Mike's Fall Fashion Tips

by Mike J. Nelson

Hello and welcome. Mike Nelson here. October is here and I have yet to stack my hay in charming cone-shaped stacks. Neither have I loaded my cornucopia with the riches and bounty of the land. If you have, keep it to yourself, okay?

Sartorially, October presents a problem for we Minnesotans. It's not uncommon for the temperature to reach 134 degrees on October 1st and then plummet to zero Kelvin on the 2nd. With the complete lack of molecular movement, one is compelled to bundle up. We are often told to "dress in layers," which, unless I'm missing something, is impossible to avoid. I can't "dress in stacks" and I challenge you to try. I suppose it's possible to use one complete custom-designed unlayered suit, but then, if you were wearing underwear, you'd still be dressing in layers, technically. I hate to be a snot about it, but if you go around pretending to be helpful by telling people to "dress in layers" you're going to have to expect to get some guff.

I myself adopt my "plain but rugged" look in the fall. It involves wearing really old flannel shirts and jeans (worn threadbare by contact with rough branches and lumberjack saws, one assumes), supplemented by a look of lonesome isolation and unexpressed sadness, lacking nothing in depth, mind you. If I concentrate, I can powerfully yet subtly suggest quiet country wisdom and a dignity that calms the city folk, yet awakens yearnings in their heart they didn't even know were there. Men want to be like me-women want to tame me. And I wear thick-soled boots.

It's a tough look to pull off, but it'll only cost you about eighteen bucks at Ragstock. Try wearing khakis and a polo shirt and practice giving off those waves of dignity and sadness, until you feel comfortable enough to put the whole look together. Then cruise the coffee shops dispensing backwoods bromides like "The sky reflects the soul of the land" and "'Fore long, the ground'll be like iron, and men's hearts are soon to follow." Neither one means anything, but the wake of confusion you leave may stir some unfulfilled need in a young filly's heart.

Try it with my compliments.

[posted 10/98]

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