Satellite News - A Third Chat with Mike and Bill


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Dominion Chat with Mike Nelson and Bill Corbett
July 23, 1998

*** Moderator has joined channel #auditorium

*** Mode change [:+o Moderator] on channel #auditorium by Moderator

< Moderator > For those who haven't chatted with us before...
< Moderator > these chats are MODERATED.
< Moderator > which means you'll need to send your questions to me as private messages.
< Moderator > Only Mike, Bill and the moderator will have permission to speak here -- so don't ask for voice, you're not gonna get it.
< Moderator > If the room activity is too much, I suggest /joining another room for a few minutes and then coming back...
< Moderator > More instructions: anyone spamming the moderator will be subject to ejection without warning.

*** MikeNelson has joined channel #auditorium

*** BillCorbett has joined channel #auditorium

< Moderator > Ok, we're just about ready to start!
< Moderator > We're now going to go MODERATED.
< Moderator > Ok, we're now Moderated.

*** Mode change [:+v mikenelson] on channel #auditorium by Bouncer
*** Mode change [:+v billcorbett] on channel #auditorium by Bouncer

< Moderator > In order to ask questions of Mike and Bill, please send them to me as private messages.

< MikeNelson > Hoo-ha.

< Moderator > Welcome, Mike and Bill!

< MikeNelson > Hoo-h.

* MikeNelson clears his throat.

< Moderator > Do you have any opening remarks for the assembled masses?

< BillCorbett > sorry we're late -- we had some technical difficulties with the shoot today and our dogs ate our homeworks too.

< MikeNelson > I'd like to say that in my opinion, and remember, this is only my opinion, that it just might be that the coast is toast.

< Moderator > <Sampo> to <Moderator>: Hi guys! With the summer movie season well under way, and plenty of cheesy movies in the theaters, a lot of folks are hoping for another "Summer Blockbuster Review." Can you tell us anything definite about that?

< BillCorbett > We just got the greenlight for another one yesterday.

< Moderator > (also, please don't ask any questions that are already covered in the exhaustive information available at

< MikeNelson > We will be doing one, with all of the focus on that huge blockbuster hit "Smoke Signals".

< BillCorbett > We're takin' it down!
< BillCorbett > Lousy low budget indies.

< Moderator > <Krytn2x4b> to <Moderator>: Does Leonard Maltin have any idea how you've treated him (before Gorgo)

< MikeNelson > People with a dream, working to put it on screen: go to hell!

< BillCorbett > He didn't seem to.
< BillCorbett > And we didn't tell.

< MikeNelson > He thought we were from Capt. kangaroo, actually.

< BillCorbett > I mean, we didn't specifically address him as "you stupid bearded man!"

< MikeNelson > His glasses were really dirty.

< Moderator > <joebesser3> to <Moderator>: I'm sure the burning question on everyone's mind is... How was Leonard Maltin? And did you beat him up for his Laserblast/The Undead ratings?

< BillCorbett > Mike really kissed up to him -- it was nauseating!

< MikeNelson > His favorite movie is "Major Payne", can you believe that?!
< MikeNelson > He was actually a very nice fellow, and he had a good sense of humor. He really loves films, and was quite sincere about liking Gorgo. Go figure.
< MikeNelson > Plus he smelled of honeysuckle.

< BillCorbett > In fact, our original version of the script had him dissing GORGO along with Pearl.
< BillCorbett > He couldn't do it, in good conscience.
< BillCorbett > So he opted for a non-funny line instead.

< MikeNelson > Wow!

< Moderator > <PaulScifi> to <Moderator>: Can you give us any hints on how Season 9 will give way to Season 10?

< BillCorbett > Take that, Lenny! Poom!
< BillCorbett > Mike will be played by Donny Most.

< MikeNelson > It will be a sweet surrender as it "gives way".

< BillCorbett > I guess we should talk about season 10 pretty soon, Mike.
< BillCorbett > Ir's getting here.

< MikeNelson > Bill will be wearing a anklet that will let us know where he is at all times. And he'll be given a drug that makes him sick if he drinks alcohol.

< BillCorbett > I'm taking some now!

< Moderator > <DanHarkless> to <Moderator>: What can you guys tell us so far about the shadowy "Other Project" Sci-Fi has asked you to develop?

< MikeNelson > Oh, season 10, right. Expect movies. Big movies! huge oversized movies that drive the ball farther and straighter, with greater gear effect.

< BillCorbett > Not a lot to tell you yet about season 10, frankly.
< BillCorbett > It's a mini series of "Anne of Green Gables", starring Tony Danza.

< MikeNelson > They have asked us to develop our chests.....and our chemical weapons program. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. but i kid. Right now, it is top secret. Or second from the top secret.

< BillCorbett > The other project is a big LIE. It's a HOAX.

< MikeNelson > The truth is waxworms...I mean, out there.

< Moderator > <ServoT> to <Moderator>: Any further celebrity guests in the future?

< BillCorbett > But the men upstairs don't want you to know that -- noooooo, they'll kill you if you betray 'em HELP!

< MikeNelson > Tess Harper. Maybe Gallagher II, his brother.

< BillCorbett > We hope to have a local weatherman on every show.

< MikeNelson > We actually want to get Neil Young on the show, so if you're a good friend of his could you let him know? Thanks.

< BillCorbett > No guests signed yet.

< Moderator > <Locdog07> to <Moderator>: Will you guys be coming over to England to plug the show?

< BillCorbett > I'm holding out for Slapy White.
< BillCorbett > SlapPy.

< MikeNelson > Oh, no, I couldn't possibly...Okay. When do I leave?

< BillCorbett > When you dump that queen of yours. It's OVER, royalty!

< MikeNelson > We do in fact keep pressing for a way to get us over there, but so far, no one's extended the invitation. Have we done something to offend England.

< Moderator > <Bullseye> to <Moderator>: With the filming of season 9 finishing, what was the worst movie of this season?

< BillCorbett > Actually I'd love to take a steamer over to Liverpool and hang out on one of you's guys' estates or whatever.

< MikeNelson > I'd like a month in the country, if that's not too much to ask.

< BillCorbett > I had to take a shower every ten minutes while watching it.

< MikeNelson > I disagree with bill, I think it was )(*^%&%^ HOBGOBLINS!!!! He didn't use enough obscenity.
< MikeNelson > bill, could you shower now, please?

< Moderator > <WereTorgo> to <Moderator>: did you guys loath Hobgoblins more than Manos?

< BillCorbett > A few of them were a pain to get through.
< BillCorbett > The Hands of Fate, you mean?

< MikeNelson > Much, much, much, much more. Manos was "To Kill a Mockingbird" compared with hobgoblins.

< BillCorbett > I was but a child then.
< BillCorbett > Well, not working here yet.

< Moderator > <Naif> to <Moderator>: Are the overseas fans different from the US ones?

< MikeNelson > They're foreign. Beyond that, i don't know.

< BillCorbett > In general, they're more Europe-y.
< BillCorbett > We haven't had the pleasure of meeting them yet.

< MikeNelson > Actually, they seem to like bickeys a bit more. And they say,
< MikeNelson > And the lift when they really mean the elevator. And they keep wanting to knock people up.

< BillCorbett > I'm going!

< MikeNelson > Plus they eat way too much cheese. What's with that? And cockscombs, those should not be eaten, by any animal.

< Moderator > <FutureBoy> to <Moderator>: Will we be seeing any more of the lovely and talented Ms. Beez McKeever on the show?

< MikeNelson > She's taken, so back off!

< BillCorbett > In a few upcoming shows, I beleive. Not as Steffi, however.

< MikeNelson > Actually, we like to use Beez, not only 'cause she's very talented, but then we don't have to pay someone from the outside. These are small cable budgets, you know.

< BillCorbett > Due to lewd comments re Beez, Steffi will now be played by Kevin.

< Moderator > <earth-vs-soup> to <Moderator>: Hey are you guys feeling pretty settled at Castle Forrester for the time being?

< MikeNelson > I have a lewd comment to say about kevin.

< BillCorbett > Yes.
< BillCorbett > It will be back next season.

< MikeNelson > I'm settled at Castle Forrestor, in a small room in back, just 'til i get back on my feet man. I swear I'll be out of your hair. You go about your business.

< Moderator > <TJ-Stickymuffin> to <Moderator>: Are you guys going to change the theme song to reflect Castle Forrester?

* MikeNelson watching his heart go on.

< BillCorbett > We're going to change the music to "waltzing Matilda". Seems lyrics though.
< BillCorbett > Same lyrics, that is.

< MikeNelson > Yes, in order to explain the fiction, the song is now 46 minutes long. We have to trim the movie down to 11 minutes, the rest is taken up by Jolly Rancher commercials.

< Moderator > <SilentBob> to <Moderator>: Is it true that McFarlane Toys is making action figures for the show?

< BillCorbett > And guys-in-the-street with deodorant commercials.

< MikeNelson > Yes, "Spanky" MacFarlane toys.

< Moderator > (send your questions as private messages to the moderator)

< MikeNelson > Actually, i don't know. I'm a writer. They lock me in a room with beer and don't tell me anything.

< BillCorbett > And of course, Psychic Hotline commercials.

* MikeNelson drinking a six pack of Coco Lopez

< Moderator > <Wile> to <Moderator>: Was anyone in the staff disappointed that the MST Comic Book had to be canceled?

< BillCorbett > We had a look at it -- it seemed pretty well done to me.

< MikeNelson > Our mailman went berserk and peppered the complex with round after round.

* MikeNelson enjoying a peaty single malt.

< Moderator > <RPerrin> to <Moderator>: Are you going to be doing any more Seeing Ear Theatre production for SciFi Channel like Herd Mentality?

< BillCorbett > Could be, when we're in NY again.
< BillCorbett > NOTE TO SCI-FI: send us to NY again.

< MikeNelson > That was just a fun thing we did because we had some extra time in NY. If we ever get free time in NY we'll do it again, after we visit those quarter theaters. (a quarter! It's such a bargain)

< Moderator > <TomSirVeaux> to <Moderator>: Why did Mary Jo have to go all the way to California to do her scenes with Leonard Maltin? Was Minnesota too far out of the way for Mr Two-And-A-Half-Stars?

< MikeNelson > His "people" did not let him come to Minnesota. They were afraid of he'd get lost at the Indie 500. (They're not very familiar with the flyover territory between the coasts)

< BillCorbett > We sent MJ out there 'cause she needed to visit Bruce and Demi anyway, and try to patch up their marriage.

* MikeNelson getting trashed and chatting all night.

< BillCorbett > Woo-hoo!

< Moderator > <Vermin-Boy> to <Moderator>: How did you guys get ahold of Leonard Maltin after the infamous "Laserblast" sketch?

< BillCorbett > We have some, well, pictures of Leonard.

< MikeNelson > He thought that was funny, actually. Or if he didn't think it was funny, he at least swallowed his loathing for us. Kevin claims he admits to being a stupid bearded man.

< BillCorbett > He's GOT to do what we say. Leonard: right now, wherever you are, jump up and down and bark!

< Moderator > <Chicane> to <Moderator>: I read somewhere that you guys will be doing a Gumby short. Will we ever see cartoons or other claymation on the show?

* MikeNelson commanding leonard maltin to do his bidding.

< BillCorbett > We're gonna take on that whole Looney Tunes series where the kangaroo is mistaken for a mouse.

< MikeNelson > We just finished the Gumby short, it was quite fun. We have no immediate plans to to anymore, but we won't rule it out. I think it would be fun to do old Deputy Dawg cartoons.

* MikeNelson losing consciousness from the peaty single malt.

< Moderator > <YingYang> to <Moderator>: what do you guys think about 'armageddon'?

< BillCorbett > There's really only so much you can say about Gumby.

< Moderator > (and the rest of the summer blockbusters so far...)

< BillCorbett > It was good of Bruce to die.

< MikeNelson > i'd like to say a special "hello" to Eggwhites.
< MikeNelson > Armageddon married in the morning. ding dong the bells are going to chime.

< BillCorbett > The blockbusters were ALL GREAT, EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY ONE OF THEM.

< MikeNelson > I actually didn't see "Armegeddon". I'm saving my money for "The Wedding Singer II".

< BillCorbett > ":the Final Batttle".

< Moderator > <Xxyl> to <Moderator>: Bill, I think you've done a good job filling in for Trace. But Is it only a matter of time before you move out to LA or like some people (won't mention any names but his initials are Mike Nelson) are you content to watch bad movies until you grow old and die?

< BillCorbett > Thnak you, I appreciate your niceness.

< MikeNelson > Hey, I've got a lot of other plans and things and....what? Season 23? Sure, i'm in!

< BillCorbett > I do hope to write for Scott Baio someday.

< MikeNelson > a special hello to "Mrhankey.

< BillCorbett > (A side note: I went to high school in Brooklyn with Scott Baio. Wah, wah, wah!

< MikeNelson > We met Scott out at Skybar in L.A.
< MikeNelson > Truly!

< BillCorbett > Maybe we get him and a couple of Coreys on the show, eh?

< Moderator > <emilsitka> to <Moderator>: Mike, your columns in "Home Theater" magazine have sparked a lot of contraversy. How long will you continue to tackle such difficult subjects? Can we expect a hard-hitting column on coaxial cable?

* MikeNelson licking a toad.

< BillCorbett > I'd lik eto go out to LA and be Frank's valet.

< MikeNelson > Well, I'm working on a novel about THX certification that should set the publishing world on fire.

< BillCorbett > Mike "H.L. Menecken" Nelson.

< MikeNelson > My treatise on Op-amps is considered a masterpiece by this one guy, by the way.
< MikeNelson > a special hello to Vermin-Boy.

< BillCorbett > I had to sit down and catch my breath even after the opening paragraph of your big-screen piece, Mike. I was scandalized!

< Moderator > <Vulpine> to <Moderator>: Mike: Boxers or briefs?

< MikeNelson > Joe Namath netted sling-shot thongs, thank you. That's what i prefer on a man. Personally, I wear boxers.

< BillCorbett > Zanthrick, you OK, honey?
< BillCorbett > Mine are plastic!

< MikeNelson > Special hello to sfchatter.


< MikeNelson > "Gooey" meet me behind the dumpster by Petsmart, 'kay?

< BillCorbett > 'Sup, Trumpy?

< Moderator > <joebesser3> to <Moderator>: Is there any truth to the rumour that Kevin Murphy will be replaced next season by Malcolm-Jamal Warner? Some fans complain about the lack of ethnic groups portrayed on your program.

< MikeNelson > hey "Kupop"!

< BillCorbett > Mr. TJ Stickymuffin, go to your room!

< MikeNelson > Oh, come on! We have Swedes, Norwegians. Germans. Danes. 10% Italian. We've got it all covered.

< BillCorbett > Kevin will actually be replaced by Isabell Sanford.

< MikeNelson > In case you didn't know, Bill Corbett is African-American. Aren't you, bill?

< BillCorbett > And we just hired some Eskimo type, some crap like that.
< BillCorbett > I am indeed.
< BillCorbett > Look at the website -- I'm a bit bleached out, but don't be fooled!

< MikeNelson > I'm Andalusian.

< BillCorbett > You're Anda-LOOSE- ian! Ha ha!

< MikeNelson > Take it easy, "Starla".

< Moderator > <Barro-Marcoule> to <Moderator>: Did the Sci-Fi channel make you do this or was it your own decision?

< BillCorbett > HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I implied that you're a loser! Dece!
< BillCorbett > LOSE-ian might have made the joke more effective, however...
< BillCorbett > My Mom asked me to.

< MikeNelson > The Sci-Fi channel wiped out all record of my existence, and now they make me do this. I'm actually a really hot 23 year old computer programmer.

< BillCorbett > I'm 17, and lonely.

< MikeNelson > My name is Stephanie Hotbodywithnobra.

< BillCorbett > They ask us, we're happy to do it.

< MikeNelson > 'Sup, Chucko?

< BillCorbett > KrUnPy, how's it going, man?

< Moderator > <SwayzeX-Mas> to <Moderator>: Mike: if you where to kiss Servo, what would he taste like?

< MikeNelson > Polypropolene, and Dr. Pepper lip gloss.
< MikeNelson > Also, it would taste like heaven.

< BillCorbett > Visser3, how are 1 and 2 doing? Talk to 'em lately?
< BillCorbett > Oreo Avenger, we appreciate the good work you're doing.

< Moderator > <MST3K-FAN> to <Moderator>: Mike/Bill has anyone on the show actually ever bitten crow? And if so..Is he not made entirly ofa spongy cheeslike substance?

< MikeNelson > hey Zoizoi, say hi to Kestrel1, will ya?
< MikeNelson > Crow is 56 lbs. of blue twisted steel. And some plastic. And he's assembled in our plant in Kentucky from 76 percent american parts.

< BillCorbett > Ahh, Crow and me have little biting matches all the time. He tastes like turpentine with a hint of basil.

* MikeNelson drinking turpentine and painting sunflowers.

< MikeNelson > Stay loose, Eggie.
< MikeNelson > Keep cool ctsurfer32.

< BillCorbett > Spatula Slayer, you won't get away with it forever! Turn yourself in!

< Moderator > <Nexus> to <Moderator>: Has the Sci-Fi channel banned you from doing any Willian Shatner jokes?

< BillCorbett > No.
< BillCorbett > We just take him very seriously.

< MikeNelson > I think the SciFi channel would say "Shatner bash away!". Well, first they'd say, "Is mike there?
< MikeNelson > We just recently saw Shatner doing "rocket Man". It's truly sublime.

< BillCorbett > Actually, we have in our possesion a tape from circa 1978 of Shatner interpreting Elton John's "Rocket Man". He speaks over the music.
< BillCorbett > Oops.

< MikeNelson > Jinx, bill.

< BillCorbett > I think they showed part of it on Letterman once.

* MikeNelson dropping two objects from the tower of Pisa.

< BillCorbett > Get a copy, make your life better!
< BillCorbett > BudHaMope, I miss you.

< Moderator > <Milhouse-666> to <Moderator>: Who would win in a fight: the New Godzilla Vs. Old Godzilla?

* MikeNelson metasticizing.

< BillCorbett > Old Godzilla would kick his ass.
< BillCorbett > New Godzilla was digicrap.

< MikeNelson > The New Godzilla would win because you can now bring Taco Bell into the theater with you.......Does that make any sense at all?

< BillCorbett > I think the chihuahua would drop 'em both.

< MikeNelson > The New Godzilla has a way better valu-meal at Subway.
< MikeNelson > I'm sorry, I think it's actually Val-U-Meel.
< MikeNelson > Or, V'Al. You, Miel.

< BillCorbett > No: Vall-You-Mele.

< Moderator > <OOverlord> to <Moderator>: have you ever wanted to do a classic film like Casablanca, in short a GOOD movie?

< BillCorbett > Yes!
< BillCorbett > I think we all hold that as a special dream.

< MikeNelson > I think it wouldn't be horrible to do that, because the real, pure, unsullied movie would still exist, and would be introduced by Bob Dorian. But better movies are fun, and they hold up to our process.

< BillCorbett > I think we could take on a classic like "DC Cab" or "Amazing Grace and Chuck."

< MikeNelson > Maybe it's Ve. Al. U. Me. Ul.

< Moderator > <Hodanfurter> to <Moderator>: What's the best way you know how to deal with someone who asks for a job on the show?

< BillCorbett > valyoomeeeellll

< MikeNelson > To release the dogs.

< BillCorbett > Hire them immediately.

< Moderator > <Zen`> to <Moderator>: Can I have a job on the show?

< BillCorbett > Yes! How much do you want?

< MikeNelson > Yes. But you have to watch old CPO Sharkey episodes and rate them in order of brilliance.

< BillCorbett > With specific notes on each delivery of "hockey puck".

< MikeNelson > Hey, Ez-92, hope to see you later, man.
< MikeNelson > RedMarcy, you look especially red tonight.

< Moderator > <YingYang> to <Moderator>: which of you stands a better chance of scoring with Meryl Streep?

< MikeNelson > I'd say Gypsy.

< BillCorbett > Ah, AhVirgil, it's you.
< BillCorbett > I already dumped Meryl.

< MikeNelson > YingYang, I've considered your question very seriously and i think....HEY, you're kidding aren't you. Get him out of here!!!!!

< BillCorbett > she was always speaking in annoying accents!

< MikeNelson > I got MerylStrep throat from her once.

< BillCorbett > Gahidus, you da man.

< Moderator > <Crono> to <Moderator>: What is your comment on the Beavis & Butt-head show's blatent imitation of your show, only using music videos?

< MikeNelson > I have a chance to score with The Comish and that's about it.

< BillCorbett > Sucks. Heh heh heh...heh heh.

< MikeNelson > Beavis and Butt-head are as funny as any Deputy Dawg, in my opinion.
< MikeNelson > A lot of people think we ripped off them. That hurts. A lot.

< BillCorbett > Shut up, Dillweed.

< MikeNelson > Eat my shrub, tubthumper...heh heh. heh heh.

< Moderator > only about five minutes left....any final questions from the audience? or comments from our esteemed guests?

< BillCorbett > "Esteemed", come on! It's US!
< BillCorbett > Mike wants you to ask him about his grandchildren.

< MikeNelson > I'd like to thank each and every one of you for making The Truman Show a success. NOW WE HAVE TO LIVE WITH JIM CARREY FOR 30 MORE YEARS!!!! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???!!!!!!!

< BillCorbett > Shut up, Lemongrass.


< Moderator > <SwayzeX-Mas> to <Moderator>: How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll pop center?

< BillCorbett > A-one....a-two...a-three...CHAWMP!

< MikeNelson > Gene Simmons can do it in one.

< Moderator > <Bullseye> to <Moderator>: What movie would you guys like to riff as a final sendoff when the final episode rears its ugly head?

< BillCorbett > Jean Stapleton can too.

< MikeNelson > I would love to have a tear at "I am curious/yellow". Or "Sun Valley Serenade", it's your choice.

< BillCorbett > Blame it on the Bellboy and//or Rio.
< BillCorbett > Probably something with a Willis in it.


< BillCorbett > We can arrange that, Mike.


< BillCorbett > Will you have Spade living in there WHILE married to Carrot Top? I think that's important information.
< BillCorbett > BACK Off, MISTER! I draw the line at Ron Palillo jokes!!!
< BillCorbett > Will you back me up on this, JackAcid?


< BillCorbett > Dear God, man! Stop it!
< BillCorbett > Would you setle for giving Jack Carter a sponge bath every night?


< BillCorbett > Say...

< MikeNelson > yeah....

< Moderator > Finally, any great quotes we can send to Entertainment Weekly to try to get them to put us in their little cyberchat quote column?

< BillCorbett > I mean, the Weird Al thing. (Lasciviously:) Say...
< BillCorbett > Why don't you just quote what Mike wrote above about Grandpa Munster?

< Moderator > okay.

< BillCorbett > Try this: "Robert Vaughn smells like socks".
*** Raven ( has left channel #auditorium

< MikeNelson > Al Lewis had my love child. I can only confess it now because he's 104 years old and doesnt' care anymore.

< Moderator > that's good too. :) thanks for being here...any parting jibes before the room goes unmoderated?

< BillCorbett > Thank you everyone! Especially you, Xxyl1!


< BillCorbett > And thanks for watching the show!
< BillCorbett > I have to give Mike his Ritalin now.
< BillCorbett > (Jerry Orbach...say...)

< MikeNelson > Thank you all for watching and listening to my rants. I'm better now.

< BillCorbett > Thank you thank you thank you!

< Moderator > Thanks again for coming. We'll now be going unmoderated...

Reprinted with permission of The Sci-Fi Channel.