Satellite News -- Ward E -- Bit205b

Bit: Civil Defense Quiz Bowl


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(Return from commercial sign: from screen right, Tom is dressed in tin foil with a gas mask, with a pennant on the table in front of him saying Oak Ridge, Joel dressed normally, holding a stack of index cards; Crow also dressed in tin foil, no gas mask, with a pennant saying Los Alamos in front of him, Gypsy, wearing a large tinfoil bow on her head, no pennant. Behind them a Civil Defense CD-in-yellow-triangle sign hangs over the door. Audience applause effect.)

Joel: Welcome back to Civil Defense Quiz Bowl! Brought to you by the Grace of God and chocolaty Cocoa Bombs. Let's meet today's challengers! From Los Alamos, New Mexico, representing the military's grudging acceptance of the growing trend away from nuclear proliferation as we plummet towards peace, please welcome, Mr. Crow. (Applause effect, Crow bows to the audience.) And, from Oak Ridge, Tennessee, representing the aerospace and weapons industries, and their glib and almost Machiavellian attitude towards the threat of imminent destruction of the human race, it's Tom Servo. (Applause effect, Tom bows to the audience.) Finally, she's a housewife from Great Neck, Long Island, meet Gypsy. (Applause effect.) All right, let's get things started with a toss up question. (Reading from card.) What three-word slogan was coined during the Cold War, as a schoolchild's best defense against an A-bomb attack? (buzzer) Tom Servo of Oak Ridge!
Tom: Uh, uh, uh, Duck and cover ?
Joel: Could you state that in the form of a desperate cry to God to save you from an unholy death, please?
Tom (as a strangled scream): Duck and coverrrrr! (Ding dong bell)
Joel: Is right, for five points. (Applause)
Tom: Thank you, I'll take 'Propaganda' for fifteen, please.
Joel: The category is: Propaganda. Complete the following sentence: (Reading from card) Had this been an actual emergency... (buzzer)
Crow: Oh, uhh...
Joel: Crow, from Los Alamos!
Crow: Oh, diiii, you would have been advised to tune in the Emergency Broadcast Station in your area for further information. (Ding dong bell, applause)
Joel: Is right, and there's a bonus burst of Strontium-90 if you can complete the rest of the message.
Crow: Uhm, guh, don't tell me, I know this... uhm, and this, concludes the test of the Emergency Broadcast System? (Ding dong bell, applause)
Joel: Right! So, Crow from Los Alamos, is off to an early lead with 30 rems of radiation. Time for another toss up. (Reading from card) "Which early-60s CIA covert operation was considered their greatest failure of the decade?" (buzzer) Crow, Los Alamos!
Crow: Ahh, the Kennedy Assassination!
Joel: No, I'm afraid that one was a success...(buzzer) Tom Servo, Oak Ridge!
Tom: Oh, uh, the Bay of Pigs! (Ding dong bell, applause)
Joel: Is right, for 20 rems.
Tom: Thank you, I'll take 'Civil Defense Myths and Legends' for fifty, please! (audience oohs)
Joel: Ooh, taking a gamble, for fifty curies of Polonium, wow! Here we go, with Civil Defense Myths and Legends. (Reading from card.) "How do you protect yourself from fallout? A: Hide in the basement until it goes away...B: Wear protective rubber underwear and simply brush yourself off at the end of the day...or C: Run naked through a field of sorghum.
Tom: Uh, uh, A and B. (Ding dong bell, applause)
Joel: Is right!
Tom: Thank you. I'd like to spend 5 curies on a followup now, please.
Joel: Oh, we're living dangerously, Tom Servo of Oak Ridge! (Applause. Reading from card.) "Name the two most famous myths of Civil Defense."
Tom: Uh, we can win a nuclear war...
Joel: Number one!
Tom: And, uh, the survivors are the lucky ones! (Double ding dong bell, applause)
Joel: Right! And, Tom Servo from Oak Ridge rockets into the lead with 15 curies and 20 rems. (air raid siren) Uh-oh, it's time for the Fallout Elimination Round. The winner will receive a complete thermo-lactic nuclear fallout shelter, complete with a 17-year supply of canned food, and 500,000 chlorine water purification tablets. There are two questions. Number one. The category is Hollywood Legends. (Reading) "Name the movie with the most radioactive and deadly set. (buzzer) Gypsy!
Gypsy: Moby Dick, with Richard Baseheart?
Joel: Oh, I'm sorry, you're out of the game! (Gypsy falls over with a crash, another buzzer) Crow, from Los Alamos!
Crow: Uh, The Conquerors. (Ding dong bell, applause)
Joel: Is correct! Just ask John Wayne or Agnes Moorehead. Now, on to our final question. What is the most practical thing you can do in the event of a total thermonuclear war? (buzzer) Tom Servo of Oak Ridge!
Tom (as a strangled scream): Duck and coverrrrr!
Joel: Wrong! (buzzer) Crow, Los Alamos!
Crow: Uh, stick your head between your knees (movie sign lights and klaxons begin) and kiss your...
Joel: Oh, we've got Movie Sign! (all rush out)