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Weekend Discussion Thread: Most Useless Law Enforcement

Alert regular “Smoothie of Great Power” suggests:

I re-watched Wild Rebels last night and had the thought, “You know, out of all the useless police in these movies, these guys are the worst. At least even the ones in Manos didn’t get killed off left and right like this.” So, what’s the most useless police force or law enforcement person in an MSTed movie?

Gotta go with Sheriff Alan “let’s call Nassau” Hale in Giant Spider Invasion. Was he any help at all?

What’s your pick?

58 Replies to “Weekend Discussion Thread: Most Useless Law Enforcement”

  1. robot rump! says:

    the two cracker cops from ‘laserblas.’ aside from tokin’, crapping and bein’ ready for some footbaaaaallll. they just didn’t care.

       24 likes

  2. Jay says:

    Boggy Creek II –

    The local good ol’ boy police officer who gets his fish stolen by the Little Creature comes to mind. Can you imagine the conversation back at headquarters? “So, ya catch any yesterday?”. “Yup, but they got stolen right in front of me by a tiny hairy guy”.

       12 likes

  3. mthead says:

    Officer Cornjob anyone?

       11 likes

  4. Rip McStudly says:

    It isn’t just well meaning law enforcement that fails. Space Mutiny’s crooked enforcers were awful at being corrupt. They had the numbers, the gear, the Phil Collins lookalike, and they couldn’t even keep their own victims dead.

       12 likes

  5. MikeK says:

    Sheriff Pink from the movie Squirm. A pale redheaded antique dealer does his job of finding Mr. Beardsley.

       12 likes

  6. Kansas says:

    The Village of the Giants lawmen who stand around at the end and do nothing while the once giant teens (who’ve committed numerous crimes) run away. Of course if they had arrested them, they couldn’t have had the “humerous” ending with the little people.

       12 likes

  7. HauntedHill says:

    In Blood Waters of Dr Z the cop pretty much knew who would be behind such a thing the whole time….he just happened to forget until the end of the film. “Oh yeah, ol’ Doc Leopold was working onto turning a man into a fish….” *facepalms* But yeah, my first choice would have been the cops from Laserblast as well ^^

       12 likes

  8. DarkGrandmaofDeath says:

    The cops in Manos were really useless. They heard shots and investigated for an entire three seconds, by flashing a light in a general direction of the sound. Heck, they couldn’t even be effective when shooing the two smoochers! “Whatever you’re doing, go don’t do it here” didn’t seem to work as a deterrent. Sterling work there, officers.

       11 likes

  9. Son of Peanut says:

    The sheriff’s department (as well as the military) from The Creeping Terror sure come off as incompetent. Even after half the county is eaten, they still seem oblivious. When they finally start searching for the creature, our acting sheriff takes his new wife along so they can take frequent breaks to make out. “It’s nice they can be so playful after the day’s murder and mayhem.”

       11 likes

  10. AlbuquerqueTurkey says:

    From Track of the Moon Beast, Lt. Thumbs-stuck-in-Belt, along with his fellow APD officers who will shoot at any old dang thing up on the hillside.

       9 likes

  11. John Hanna says:

    Not only were the cops in ‘Angel’s Revenge’ useless, I think they were also non-existent.
    The cops in ‘Wild Rebels’ seemed perfectly okay with letting a violent biker gang kill lots of innocent people before they finally decided to move in on them.

       6 likes

  12. Charlie says:

    Alan Hale wasn’t exactly a big help in The Crawling Hand, either.

       11 likes

  13. ck says:

    Let’s not forget law enforcement people in The Violent Years.
    Stocks in gasoline stations (and hiring) must have plunged during
    the evil girls reign of terror.

    Btw, anybody got eleven dollars. Know a great place for a vacation.
    I’m thinking this film didn’t make the Legion of Decency approved list
    (although all the liberated, commie assisting girls did meet an evil
    end after turning over some desks in the high school, the vandals!!!!!!!!!!!!).

       4 likes

  14. Gary Bowden says:

    The cops in MANOS…their whole job was to harass the couple making out and stop the family for a tail light and that’s it..They didn’t inspect that noise they heard nor did they listen to the couple who said the family went down that road,which the cop said it lead nowhere.I mean,what was the point of having them in the movie if they weren’t going to do anything?
    The 2 cops in LASERBLAST didn’t do much of anything either..

       7 likes

  15. GizmonicTemp says:

    AlbuquerqueTurkey:
    From Track of the Moon Beast, Lt. Thumbs-stuck-in-Belt, along with his fellow APD officers who will shoot at any old dang thing up on the hillside.

    Yet, he DID have the local university’s geology museum close up early on his authority. That’s real big stickin’.

    Perhaps not ineffective, but underutilized is Deputy Cortez from #911: Devilfish. He’s a MASSIVE human being and there are henchmen running amok, yet he never gets to punch anyone!

       14 likes

  16. Dr. Erickson says:

    KLINE!!!!

       13 likes

  17. Sitting Duck says:

    Do private investigators count? If so, I’d go with Inspector Pratfall from Catalina Caper. From constantly falling into bodies of water to accidentally disrobing bikini babes, the man is a walking disaster area.

    If you insist on actual law enforcement officers, then it’s Deputy Joe Don Baker in Final Justice. Though the Malta police bear equal responsibility for constantly allowing him to go free.

       9 likes

  18. MSTie says:

    So many choices, so little time. I’ll go with the unseen RCMP in The Final Sacrifice. Zap calls to report a runaway kid in the back of his truck, and what happens? Nothing! They never show up. Oh, and they also obviously dropped the ball on the whole “evil murderous cult” thing.

       9 likes

  19. Mindy says:

    Any law enforcement in a Coleman Francis movie. Shoot first and never ask questions.

       17 likes

  20. Rodak says:

    Other than stroking their pet bird, standing around drinking cups of baked beans and doing battle with a Bela Lugosi stand in while their shirt is more than half ripped off.. The cops in Bride of the Monster were pretty damn useless.

       8 likes

  21. TurkeyVolumeGuessingGal says:

    The Police in Teenage Strangler. They reviewed the case of the strangled teenager in front of everyone!

       10 likes

  22. Edwin B says:

    Mitchel! He was always busting heads and jumping in and out of beds, but for actual police work he was incompetent. He undermines his superiors orders, tanks a big corruption investigation on the union lawyer by announcing he is a cop when he is supposed to be on stakeout, shoots a guy on a golf course (!), inserts himself in a dangerous situation with the drug shipment and then goes off on his own to chase the boat. His superiors didn’t do much, either. It ends up with some poor chopper pilot trying to do Mitchels work, but taking a slug. Finally Mitchel does something right and kills everybody. All the while he sleeps with and busts his hooker girlfriend.

       9 likes

  23. ck says:

    Then there’s The Beast of Yucca Flats. Let’s just fly over a desert in a
    small plane and shoot anyone moving. Heck, there’s always a chance he’s not
    an innocent person. You can’t be too careful.

       8 likes

  24. MarcusVermilion says:

    The “law enforcement” in “The Giant Spider Invasion” was pretty much useless when they tried to stop Dutch’s rent-a-mob from attacking the giant spider. “PACKERS!!!”

       7 likes

  25. Kenneth Morgan says:

    Dr. Erickson:
    KLINE!!!!

    You shouldn’t show such disrespect. Effective law enforcement, thy name is Kline.

    Anyway, I’d say it’s a tie between the lazy, bullying cops of “Laserblast”, and the easily dominated & ineffective cops from “Village of the Giants”.

       4 likes

  26. skier_pete says:

    I was also going to go with the cops of Final Justice…they let Joe Don Baker go multiple times without just deporting him. What’s up with that?

    There’s a LOT of incompetent policing in these movies. No one has mentioned the inability to track down the murdering/corpse stealing Bela Lugosi in “The Corpse Vanishes” – twice he steals a dead bride from a wedding right under the noses of the police which have the place surrounded.

    The security force that let’s a three-man team walk into their compound and steal a Death Ray and fly off in a toy helicopter In “Danger: Death Ray”, though perhaps they didn’t think they would need so much security since it was a “for peaceful purposes only” Death Ray.

    Is there any actual competent police work in any of these movies? I guess the cops that use Dr. Krasker’s “Talk to the Dead” radio and from “The Dead Talk Back” do manage to capture the killer after he’s only done one murder, so that’s pretty good.

       6 likes

  27. Troy says:

    Alan Hale, by default, is the most useless at whatever role he plays.

    The cops from Earth vs. The Spider weren’t much better, refusing to investigate a reported missing person even after his vehicle is found, letting a high school science teacher spearhead their investigation, plus great job securing that cave while you fill it full of dynamite, boys.

       5 likes

  28. Troy says:

    Also, while not technically law enforcement, the two pervy scanner operators from Attack of The The Eye Creatures would certainly win if the voting was extended to incorporate military personnel. Dishonorable discharge indeed.

       3 likes

  29. Ray Dunakin says:

    I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, for sheer incompetence it’s hard to beat Sheriff Geronimo (Joe Don Baker) in Final Justice. He repeatedly lets the bad guy escape. He gets knocked cold by being nudged with a suitcase. He promises to protect a woman who helps him, and she immediately gets her throat cut in his presence. His only investigative technique is to keep returning to that same stupid bar and threatening the bar owner. He challenges bad guys to a shootout when there are clearly civilians in the line of fire. And he only “wins” in the end because the writer decided it was time to let him win.

       9 likes

  30. Jay says:

    Sitting Duck:
    Do private investigators count? If so, I’d go with Inspector Pratfall from Catalina Caper. From constantly falling into bodies of water to accidentally disrobing bikini babes, the man is a walking disaster area.

    He disrobed bikini babes and made it look like an accident?! Sounds pretty useful to me!!
    Oh, Man. Now Joel’s going to rip my arm off. Mommmmaa!*

    *Pseudo Mom made out of chicken wire. (Not available in stores)

       4 likes

  31. Fart Bargo says:

    This ever happen to you? Everytime I was ready to submit a nomination I would check the site and someone would just submit the same one. Oh well.

    Ezekiel the Amish clown!

    Organizes bum slap fights and gets knocked out.
    Ignores a couple of pervs “doing it clown style” in front of children.
    No buttons.

       3 likes

  32. Gobi says:

    The police in Diabolik were pretty ineffective. Somehow, they managed to cover the villain in molten gold without killing him.

    Then there’s the police in Monster A Go-Go, wasting their time chasing a monster that doesn’t exist.

       9 likes

  33. Satoris says:

    How bout the cops in The Dead Talk Back? They arrest a guy for buying new shoes, then have to rely on a psychic to help them crack the case.

       6 likes

  34. Blowie the Dolphin says:

    How about the leering sheriff in “It Lives By Night?” Pretty useless.

       5 likes

  35. underwoc says:

    skier_pete:

    Is there any actual competent police work in any of these movies? I guess the cops that use Dr. Krasker’s “Talk to the Dead” radio and from “The Dead Talk Back” do manage to capture the killer after he’s only done one murder, so that’s pretty good.

    Sheriff Rose did all right, though she really wasn’t what I’d consider regular law enforcement.

       4 likes

  36. Flying Saucers Over Oz says:

    I guess we can add to the list the smug moron of a sheriff in ATTACK OF THE GIANT LEECHES who seems to resent being asked to do more than the absolute minimal amount of investigation he can manage.

       5 likes

  37. Droppo says:

    Mitchell!

       6 likes

  38. trickymutha says:

    3 come to mind- Lady Sheriff Hood- not only did she nearly host her own necktie party, but, she allowed her entire town to get killed. Joe Don Baker- who, allows the stripper to get her throat slit and continues to bungle in pursuit of the guy who killed his partner. Finally, the cop in Touch of Satan who lets himself get killed by Grandma Applehead.

       4 likes

  39. Ro-man says:

    Adam West as Captain Churchman in ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE.

    I mean, he is a dirty cop and all, but mostly just because… well: Adam West.

       5 likes

  40. MSTie says:

    Rodak:
    Other than stroking their pet bird, standing around drinking cups of baked beans and doing battle with a Bela Lugosi stand in while their shirt is more than half ripped off.. The cops in Bride of the Monster were pretty damn useless.

    Well, what were they supposed to do, tamper in God’s domain?

       7 likes

  41. MPSh from Lowell says:

    Kline!

       4 likes

  42. courteous martians says:

    I always laugh at the inept sheriff in The Giant Gila Monster. He couldn’t even take a picture of skid marks on the road!

       6 likes

  43. MikeK says:

    robot rump!:
    the two cracker cops from ‘laserblas.’ aside from tokin’, crapping and bein’ ready for some footbaaaaallll. they just didn’t care.

    Between those two and Eddie Deezen, I have never wanted to kill characters in a MSTed movie than I have with those guys from Laserblast. So awful and useless.

       3 likes

  44. David Mello says:

    How about the cop that winds up getting killed by Grandma Rawhidechew in “The Touch of Satan”, who also has his car shoved off a cliff so no one would know. Also, anyone notice his radio didn’t work?

       3 likes

  45. Rodak says:

    courteous martians:
    I always laugh at the inept sheriff in The Giant Gila Monster. He couldn’t even take a picture of skid marks on the road!

    Enough With The Skid Marks Already!

       2 likes

  46. littleaimishboy says:

    The thing with

    Blowie the Dolphin:
    How about the leering sheriff in “It Lives By Night?”Pretty useless.

    MST had to cut his backstory due to time restraints. Actually, he’s in this small town on temporary reassignment from Aspen PD’s Lingerie Detail. He’s a maverick who plays by his own rules. But he gets the job done. Well, ……

       3 likes

  47. Dave3k says:

    Mindy:
    Any law enforcement in a Coleman Francis movie. Shoot first and never ask questions.

    Or they asked Christian Slater. What good was that going to do?? :-)

       5 likes

  48. Dan says:

    So many possibilities. And so many good ones that have already been mentioned.

    But, if I may, how ’bout the cops in THE GIRL IN LOVER’S LANE. They only show up at the end of the film & the only job they have is to keep their ONE prisoner safe from a lynch mob & they wiz it right down their leg.

    But, in the end, I’m with the folks that mentioned the cops who never show up in so many riffed films. How many of the major plot points in so many films could be resolved with the timely arrival of even one law enforcement officer?

    Oh, I almost forgot!
    The guy that throws a sawed off, double-barrel shotgun to Mitchell out of the helicopter.
    Not only is that insanely dangerous, but it’s the (at the time) 20th century. You’re in a fricking helicopter & the best weapon you have to hand is what was used to guard stagecoaches in the 18 hundreds?
    If I’m wrong, feel free to correct me, but what law enforcement agency in the latter half of the twentieth century was still issuing coach guns?

    Sorry I went on so long, I’m just bitter.

    Dan

       5 likes

  49. Jay says:

    Crow’s “Grateful Dead” Solo –

    CBS Sunday Morning just showed a piece on The Grateful Dead where they talked about the cops raiding their San Francisco apartment in 1967. According to the Band members the cops planted two small bags instead of bothering to look behind the desk where the real, MUCH BIGGER stash was. Ha!

       2 likes

  50. Johnny's nonchalance says:

    http://www.mst3kinfo.com/?p=6056

    This must have slipped Sampo’s and the alert regular’s minds:

    Weekend Discussion Thread: Best and Worst Cops in MSTed Movies
    By Sampo, on June 12th, 2010

    Alert reader Patricia suggests we discuss…

    Who do people consider the best, or worst, representative of law enforcement in MSTed movies?

    You can pick any criteria you want. I’ll just talk sheer competency: Most incompetent cop has got to go with Alan “Nassau” Hale Jr. as the completely clueless sheriff in “Giant Spider Invasion.” For most competent, I’d pick the Hat Squad from “Radar Secret Service,” but then they did have RADAR helping them!

    What would you pick?
    June 12th, 2010 | Category: MSTies | 105 comments – (Comments are closed)

       0 likes

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