Bit: Dysfunctional Popcorn

Episode: 212- Godzilla Vs. Megalon

Transcribed by Tori French


(Tom and Crow are dressed wearing bowties. Tom speaks in a geeky voice and Crow speaks in an old geezer voice.)
Tom: Boy, Grandpa, I sure am enjoying this Godzilla movie! And I sure enjoy being your grandson!
Crow: Ah, keep talking, Buddy! You know, I certainly have amassed a fortune wearing dorky big bow ties, weasly glasses and donning big boy hair styles!
Tom: Yeah, sure, whatever you say, Gramps. You know, Grandpa, I was looking through some Italian fashion portfolios and there's some great new looks out, maybe we can hire a fashion consultant and...
Crow: Shut up, you little cretin! It's MY fortune and I'll decide how we wear our hair!
Tom: But, but Gramps! What good is having a bazzillion dollar popcorn empire if no sweet chick will breed with me?
Crow: Listen to yourself, Buddy! It's part of the proud sweet popcorn creed to be without the love of a woman! How can we concentrate on genetically improving the popcorn if we have extremely abundant members of the weaker sex parading up and down the rows of our high-yield-super-chief-double-whammy-ganga-ganga corn? Sweet fruit juices anointing their bodies? Come on, how would this look?
Tom: Well I still WANT one!
Crow: Oh, Buddy! Get a-hold of yourself! We're scientists!
Tom: Well, sorry, Gramps. Hey can I ask you a question?
Crow: Oh, of course.
Tom: When will you be dying, you twisted old ferret?
Crow: Buddy stop tormenting me! I am your grandfather! We are of the same blood! We're popcorn!
Tom: I'm sorry gramps but I can't stop thinking about all that money! I'm really looking to the day when you shed your spotty pox-marked furry coil, I shed my geeky image I sign on a full-time stylist, take dance lessons and disappear into the night! Ha ha!
Crow: You're gonna disappear into the the night right now if you don't shut up! Don't think I haven't thought of disowning you! I relish the thought! Nightly! Nightly! Do you hear me? NIGHTLY!
Tom: Uhh.. have I mentioned that our new light has 1/3rd the calories of our regular popcorn?
Crow: What do you care? You can't afford it, you're flat busted!
Tom (choking): That our new popcorn au gratin has real cheese flavor?
Crow: GOOD! You should get used to it, you're gonna be eating a lot of cheese! Government Cheese!
Tom (in tears): Why do you always do this? I hate you! I'VE ALWAYS HATED YOU! What happened to my real father, anyway?
Crow: He's in the poorhouse where I replaced him just like I'm gonna replace you if you don't shut up and do what I say! (Tom breaks down crying.) It's MY will, MY will not yours!! I've got the keys to the kingdom! I! ME! MY! I'M THE GOD! I'M THE GOD!
Tom (screaming): I HATE YOU!! I HATE YOU!! (Joel enters, with clipboard, as director.)
Joel: Hey! Cut! Cut! Can we cut it, again? Listen, remember. This is only a 30-second spot and try to mention the product more, eh? Oh, we've also got commercial sign.