Bit: What's Ward E?

Episode: 305- Stranded In Space

Transcribed by Jon Whitney


(Tom is conducting an impromptu baking seminar.)

Tom: Now, ladle in a heaping bagful of delicious Nestle Toll House Morsels, and then... (Crow enters, dressed in his jammies, clutching a stuffed animal) ...Hi Crow!
Crow: Oh... oh, man... I had a nightmare... I dreamt Joel was takin' me on a father-son fishing trip, and Mom made us sammiches and stuff... and cake, and we had just finished loading up the station wagon with minnows and stuff, when I noticed Joel was wearing nothing but a Christian Dior bra-and-panty apron, and... the really weird part was he had a little bellhop costume for me, and then the REALLY weird thing was then I started screaming "No, Joel! I don't have the legs for that" and I screamed and he said "Oh yes you do!" and then I said "No I don't! Stay away from me! Stay away from me!" And he started chasin' me around the station wagon, and then Mom came out with a clown suit... and then... and then I woke up. What're ya doin'?
Tom: Oh, I'm making a delicious taste treat, Crow! Four dozen fresh Toll House cookies... mmmm....
Crow: Mmmm... lemme help. Can I help? I wanna help!
Tom: Okay, okay... you can grease those cookie sheets. And don't use the butter, it'll burn!
Crow: Oh okay.
Tom: Hey you know, Crow -- your little fishing dream reminds me of Ward E from today's film, except MY vision of Ward E is kinda like that headache you get when you eat something really cold really fast -- you know, like a popsicle?
Crow: Oh, yeah, neat -- ya know but I was thinkin' what Ward E would be to me -- it's like comin' home to find your answering machine light flashing like mad, only to find out the message is "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and dial again."
Tom: Yes, that's good... but you know, to me, Ward E is all about that nauseating feeling you get on the ride home from church from the Sunday paper that's been sitting in the sun too long... you know, that inky, stink.. uck... smell... eeyuck!
Crow: Yeah, yeah, but no, nonono -- Ward E is that gross feeling ya get when you push down the garbage, and something wet and unknown squirts on ya!? Eeuw!
Tom: Fine, yes... but how about when you're having a salad, and that bacon bit seems a LITTLE too hard to be a bacon bit, and so you take it out, and it looks just a little too much... like a TOENAIL! Ugh... bleah!
Crow (nauseated): Eeugh... rich... creamy... Ward E is like sittin' in a public bathroom, and someone turns the light out! Eeeugh!
Tom (also nauseated): Well, how 'bout when you make a sammich, and you're THIS close to taking a bite, when you notice the bread's got GREEN FUR all over the bottom! Ack!
Crow: How about when you find yourself absent-mindedly fingering a wad of gum on the bottom of a theater chair? Ugh!
Tom: Eeugh! Hardened or wet?
Both: EEEEeeeeew! (Joel enters, wearing a Christian Dior bra-and-panty apron.)
Joel: Hey -- I can't believe you guys started without me!
Tom: Huh? Whoa!
Crow: AAAAAHH! Get him away from me! Aaaahh! (Crow, seeing Joel, flees in terror.)
Joel: What's wrong with him?
Tom: I dunno. Hey Joel -- ever had to dig through the hamper for a pair of underwear?
Joel (nauseated): Oh, ish.

(Movie sign)