Bit: How to Treat Women: A Film by Crow T. Robot

Episode: 907- Hobgoblins

Transcribed by


(Servo is reading "What Do People Do All Day" by Richard Scarry, Mike is reading a paperback copy of "Bleak House." Both are engrossed.

Crow: Say, Mike! (Mike ignores him.) Given the incredibly depraved attitude regarding women in today's movie, I knew you'd want me to make a short film for boys and young men, teaching them how to treat the fairer sex with a proper and healthy respect. (Mike continues to ignore him.) Uh, Mike. Mike!
Mike (distracted): Uh...yeah, sure.
Crow: Uh, good, cause I went ahead and did it anyway, and hopefully it'll help just a little. Let's watch.

(The TV screen says "Let's Talk Women!")

Crow (as narrator of the movie): Ah, women. Women, women, women, women, women, women, women, ha ha ha ha. For you young fellows fresh on the cusp of a blooming manhood, the questions abound. What are women like? What do women want? How should I treat a woman? Perhaps the thorniest problem facing any young man is finding a woman in the first place. It turns out to be...nearly impossible. (Clip from Hobgoblins plays, two women sitting on a couch.) This reporter spent countless hours searching for a woman, like these pictured no avail. The nearest we came during a tense stakeout was this fellow...(Black and white footage of Mike eating a huge sandwich) ...who experts believe is *not* a woman. We begin to wonder--where are all the women? The overheated references in poetry, the images that dominate our media--is it all (sinister) an elaborate fraud? (An out-of-focus photo of a woman appears: she is a long distance away from the camera walking through a field and seems to be wearing a heavy fur coat) This grainy photograph is the only direct evidence we have of a woman in her natural environment. The longer hair, the gentle and nurturing demeanor, are typical of how witnesses describe their supposed encounters with women. This footprint...(he indicates a plaster cast of footprint revolving on a turntable)...while possibly the work of jokesters, is another piece of the puzzle. And it is hard to discount this man's terrifying story. (On screen we see Crow wearing a handlebar mustache, like a mob informant in disguise, using dopey voice): ...and then this woman...well I think it was a woman...she, uh, married me. (Crow as narrator) Did you have any children, sir? (Crow as informant, now panicky) I don't remember...Crow (as narrator, moving on) Someday, perhaps, an actual woman will emerge...(on screen we see a silhouette of a woman, with a question mark over her face) ...and they will no longer exist only in the realm of myth and maybe. Thank you.

[Back on the SOL]

Crow (watching the end of his own movie, satisfied]: Ah. (Realizes that Mike and Servo are staring at him): Oh, um, yes. So anyway Mike, in conclusion, in the off chance that you do run into a woman, uh, you know, treat her with respect and stuff.
Mike (amused): You know, Crow, you do know women. Now what about Pearl?
Crow (defensive): Ok, so one woman exists. That means all women exist?
Mike (dismissively): We'll be right back.
Crow: Name me one other woman.
Mike: Well I can...(he breaks off, realizes he can't, trails off in confusion...)

[Commercial Sign]