Bit: What's Ward E?
Episode: 305- Stranded In Space
[SOL]
(Tom is conducting an impromptu baking
seminar.)
Tom: Now, ladle in a
heaping bagful of delicious Nestle Toll House Morsels, and
then... (Crow enters, dressed in his jammies, clutching a
stuffed animal) ...Hi Crow!
Crow: Oh... oh,
man... I had a nightmare... I dreamt Joel was takin' me on a
father-son fishing trip, and Mom made us sammiches and
stuff... and cake, and we had just finished loading up the
station wagon with minnows and stuff, when I noticed Joel
was wearing nothing but a Christian Dior bra-and-panty
apron, and... the really weird part was he had a little
bellhop costume for me, and then the REALLY weird thing was
then I started screaming "No, Joel! I don't have the legs
for that" and I screamed and he said "Oh yes you do!" and
then I said "No I don't! Stay away from me! Stay away from
me!" And he started chasin' me around the station wagon, and
then Mom came out with a clown suit... and then... and then
I woke up. What're ya doin'?
Tom: Oh, I'm
making a delicious taste treat, Crow! Four dozen fresh Toll
House cookies... mmmm....
Crow: Mmmm...
lemme help. Can I help? I wanna help!
Tom: Okay,
okay... you can grease those cookie sheets. And don't use
the butter, it'll burn!
Crow: Oh
okay.
Tom: Hey you
know, Crow -- your little fishing dream reminds me of Ward E
from today's film, except MY vision of Ward E is kinda like
that headache you get when you eat something really cold
really fast -- you know, like a popsicle?
Crow: Oh, yeah,
neat -- ya know but I was thinkin' what Ward E would be to
me -- it's like comin' home to find your answering machine
light flashing like mad, only to find out the message is "If
you'd like to make a call, please hang up and dial
again."
Tom: Yes, that's
good... but you know, to me, Ward E is all about that
nauseating feeling you get on the ride home from church from
the Sunday paper that's been sitting in the sun too long...
you know, that inky, stink.. uck... smell... eeyuck!
Crow: Yeah, yeah,
but no, nonono -- Ward E is that gross feeling ya get when
you push down the garbage, and something wet and unknown
squirts on ya!? Eeuw!
Tom: Fine, yes...
but how about when you're having a salad, and that bacon bit
seems a LITTLE too hard to be a bacon bit, and so you take
it out, and it looks just a little too much... like a
TOENAIL! Ugh... bleah!
Crow
(nauseated): Eeugh...
rich... creamy... Ward E is like sittin' in a public
bathroom, and someone turns the light out! Eeeugh!
Tom (also
nauseated): Well, how 'bout
when you make a sammich, and you're THIS close to taking a
bite, when you notice the bread's got GREEN FUR all over the
bottom! Ack!
Crow: How about
when you find yourself absent-mindedly fingering a wad of
gum on the bottom of a theater chair? Ugh!
Tom: Eeugh!
Hardened or wet?
Both: EEEEeeeeew!
(Joel enters, wearing a Christian Dior bra-and-panty
apron.)
Joel: Hey -- I
can't believe you guys started without me!
Tom: Huh?
Whoa!
Crow: AAAAAHH!
Get him away from me! Aaaahh! (Crow, seeing Joel, flees in
terror.)
Joel: What's
wrong with him?
Tom: I dunno. Hey
Joel -- ever had to dig through the hamper for a pair of
underwear?
Joel
(nauseated): Oh, ish.
(Movie sign)
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