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Weekend Discussion Thread: REALLY Bad Movies

Alert reader Perry writes:

OK, we all love our “bad” movies, from “The Crawling Eye” to “Horrors of Spider Island”, with an occasional “Mighty Jack” or “Diabolic”, or even “Catalina Caper.” But what do readers think is so bad that it just can’t be tolerated? We’re talking modern movies made with a workable budget that are considered acceptable to modern tastes, but cause you, the Satellite News reader, to leave the room?

And don’t just say “chick flicks.” Be specific. Which one?

Me, I’ll sit through “Manos”, but not “Evita.” “Dirty Dancing?” Blech, I’m going to the garage to watch “The Final Sacrifice.”

I’m with you on “Dirty Dancing.”

Have at it!

82 Replies to “Weekend Discussion Thread: REALLY Bad Movies”

  1. mst3kme says:

    I’m sorry to go off topic, but:

    Kevin Murphy tweeted today that his beautiful cocker spaniel Boomer died at the age of eleven. :_-(

    If you want, please tweet your condolences to Kevin @kwmurphy.

       12 likes

  2. The live-action Inspector Gadget movie.

    Michael Bay’s Transformers movies. A series of diminishing returns and not even the best movie riffing could get me to watch any of them again.

       2 likes

  3. Ray Dunakin says:

    I have to agree about the Transformers movies. The first was trash, and they just kept getting worse and worse.

       2 likes

  4. Son of Gorgo says:

    I saw Moon Over Parador at the dollar theater on a Sunday matinee. I still wanted my money back.

       1 likes

  5. The Golden Compass and the Brendan Fraser=Elizabeth Hurley remake of Bedazzled. Couldn’t make it past half an hour in either of those.

    Bewitched, with Will Ferrell and Nicole Kidman. The only good part is about five seconds, that doesn’t involve either of the leads.

       3 likes

  6. “workable budget that are considered acceptable to modern tastes”

    Ooooooooooooooooooooh. Well, disregard The Witch who came from the Sea and To catch a Yeti from my previous comment. Those were no-budget-in-hell movies. Silent Running had a big budget but it’s not ‘modern’ so disregard it too.

    Here’s more :
    I find Rogue One PAINFUL
    JJ Abram’s Star Trek the Star Trek is an obviously competent film, but I just cannot stand it, especially the choice of music. The same goes for The Farce Awakens; it’s competent and well made but I find it soulless(Disney approved).
    Mission Impossible II – took me 5 days to finish, a few minutes at a time. And I watched it with Quiptracks.
    Batman v Superman – no words
    The Justice League – ditto

       2 likes

  7. edwardminges says:

    Yeti of Great Danger:
    Fortunately it appears that no one, or almost no one, is slamming anyone else’s choice, because a movie I will literally leave the room for is “A Christmas Story.”I hate it with a hatred that defies understanding, and was forced to watch it once.Never again.

    As for a genre, any Lifetime movie, aka Stupid Women Doing Stupid Things They Think Seem Romantic.Just the descriptions of those movies make me almost embarrassed to have two X chromosomes.

    But you HAVE to like “A Christmas Story.” For one thing, Santa is played by Jeff Gillen, who was Fats (the one who was hit in the head by a surfboard) in “The Wild Rebels.”

    However, if you persist in not liking “A Christmas Story,” beware of the sequel. “It Runs In the Family,” made ten years later, will make you violent and homicidal, if you’re not there already. And it shows up frequently as filler on broadcast-TV movie channels. You have been warned.

       2 likes

  8. IR5 says:

    The Hangover and any of it’s demon offspring. I’d watch Monster a go go one hundred times before I’d watch those piles of steaming goo again.

       7 likes

  9. goalieboy82 says:

    edwardminges: But you HAVE to like “A Christmas Story.” For one thing, Santa is played by Jeff Gillen, who was Fats (the one who was hit in the head by a surfboard) in “The Wild Rebels.”

    However, if you persist in not liking “A Christmas Story,” beware of the sequel. “It Runs In the Family,” made ten years later, will make you violent and homicidal, if you’re not there already. And it shows up frequently as filler on broadcast-TV movie channels. You have been warned.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ollie_Hopnoodle%27s_Haven_of_Bliss

       0 likes

  10. Muskrat Suzie says:

    I’ve never been able to watch Casablanca all the way through. I love classic movies (more than modern ones) and I’m a big Ingrid Bergman fan but I just lose interest after about 20 minutes and I space out and then move on to something else.

       1 likes

  11. goalieboy82 says:

    Gone with the Wind and Citizen Kane. i have seen them both once and then a few years ago try to watch them again, made it 30 minutes into both.

       1 likes

  12. Lisa H. says:

    skrag2112: I’m a fan of Peanuts and Charles Schulz, but ‘Flashbeagle’ was just WTF.

    I liked it, unironically, although it’s probably one of those things now better left to the rosy glow of nostalgia. (I was 6 when it came out, but I think I didn’t actually see it until I was more like 8-10. I remember rewatching the tape I had of it into my early teens, though.) The fact that I had never seen Flashdance may have made it come off better to me than it was.

       2 likes

  13. mando3b says:

    Well, now that we’re at the top of the cinematic food chain . . . To me, “Goodfellas” & “The Gangs of New York” are little more than glossy torture porn. Martin Sc. seems to get off on pools of blood slowly welling out of a fatal head wound the same way Vic Savage got turned on by a dead woman’s bare legs dangling from the Creeping Terror’s mouth. Thank God Marty seems to finally be over his obsession with psychotic ethnics hurting each other in horrible ways. (“The Departed” is great, though; he shoulda made that one first and gotten it over with . . . )

       3 likes

  14. Warren says:

    I’ve never been able to get through more than a few minutes of High Spirits (1988), even though it had some well-known actors and a real budget.

       0 likes

  15. Torgover says:

    Any zombie flick, World War Z, Day of the Dead, The Walking Dead, etc. are almost unwatchable. All use the same cliches and story beats and most have the same “Humans are the real monsters” moral.

       2 likes

  16. docskippy says:

    Pretty much any Marvel movie. Shudder.

       1 likes

  17. Cameron Bane says:

    Xanadu. Gene Kelly’s final film, and what a sad, sorry way to go out.
    Midway. Charlton Heston comes to a ridiculous and explosive end while Robert Mitchum stays in bed the whole film; good idea.
    The Swarm. Irwin Allen’s last stab at a dying genre, with an A-list cast who look mortified simply to be in it, and plot holes you could shove Pavarotti through … and still have room for Louie Anderson.

    I’m sure I’ll think of more.

       3 likes

  18. Joe Boltonn says:

    A movie you paid to see in a Theater that turned out to be awful is much worse than watching it at home. Independence Day, Godzilla (1998), Prospero’s Books, On Deadly Ground (Steven Seagal, duh…Under Siege was good, we got fooled), Batman Returns, The Mangler were memorable wastes of time And money. “Real” movies that had supposedly talented people with ample budgets who failed utterly when they shouldn’t have..; I’ve Rented so many insufferably bad movies, I can’t recall half of them. But most were just time fillers, where there was little or no expectation of genuine entertainment. The now forgotten stars and starlets that filled and killed “Two-For-Tuesdays” rentals…Renee Humphrey, Bolo Yeung, Laura Gemser, Cat Sassoon, Bruce Li, Bruce Le, Linnea Quigley, Jill Schoelen, Tim Thomerson, et als. The cinematic resumes of Greydon Clark, Fred Olen Ray, Charles Band rarely promised more than they delivered, so their mediocraties are forgiven.

       0 likes

  19. GareChicago says:

    I’m with everyone on the “Hallmark Channel” or “Lifetime Movie Network” crap.

    Some of the titles alone.. ugh. There’s a Christmas one called “Holiday Switch” that I was forced to watch once. It’s basically “It’s a Wonderful Life”, but the woman who gets to see how life would be different arrives at her alternate reality by (this is true) falling into the clothes dryer, and coming out in her new reality.

    Kill me now.

    Oh, and of course anything YA. Without reservation, they’re all total poo.

    Gare

       2 likes

  20. mando3b says:

    yelling_into_the_void:

    And they start with the Christmas movies (Which are the same but have lines like “Christmas will be ruined!” “It’s a Christmas miracle!” “We/I saved Christmas!” and “That’s how I learned the true meaning of Christmas!”) on the last weekend in October and keep going until mid January.

    Ha! Reminds me of one of my favorite Joelisms, from “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians”: he’s reading the ‘bots the titles from a collection of Hallmarkesque Christmas movies, and the last one is “The Christmas That Wasn’t Too Bad”!

       3 likes

  21. …70 posts, and not ONE mention of the Hobbit Trilogy? Seriously??
    Or were we all so traumatized by “The Desolation of Smaug” that we wisely stayed a safe radioactive distance from seeing “Battle of Five Armies” in an actual theater?

    Cameron Bane:
    Xanadu. Gene Kelly’s final film, and what a sad, sorry way to go out.

    Although you’ll find diehard, quote, “Museheads” pop up in the strangest places. :) (Yep, couldn’t stand Avatar and Dark Knight, and own Xanadu on Blu-ray.)
    And if it makes you feel any better, Kelly’s last film was technically “That’s Entertainment III”, fourteen years later, which he had to sit down for most of….That, ten years after he’d already watched hip-hop dancers on the street in “That’s Dancing!” Forgot to look at the “Self” listings on IMDb, did we?

    goalieboy82:
    Gone with the Wind and Citizen Kane.i have seen them both once and then a few years ago try to watch them again, made it 30 minutes into both.

    Two of the three movies Millennials are terrified you’ll make them watch when you tell them to “watch more classic movies”. (The third is when you tell them to watch foreign films, and out come the “Death playing chess and talking like the Swedish Chef” jokes.)
    I know the feeling, since it took me several tries to stay awake to the end of “Dr. Strangelove” and “2001”, but Citizen Kane is a lot of fun if you know ahead of time what a snarky hellraising b-tard Orson Welles could be off-camera…Gone With the Wind, I wouldn’t begrudge, but some people can spend four hours chronicling the dysfunctional relationships of a spoiled brat, and some can’t.

       5 likes

  22. GR Robertson says:

    Titanic. It takes longer to watch than it took the real ship to sink.

       4 likes

  23. Trumpys Dad says:

    I thought the commercials for the Austin Powers movies were hysterical – couldn’t make it through the actual movie. I think Mike Meyers didn’t want anyone else to have a funny line so tried to play all of the “good” characters. Can’t think of anything of his that I would consider truly entertaining.

       0 likes

  24. JustinL says:

    Someone already said the Fast & Furious films, but I’ll second. Can’t STAND them. I only watched 5 & 6 because I listen to the podcast How Did This Get Made? and don’t like to listen to an episode without seeing the movie they discuss. Since I refuse to watch 7 & 8, those are the only two episodes of the show I’ve never listened to.

    Also, not a movie, but I HATE Stranger Things. I just think the writing is lazy, often contradicts itself, relies entirely too much on coincidence and plot contrivance, and I only like two of the kid actors (though I think mostly all of them improved in the second season). After my frustration with the first season, I watched the second out of curiosity and a sense of being pop culture literate (as EVERYONE seems to worship the show), but I think I’ll skip the third. I’m not into hate-watching, and that’s really all it was for me. Seriously, how bad is your show when it can’t make Brett Gelman funny?

       0 likes

  25. Terry the Sensitive Knight says:

    goalieboy82: any film like that (and i am a Christian)

    Some of my friends dragged me to see The Shack last year and while it’s not nearly as crap as the God’s Not Dead series(of which there is now a third, UGH), it was still really corny and melodramatic.

    Other than instances like that, I never go to the theater unless it’s something I want to see and know I’ll enjoy.

       1 likes

  26. Ro-man, aka one of several possible Steves says:

    The Original EricJ: not ONE mention of the Hobbit Trilogy? Seriously??

    Indeed. I think I may have blocked that experience out.

    To be fair, though, it was good for laughs. Me and the boys still break into paroxysms of laughter (because it is the only real alternative to abject despair) when we relive what Jackson did to the barrel rider episode.

       0 likes

  27. jay says:

    The Wizard Of Oz –

    No, not the classic 1939 film. I love that movie. It scared the bejeezus out of me as a kid when I watched those hideous flying monkeys on a 17 inch black and white Zenith. In fact, I was in high school when I first found out about the superb segue where Dorothy steps out of her black and white Kansas house into the blazing colors of Munchkin Land.
    How do you top that film? The answer is… you don’t. WOZ has been perverted in newer versions like a Texas politician twisting the truth. Stop it. DO WHAT I DO. Go see Dorothy and company in a real theater if you get the chance. You won’t be in Kansas anymore.

       3 likes

  28. JustinL:

    Also, not a movie, but I HATE Stranger Things. I just think the writing is lazy, often contradicts itself, relies entirely too much on coincidence and plot contrivance, and I only like two of the kid actors (though I think mostly all of them improved in the second season).

    Thanks for bringing that up. I thought there was something wrong with me that I didn’t swoon over Stranger Things.

       1 likes

  29. IR5 says:

    “Xanadu. Gene Kelly’s final film, and what a sad, sorry way to go out.”

    I’ll say one thing about Xanadu- it is fun to watch and riff.

       1 likes

  30. Yeti of Great Danger says:

    edwardminges: But you HAVE to like “A Christmas Story.” For one thing, Santa is played by Jeff Gillen, who was Fats (the one who was hit in the head by a surfboard) in “The Wild Rebels.”

    However, if you persist in not liking “A Christmas Story,” beware of the sequel. “It Runs In the Family,” made ten years later, will make you violent and homicidal, if you’re not there already. And it shows up frequently as filler on broadcast-TV movie channels. You have been warned.

    Part of what I loathe about “A Christmas Story” is its fans’ insistence that I HAVE to love it. I don’t mean that as an insult to you, because I sincerely appreciate the warning about the …. shudder…. sequel.

       2 likes

  31. Buster says:

    you guys are a bunch of haters, I like about 68.71 percent of the movies mentioned here.

    my vote would go to “Love Actually” pandering, mushy and ham-handed direction.

       2 likes

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