Alert reader Matthew writes:
What is the lamest scientific explanation and/or plot device given in a MST movie?
For me it’s tough to choose, but I think my top three are:
1) Beginning of the End: Peter Graves’ “radiation makes photosynthesis, the growing process, occur day and night.” So be sure to fertilize your plants with lots of uranium!
2) Space Mutiny: David Ryder’s “high-density de-atomizer escape system.” If only it really had pulled apart all his atoms.
3) The Undead: Quentis merging with Diana’s brainwaves to travel back in time, sans clothes. Of course his wristwatch survives the psychic teleport perfectly intact.”
Good one!
I’d have to go with the cheesy “invisible” face shields in “12 to the Moon.” It’s amazing how invisible they are!
What’s your pick?
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I can’t believe I forgot about the C-14 issues from TftY5K.
Mike d #72: Of course, there was that whole hanglider in Cave Dwellers that might or might not be a little out of place, from a scientific standpoint, but I’m not exactly sure.
I would argue that it’s just an an anachronism. Unless you subscribe to the reality concepts that form the underpinnings of the Torg setting, the principles behind how hanggliders work exist whether or not people know about them.
Mighty Jack; Freezing things by speeding-up their molecules!
I’ve always thought it was preposterous that the Japanese lady astronaut in 12 to the Moon could instantly translate an unknown alien language just because the aliens used pictographs just like in Japanese.
“Phantom Planet’s” concept of controlling size. “So people are balloons?”
There are a lot of examples. My big ones are Jan in the pan from The Brain That Wouldn’t Die and The Creeping Terror. With Jan, where do you begin? Keeping a person’s decapitated head alive, conscious and interactive in a pan of special neck juice?
As for the Creeping Terror, you have to wonder how the aliens managed to get their people eating critters to another planet using nothing but garage sale Radio Shack equipment? And then there are the monsters themselves. What would they have done if the people in this town has not been so eager to crawl into their mouths?
Sitting Duck #101
I thought of it that way too. I just like the notion that aerodynamics is actually a 500 year old science. but hey I don’t want to get on the wrong side of Miles O’Keefe :evil: .
That whole geometric nucleus thingy is probably the more un-sciency stuff anyway.
I always cringe when the “scientists” in flicks like “King Dinosaur” land on a distant planet and see BEAR CUBS gamboling about, and just smile and say, “aren’t they cute?”
C’mon, scientists, BEAR CUBS???? Doesn’t this at least completely dislocate your notions about evolution, life on earth, etc. etc. etc.?
Sheesh!
Runner up for the repulsive scientists in “Fire Maidens” who are talked down to the planet by a human voice, speaking English, then they see a bronze statue of a nude human woman, but when they hear a woman screaming, and one of them says, “that sounds like a WOMAN screaming!”, the head scientist warns his colleagues “not to jump to conclusions.”
Yoiks.
Dunno know if it’s science- but Coily?
I hate that I came into this one so late. You’ve already taken my favorites of the carbon 14 and ballooning effect of The Phantom Planet.
But one thing that bothers me every time about Women of the Prehistoric Planet, other than “Hykeeba!”, is the relative time issue. Okay, maybe this one is closer to actual science than most movies, but if 50 years really did pass on on the place you left while you only aged a week or so, why the hell would anyone ever go a space mission? The government that sent you off in the first place wouldn’t even exist anymore, not to mention your entire family! The people in this movie take all this stride, but I have to think they’re not gonna be all that happy when they get back. And why did the captain look for survivors if he knew they would have died of old age even if they did manage to survive the crash? Huh? Am I alone here?
#109 Sickboy… Fifteen years, actually. Not fifty.
…Which would make Tang what, 14? Oh my.
Others I pondered, may or may not be science:
Samson VS The Vampire Women. Hovering bats. How? HOW?? Also all the science junk the professor has, what is it all? Did anyone in Mexico wonder why they had a paper-mache castle on a hill and did anyone wonder what was in there?
Outlaw: What powers does the ring have to transport to another planet, and why both Cabot and Whatney, but not the car? Also what sent Whatney back to earth anyway? And how does it know where to send you back. Also why use Italian actors to be gay American cops?
Daddy-O and Girls Town: Why does Dick Contino have bigger boobs than the girls. Also what is the signifigance of a sideways belt buckle, is it the secret to really high pants?
You’ll see this a lot in the 1950’s space flicks: rocket ships lifting off AND landing with the same vertical orientation. (Manhunt In Space, Project Moonbase, Rocketship X-M, King Dinosaur, etc.)
No stages, no capsules, no parachutes. Just turn it around, put it in reverse, and ease it down to the surface. This could be considered “poetic license” on the part of the film-makers but it is more a result of not yet knowing how manned space travel would really work. It’s easy to launch a rocket; it’s a little harder to get it to land, upright and in one piece.
Every once in awhile you’ll see a sideways landing (and take-off) which makes even less sense for a rocket ship.
It’s not until the 1960’s that you start to see astronauts returning to Earth in capsules as in Monster A-Go-Go and Night Of The Blood Beast (and we all know how scientifically accurate THOSE films are).
Wonderful topic. Don’t forget two things, the opening song says:
“If you wonder how he eats and breaths and other science facts….just repeat to yourself “It’s just a show, I should really just relax.”
The second thing I’ll repeat to Lincoln just before he gives the Gettysburg address. Be there, won’t you?
107 – ROBOT MONSTER – Ro-Man’s “calcinator death ray” and his billion bubble machine.
Probably the keys of time can fit on 8 5 1/4 floppies.
Robot Monster taught us that an antibiotic can make you immune to a death ray.
The Atomic Brain taught us that(among other things) a human brain can be stuffed intact inside a cat skull. I suppose the human body with the cat brain must have had foam p-nuts or something packed in the cranium to keep it from bouncing around.
Attack of the Eye Creatures taught us that aliens smart enough to build space ships could be dumb enough to not bring protective gear to keep them from dissolving when exposed to a source of light. They all would have died when the sun came up. The sun was up! They just didn’t care!
The Horror of Party Beach taught us that any barrel dropped in the ocean will immediatly start leaking toxic goo that instantly spawns hellish carnivorous mutants who waste no time in commencing to eat the local populace.
Revenge of the Creature demonstrated that the best way to establish communication with an unknown life form is to first drop explosives on it, and then arbitrarily torture it. Now that I think of it, this does sound a bit like how men and women relate to each other.
Not science, strictly speaking, but the roaring snakes of Cave Dwellers are problematic.
Then we have the complicated physics of having a hero head-butted so hard that his shirt flies off in Future Wars. Then again, Robert Zdar does have a pretty big coconut.
Again, not so much a science question as a hopelessly confused loss of continuity in the movie, but how did the second monster in The Creeping Terror kill/devour the sheriff and then manage to restrain itself again so that Deputy Honeymooner and Doctor Handsome could freely enter and exit the space craft?
I seem to recall that none of the Krankor soldiers’ shots ever actually *hit* Prince of Space. He just jumped out of the way or deflected them with his little wand, so I suspect that his “Your weapons are useless!” lines were merely taunts and probably mistranslated.
The whole “the heart is a single cell” thing from The Amazing Colossal Man.
Mm-hm.
Suuuuuuuuuuure.
About some bad archeology in their films? Like how in The Final Sacrifice there was this grand Atlantean culture/cult that once ruled Canada, of which all is left is a deep voiced guy and a bunch of doughy hosers in ski masks. Or in Pumaman, with the aliens contacting Aztecs (despite Vahdino hanging out on the Andean altiplano) and giving them a gold mind-controlling mask with a Pentium hard drive. (Others already brought up the C-14 fail of Terror from the Year 5000.)
#120 Brainchild – Thank you for bringing up these geographical inaccuracies. The PumaMan thing always drove me nuts. They repeatedly cite Aztec legends, but Vadinho claims he and the original PumaMan (Tony’s Dad) are from the Andes mountains. Didn’t anyone consult a map?! The Aztec Empire barely brushed into South America. I think maybe the writers were confusing Aztecs and Incas, a pretty big error. The writers definitely failed both culturally and scientifically. Although I suppose in a film where pumas can fly this was the least of problems.
It was pointed out last week that the actor who played Vadinho was in Deathstalker, and thus probably Mexican. Didn’t he think to maybe let the British/Italian/American people involved in the film “hey guys, sorry to burst your bubble, but the Andes mountains are in South, not Central, America.”
Since the weekend is winding up, I’m amazed that no one (including myself) recalled the feline showgirls stealing the “atomic nucleus” in Operation Double 007, up until now. Along the same lines as the “geometric nucleus” of Cave Dwellers, it’s clear that screenwriters lacked a proper understanding of what an atom or a nucleus were.
@109 – Oh, I don’t know – I think there’s a lot of people that would jump at the chance to effectively be transported into the future!
I have to chime in with The Projected Man. I’m not the most knowledgable in the realm of science, but I spent so much of my time watching that epsisode going “I call no way!”
Shouldn’t the few animal test subjects they used also have turned into disfigured bastards with the touch of death?
#96 Sipher: While I agree with that assessment of the majority of J-pop fiction, as a Godzilla fan I have to defend his movies (the MST’d ones not withstanding). In most of the better Godzilla movies Godzilla IS the villain, and then there are other movies where he requires the assistance of other monsters to defeat a powerful villainous kaiju like my personal fav: Ghidrah the Three-Headed Monster.
Besides, if I recall correctly the MST films and a couple others were made by a director who didn’t want to make Godzilla films. He had to cuz he worked for Toho studios, and they made him.
Kouban at 118;
‘ seem to recall that none of the Krankor soldiers’ shots ever actually *hit* Prince of Space. He just jumped out of the way or deflected them with his little wand…’
Speaking of ‘little wands’, why didn’t this advanced race of aliens who were going to conquer an entire planet not invent underwear!? I realize that this is an example of a lack of lame science but the question remains.
To clarify the bad science of Time Chasers, which others have mentioned:
1 – Our Hero has a PC Clone at home
2 – His Time Transport uses a Commodore 64
3- ConHugeCo Evil’s transport uses an Amiga
4 – NONE of these three system are interoperable without add-on hardware; none shown
5 – The Commodore 64 had single-sided floppies, storing a grand-total of 170kb per side.
6 – The Amiga used 880kb/1.76kb 3.5 Floppies
7 – The PC Clone would use double-sided 5.25 360kb/1.2kb Floppies
8 – An Amiga can read PC 720/1.44 3.5 Floppies, but since none were shown….
9 – The most he probably did was run a format on the Commodore 64 diskettes.
Oh, boy! We get to show logic here.
A problem in “Women of the Prehistoric Planet” is that the descendant of the crash victims shows his immediate family encased in ice. It has nothing to do with the fact that they are still moving inside the ice (poor acting, I suppose), but more of the fact that in a planet that appears to have a mostly tropical climate, such ice could be in large amounts, as well as being within a cave that is barely below the surface of the planet in what amounts to be the hottest part of it. The only possibility I can think of is if its “dry ice”, which is a solid form of carbon dioxide, but that could scald skin, and they wouldn’t look like that.
Another factor that bothers me about “Beginning of the End” is that not only does “radiation cause photosynthesis” (i.e. the big tomatoes), but at the same time, the grasshoppers mutate and grow in size. More likely, a dosage of uranium would be lethal to a man, let alone a grasshopper.
And with “Invasion of the Neptune Men”, how is it possible that the scientists can set up a missle that quickly and allow a direct hit on the mothership if the missle appears to be capable only to be “dumb-fired”, which means its launched but it doesn’t have a set path.
In Future War, the explanation for Jean-Claude Gosh Darn being able to speak English: “He explained that he had heard our language before, and that his vocal chords needed time to adapt.” Umm, no. Hearing some Bible verses in your youth and spending a day or two around English speakers as an adult is not even close to enough to be able to speak competent English (however accented). And your vocal chords cannot just “adapt” to allow you to speak another language with no effort on your part.
Also, in Parts: the Clonus Horror, we’re supposed to buy that people were capable of producing perfect human clones starting in the 1930s. And considering that successful organ transplants didn’t start happening until the 50s and 60s, what good were the clones in that intervening time? Oh wait, we’re not supposed to think about that part.
“Prince of Space. Why the hell did weapons not effect him? As far as I understand it, he was just as human as you or me…did the weapons of the Krankor chicken army not effect humans at all?”
Ummmm….hello!! The Prince Of Space had a stick, remember. Now, without that stick, yeah, he was probably just another human, but with it….he was…….The Prince Of Space.
Ok, I haven’t read all of these yet. My picks: Pretty much anything from any of the serials.
1. Exploding spiders from Phantom Creeps
2. Butt-not-on-fire-while-using-jet-pack, lame guns and cannons, from Commando Cody
3. Everything in Rocky Jones movies.
After about the 10th time I saw Prince of Space, I decided that he was just bragging that the Krankorians would never hit him, therefore their weapons were technically “useless” against him.
So maybe he had some sort of limited laser misdirection field? That seems to be the only explaination for the scene where he escapes from the mousetrap and then the crossfire from those 3-barreled shotgun/flyrod cases that came out of the wall just passes over him as he stands there. So maybe the field throws off automated weapons fire but requires him to dodge or absorb fire with his extendable aim-and-flame when a person actually shoots at him?
Okay, I’ve crossed from debunking bad science into determing the arbitrary rules of the s#!t the movie was making up as it went along, so I’d better just save it for the episode guide.
But I still say Krankor stole that first 3-barreled hand-cannon from the Thundertank, meaning Panthro could explain all of POS’s lame science…
That’s “PANTHRO”, not to be confused with any PUMAMEN.
The hits just keep on comin’.
1. #108 Tickymutha – Coily rightfully comes under the heading of faith-based science.
2. how come the giant vegetable creature from “It Conquered the World” could travel from Venus, but could only make 8 of the “control devices”/lame bat things?
3. how come the Phantom chickens of Krankor could travel to Earth, etc,. but couldn’t invent the jockstrap? Couldn’t? or Wouldn’t?, YOU decide.
Yeah! And how did those stupid boring fly those jet fighters in The Starfighters anyway?!?
My favorite has to be “THE UNEARTHLY.”
Transplanting a new gland into someone’s neck is the secret to eternal youth!? I hope Joan Rivers doesn’t get wind of this.
I have to go with “Amazing Colossal Man” with that “The heart is a single cell” statement.
And just how does one connect an umbilicus from a static spot on earth to an orbiting satellite? ;)
The lego genetics technique and secret Zaat formula of one Dr Kurt Leopold in THe Blood Waters of Dr.Z
My favorite picks for bad science have already been mentioned, but here are my top five…
1) Anything Bert I. Gordon came up with. All his movies contain really bad science. At least by the time he reaches “Villiage of the Giants” he stopped trying to explain things growing HUGE and just said it was goo made by Ron Howard… wow that sentence sounds bad. :shock:
2) The Brain that Wouldn’t Die. No lungs. No vocal cords. Just a head in a pan, and she can speak. I’ll even allow that the neck juice can keep the brain alive and give it mental powers, but there is no way poor Jan could speak.
3) Manhunt in Space. You make something so cold it becomes invisable, and yet it isn’t so cold that anyone touching it would stick to it like a tongue on a frozen flag pole. How cold are we talking here? Because some of my otter pops are missing. I thought the cat was eating them, but maybe they are just invisable.
4) This Island Earth. The grips are magnitized, so it makes human hands attract right to them. Maybe the iron in the blood… Why even have this type of thing in the tubes? Is it to keep people from slamming thier hands against the tube wall? I can tell you that it doesn’t stop Brak from making a blowfish. Exedor hates when he does that.
5) The Incredable Melting Man. Nearly all the “science” in this movie is horrible. But the worst is the fact that the more melty he gets, the faster he is and the stronger he becomes. He’s melting! Ok, so maybe his feet slide across a smooth floor and that gives the illusion of speed, but Melty races up those stairs like no body’s business. Then if your muscles are liquifying, how does that make you stronger. If anything Melty would just fall over because his liquidy muscles would give out. Heck, he shouldn’t even be able to lift or grip anything, because his flesh is oozing off. It’s just brain numbingly stupid.
Of course it can be proven that shouting “I’m Dr. Ted Nelson.” will get you shot – every time. I think it’s one of Newton’s laws. :wink:
@136: If the satellite is in a geosynchronous orbit, then it’s in a fixed position relative to the underground bunker on the planetary end.
The concept of the space ladder has been around for a long time. The idea that a self-financed mad scientist could build one on his own is as goofy as the idea that said self-financed mad scientist could launch a permanently-habitable satellite into a geosynchronous orbit, or that same would use said satellite and elevator to imprison a human for psychological experimentation vis-a-vis really bad movies.
Let’s see…
PinBolem is just silly.
The Wish Squisher is obviously flawed.
I don’t believe the Scanner Planner can…
hmm? What? Oh, we’re supposed to talk about the MOVIES…. :oops:
gotta love the lawn furniture they are strapped to in 12TTM, but for me, too, its the invisible face sheilds!!
#139
If the satellite is in a geosynchronous orbit, then it’s in a fixed position relative to the underground bunker on the planetary end.
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And don’t forget it would need a claking device. No doubt originally invented by by Dr. F. and TV’s Frank and rights sold to the Romulans.
In space, no one can hear you clak… :mrgreen:
Throwing a cloaking device around the SOL would have been child’s play compared to the technological prowess that would have been needed to hide the rockets themselves. The launches that boosted the SOL (and later, Mike’s rocket-on-a-stick) into orbit would have required a massive display of pyrotechnics. Not even WOPR could have concealed that kind of launch bloom.
I’ll throw in one that no one has mentioned- Fu Manchu’s gigantic icemaker. While it might be possible to develop a device to make make icebergs that instantly transport themselves from 1969 to 1912, that ability is both useless and lame. Even if you create icebergs in tropical Pacific sealanes, the odds are still pretty slim that some off-course pre-WWI Atlantic coeanliner will just smack into them. That being said, it did work out for Fu, so I guess it is better to be lucky than good sometimes.
Indestructible Man got a passing mention earlier, but did it occur to anyone that the very thing that brought the Butcher back to life (a huge zapp of electricity) is also the thing that destroyed him at the end of the movie? Kinda hard to figure that one. And in Gamera vs Guiron, the little boy and Richard Burton walk into an alien space ship, pick the exact right controls, and whooosh – off into space they go!
“The Indestructible Man” – his entire body is now a solid mass of cells? What a coincidence! Every ONE of us is made of a solid mass of cells!
Heck, cells is about all I’m made of!
Here’s another one, that’s probably appeared in lots of cheezy horror flicks, but I definitely associate it with “Horror of Party Beach.”
For some reason, a lot of creatures can survive on a diet of one thing and one thing only.
“Blood?”
“Human Blood.”
Yeah, but how many can be killed with SODIUM???
Dinty Moore’s got a lot of sodium, maybe he could throw ’em a can of that…
Dear Sampo (and the person who suggested this topic):
This was the single greatest “weekend discussion topic” ever to appear on Satellite News. I think most fans of bad SF movies probably think about this topic while watching them and it was definitely fun having a place to share those thoughts with others.