Satellite News -- Ward E -- Bit315


Episode: 315- Teenage Caveman

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(Tom is standing behind old-fashioned radio announcer's microphone. In the foreground is the "Catching Trouble" title card with "Trouble" crossed out and "Ross" hand-written underneath. Behind the card is a small "tree" with a Ross doll stuck in the branches. Various implements of torture are scattered nearby. Crow is wearing a long black wig and a pseudo-traditional Native American outfit like that of the short's Seminole guide.)

Tom: And hello again, folks. This is your announcer, Tom "Ted" Husing. Today we bring you another adventure from the Satellite of Love Reptile Institute. Wait, here comes Joel Robinson, the Satellite of Love's resident Tarzan, defender of animal justice, followed by his faithful Seminole stand-up guide, Emo Crow.
Crow (as Emo Phillips): I was just wondering if we...
Tom (interrupting): It's a pretty good impersonation, but too bad the Seminole guide doesn't have any lines, as this is pretty much a voice-over. The morning mail brings a letter from PETA: "Go out and catch the slimiest of all creatures, the Great White Ross."
Joel (Ross-like stilted monotone): Here's his shed over here. You go that way, I'll go this way.
Tom: And there he is!
Joel (high-pitched "Ross doll voice," or RDV for short): Oh no! Aaah! Aaah!
Tom: Whoa! Watch out, Joel, that little guy's as helpless as a baby bear cub, but he could take a few fingers off or give you a nasty bruise.
(Joel begins tickling Ross doll and laughing goofily.)
Tom: Well, this doesn't hurt the little fella, but boy is it fun!
(Crow arrives with a chainsaw.)
Tom: Whoa-oh! Here comes Emo, and he's got the right idea!
(Crow saws down, or rather knocks over, tree. Joel continues to shriek inarticulately in RDV.)
Tom: And sometimes you have to be prepared to smoke him out. My boyfriend always comes prepared.
(Joel picks up lighter and lights Ross doll's feet.)
Joel (normal voice): How 'bout a little fire, scarecrow? (RDV) Aaaagh! No! You never said anything about using an open flame in this sketch! Aarrghh!
Tom: And into the bag he goes!
(Joel stuffs doll into "Desert Flour" bag.)
Joel (RDV): Aaagh! No! Not the bag! You know I hate the bag! Aaaarrggh!
(Joel picks up a hammer and begins pounding bag, all the while screaming in RDV.)
Tom: Once Ross is in the bag, it's hammer time! This isn't really important, but after a long day in the woods, it's quite a rush!
(Joel grabs rubber snake and stuffs it in bag.)
Tom: Hello! Mr. Rattler's here to keep Ross company!
Joel (RDV): Please, not the giant rattler!
Tom: It's a long ride home in the bottom of a canoe, and we don't want Ross to get lonely.
Joel (RDV): Please! Please, not the giant rattler! I can't do that! He hates me! We went to camp together!
(Joel picks up a wire-mesh cage.)
Tom: And once back in the camp, Ross' quarters are readied.
Crow: Oh, he can't take it there.
Joel (RDV): Not in the basket! Aaggh! No, not with the rattler!
(Continues screaming as he stuffs the bag in the cage & shakes it.)
Tom: Now Ross can relax in the relative comfort & safety of captivity. We leave you with this question: If you enjoyed "Catching Trouble" in any way, there's something wrong with you.
Joel (stops screaming, normal voice): Any questions?