romulan seeks smug companion to lord our superior relationship over all those around us. Antiquated opinions of college-age drinking a plus.


  7. Operation Weasel-Snitch says:

    Snausage lover? Often daydream of miniature chuck wagons coming out of the television? Must enjoy long walks in the Painted Hills, scooting and piling on.


  8. Johnny's nonchalance says:

    Dear Lonely Hearts,

    Seeking angst ridden and callous drifter loner to take walks by the pond. It’s a deal breaker if you smell like brussels sprouts.

    I’ll meet you at the local diner on Saturday night. I’ll be wearing the yellow dress with ruffles.

    Yours truly,
    She’s so very


  9. Kali says:

    SWM seeks intelligent and capable SWF who nevertheless gets manipulated at every turn by bad guys. Must be willing to be carried and lifted while I fly at a sixty degree angle breaking all the laws of physics. Capable of raising little Puma Men a must. Ability to entertain giant Aztecs without warning of visit a plus. Knowledge of what pumas are actually capable of not essential. Contact me at TonyPharms at


  10. Ro-man says:

    Svelte & sexy golden ‘bot seeks “Mannequin” star Kim Cattrell for walks in the dell, enjoying your smell, and a relationship that will gel. I think you’re really swell. Contact me at


  11. staytogethercheeks says:

    Doughy, bald, middle-aged English has-been seeks tall, bearded, greasy man for; world domination, involuntary hypnosis, dressing up in shiny vinyl-leather, and killing Tony Farms.
    Must enjoy voyeur activities involving the worlds top leaders.

    You only live twice, why not contact ?


  12. Ro-man says:

    Single puffy-faced enigmatic loner-type guy looking for single lady for anti-heroics. Sure I’ll abandon you, but I’ll come back for you… maybe. Must have the stomach for long sloppy kisses. Hair optional. No geeks, dorks, or d***heads,

    (gosh this one’s fun!)


  13. Kenneth Morgan says:

    WWF seeks SWM. Object: companionship, possibly marriage. Must be intelligent and NOT gullible pawn of alien invaders. Must get along with fellow rocket scientists. I’m a smart, non-passive modern woman; if you try to take over the Earth, I’ll blast your head off. (And don’t believe the stories; no alien carrot can kill me!) Send replies to


  14. Ray Dunakin says:

    Spineless teen dweeb seeks creepy hobo for ambiguous relationship. Must be willing to teach ins and outs of being a drifter, self-defense, protection of virginity.


  15. Ro-man says:

    Ambiguously-accented verevölf who loves nightlife seeks lady w?rwüülf for nocturnal canine activities. Alternatively, any non-lycanthrope lady who is open to the possibility of becoming a w??rv?ó?lf. Or a V??irrW?LLF. Also, members of the cast of “Cats”.


  16. Blonde Russian Spy says:

    Arrogant mad scientist seeks dimwitted but lovable assistant for long-term employment and creepy, inappropriate relationship. Must have no friends, no life, and be willing to permanently relocate to my underground lair. Must also be willing to be killed on a regular basis. Spit-curls a plus.


  17. staytogethercheeks says:

    For “Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders”

    Aggressive journalist seeks passive woman to help demolish small businesses with scathing articles. Barren womb a plus. Must be willing to engage in baby/diaper play.

    Bahahaha…I had forgotten just how much that story took a turn for the weird…and I don’t use that word often.


  18. MarcusVermilion says:

    Single Wild female seeking heroic sword and sorcerer male. Must have a diet that only consists of potatoes. Mother says, “Potatoes are what we eat!”


  19. ck says:

    (From the Film Crew)

    Hi! How are you Crocodile High Prriestess? I’m speaking for all the really cute girls here on Wongo. Our daddys are really mean and…


    Yeah sure, whatever. Anyway, they want us to marry some real uggos on the other side of our “paradise” but this really cute prince came by and…


    Yeah, sure. So we were sent to the baby crocodile’s pool (they’re so cute when you strangle them :) ) but then the handsome pince and budddies came along and, while they’re cute, they’re dumb as rocks, so Cindy, Denise, and me captured and tied them up (actually they seemed pretty, ah, excited about that) so…


    You know that is getting really annoying. Just friggin’ marry us already. Make it som group thing. You know, uggo couples on one side, the hunks and their babes on another. And if you say DANCE! one more time… Ye Gods.


  20. digital_trucker says:

    So; this is what the kids are into today, is it?


  21. Ray Dunakin says:

    Single female police officer desperately seeks sponge-worthy male. Chubby, incompetent Texans need not apply. Gina@goaheadon.malta


  22. The Might Untrained FOOZLE says:

    Missed Connection: Cabot? Cabot! Cabot? Cabot? Cabot? Cabot! Cabot! Cabot. Cabot. Cabot? Cabot!


  23. Hotchka! says:

    Closeted failed medical experiment looking for head. Don’t care about your body. If you’re in a Pan, I’m your man!


  24. Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy says:

    Older SWM Master Ninja seeks lovely Asian lady to rub the occasional shuriken out of his back.

    My idea of a nice relaxed evening is taking in a spaghetti western and a good bottle of port, slowly sipped under the shooting stars.

    Serious inquires only, please.

    While I possess the steely ball bearing eyes of a twenty-five year old, I am older. I don’t want to waste your time, nor my own.

    No vans. No drama. No premature earth burials.

    Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt.

    Thanks. I appreciate it.

    ( Pet hamsters are fine if well mannered on the wheel. )


  25. MarcusVermilion says:

    Single white shape shifting female witch seeking SWM. Must enjoy long walks in the forest at night, pet imps, and the occasional Satanic ritual. Must also have a strong stomach as said ritual involves beheading. Fat innkeepers, grave diggers who constantly sing and hypnotic time travelers need not apply.


  26. Gare.Chicago says:

    Rescue me!

    SWF who previously lived in a popsicle fort with no gate seeks burly, oven-mitt wearing Russian mythological hero (hopefully not paralyzed) to share the bounty of my magic tablecloth with (because I’m sick of dragon sandwiches).

    Must not drive a Tugar from your Lincoln/Mercury dealer or sound like Boris Badenov. I’m already picking out bird type names for our potential offspring. Ability to capture Dizzy Gullispe-esqe Wind Demons a plus. Rooting up the tree stumps not necessary, but we would have a tree-stump of fun!

    Contact vilya@invincor.rus


  27. Gare.Chicago says:

    Saw you in museum. You took bone. I chased you.


  28. Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy says:

    Ooops, I almost forgot! I have two contact mailboxes here where you can reach me:

    #322 and #324

    – Master Ninja


  29. Ray Dunakin says:

    Oily ranch hand seeks virginal young lady for light peeping and occasional leering. Footie peignoirs OK. Additional female bedmates welcome! Dowsing and tray-sure hunting a plus. No evil winds or disembodied heads, please.


  30. Ray Dunakin says:

    Ladies, do you like heavy metal, getting thrown out of bars, running in your underwear, and sucking up hot tub water? Obnoxious Canadian teens seeking sleazy chicks for night of drunken cruising, homicide. Must be responsive to juvenile sexual innuendoes. Will search twelve provinces to find you! Free Mentos included!


  31. Cornjob says:

    Demure, slightly hippie-ish, self sacrificing, barefoot horseback rider seeks supportive reliable friend to help me get over the recent loss of my family and abduction by ant obsessed lunatic. Statisticians OK, but no entomologists, experimental scientists, or hyperintelligent bugs (I will step on you).


  32. Cornjob says:

    Shriveled, depressed, lethargic, National Socialist, geneticist, fish man seeks beautiful woman for light kidnapping, bdsm, and eventual transformation into human fish. No freaks or weirdos.


  33. Savvy says:

    Single white female seeks an electrician boyfriend. Must be skinny and enjoy long makeout sessions on the beach. Must be an Italian pretending to be a Floridian and enjoy working on the ocean searching for prehistoric species.


  34. MarcusVermilion says:

    Single white fortune telling female seeking SM. If you are into giant facial moles I’m your gal! Must give in to my advances while I tell your fortune. If not I will turn you into a mixed up zombie YOU FEEEELTHY PEEEEEEG!


  35. Ray Dunakin says:

    Demure, slightly hippie-ish, self sacrificing, barefoot horseback rider seeks supportive reliable friend to help me get over the recent loss of my family and abduction by ant obsessed lunatic. Statisticians OK, but no entomologists, experimental scientists, or hyperintelligent bugs (I will step on you).

    Ok, I give up. I’ve been racking my tiny brain but so far this isn’t ringing any bells. Which ep is this?


  36. Ray Dunakin says:

    Leather-faced, not-so-bright, heavy drinking, dull-witted speed freak who poops in his pants, seeks crunchy-haired female corn detasseler. Object: “Refueling”. I’ll supply the dexies!


  37. Cornjob says:

    #85: The character is Kendra Eldridge from Phase 4, episode 9 from the KTMA years.


  38. Steve Vil says:

    “I’m a virgin. It stinks. Inbox me.”


  39. Brock Lee Rubberband says:

    Grimald Warrior seeks bear for days filled with Boar hunts and all night arm (and other limbs!) wrestling. Must be amenable to wearing dog fur.



  40. Saint Stryfe says:

    SHW – Single Hispanic Wrestler – looking for SHL – Single Hispanic Luchadora – to share monster hunting adventures with. Experience with supernatural, Lucha Libre and massages a plus, but not required. Love of capes a big plus. No one prone to mind control, please. Contact


  41. Kenneth Morgan says:

    Middle-aged SWM government employee seeks SWF. Object: no-strings companionship. Should be skilled in marksmanship, and know their way around a judo range. Liking of cardigans a plus. Must not care just exactly how I keep the apple pie on the table. Double agents working for Communists not preferred, but will accept. BYO spore gun. Reply to


  42. Ray Dunakin says:

    Good things come in small packages! Former jockey with mob ties seeks large, big-breasted lady wrestler for 3-point takedown. Will also leer while you jog or jump rope. Romulan-style eyebrows a plus.


  43. MarcusVermilion says:

    Single wussy Barbarian Warrior seeking strong Viking Woman. Must be able to hunt dangerous wild animals………and let me take the credit for killing it.


  44. Ray Dunakin says:

    Help me. Mousie Russian gal seeks kinky American willing to listen from closet while she gets busy with fat, bald, drunk.


  45. Ray Dunakin says:

    Do you like coffee and baggy jumpsuits? Then I’m your gal! Helmet-haired skydiver seeks single male coffee addict for bland, meaningless semi-relationship. You can help me pick up the pieces (literally!) after my husband’s parachute is sabotaged.


  46. Ray Dunakin says:

    Skinny, pale Yankee seeks skinny, pale Southern gal. Borrow a truck from your creepy neighbor and let’s go antiquing! We can share unpleasant encounters with an oily redneck sheriff, hunt for Mr. Beardsley, and then I’ll set you up on a fishing date with a dangerously inbred halfwit.


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