Episode: 324-MASTER NINJA II

Tom: Timothy Van Patton is NOT the type for a gerbil!

Crow: It's a HAMSTER!

Tom: Well, whatever! He shouldn't be going around with a Cricetid or any small Slavic origin rodent It doesn't fit the profile!

Crow: Ahhh! You're loony!

Tom: Well for your information, Boris, there are plenty of perfect examples of detectives and other crime-fighting types who's pets were perfectly suitted to them! Baretta's cockatoo, Sonny Crockett had a crocodile, Columbo's bassett hound, BJ had the bear...

Joel: Turner had Hootch

Tom: Right! Good! McCloud had his horse They all made sense!

Crow: Oh, c'mon! What made you the expert?

Joel: Well, actually I did I wrote a subroutine in his database allowing him to pair fictional detectives to pets.

Crow: (sarcastic) Oh GEE! What a useful bit of programming!

Tom: Hey!

Joel: Well, it's something to do I mean, why don't you do it for us with today's mumbling heroes?

Tom: I'm suggesting a mandrill for Timothy.

Crow: A mandrill?!?

Joel: What about Magnum P.I.?

Tom: Let's see--something tropical. A sea turtle.

Crow: How about Jim Rockford?

Tom: Praying mantis

Joel: T. J. Hooker?

Tom: Oh, he'd have a creature with the head of Adrian Zmed and the body of a spider monkey

Crow: Uh, The Avengers?

Tom: For Emma Peel, a newt. For John Steed, letís see, a spitting cobra or a duck.

Joel: Toma?

Tom: Cockatoo, same as Baretta. Next?

Crow: Bat Masterson?

Tom: Penguin. All of your 19th century western detectives would have penguins. But there may be a couple puffins thrown in, so be sure and ask me about each one.

Joel: What about Starsky and Hutch?

Tom: Paul Michael Glasser: a vicuna. David Soul: a bat.

Crow: Uh, Matlock?

Tom: He raises meal worms for money.

Joel: The Saint?

Tom: Sea cow.

Crow: Miss Marple?

Tom: Weasel.

Joel: Mod Squad?

Tom: Puppy, lizard, bird.

Crow: Uh, Charles Darwin?

Joel: Oh! Now he wasn't a detective!

Crow: Well, so? He tracked stuff down, didn't he?

Tom: It's okay, Joel. It's okay. Crow, Professor Darwin would have a howler monkey that would eventually evolve into his wise-cracking partner, Blake

Joel: Oh, now you're just showing off (Tom giggles)

Crow: Hey! Wait a minute! Charles Darwin wasn't fictional!

Joel: Hush, you two! We have Commercial Sign (Cut)