Episode: 522- Teenage Crimewave

(A poster of the tubby guy from the bar scene is lowered...Mike marches and salutes through-out the sequence...)

All: Doughy guys! Duh...duh...doughy guys!

Mike: In this movie, the first person to suffer actual physical harm was the big doughy guy! And let's never forget, he lived in an era that would forever be known as the Golden Age Of The Doughy Guy!

Tom: Yes from 1931 until 1959, doughiness was a symbol of success! Proof positive that a man could order 16 ounce porterhouse steaks and three martinis! Tipsy and pink, doughy guys roamed the land freely!

Crow: The major politicians of that era were ALL doughy guys! Their weight and moistness were felt every where they went! The most powerful man of that era was the ultimate doughy guy: J. Edgar Hoover -- who was not afraid to be a doughy gal!

Mike: During that era doughy men covered the continent! Statistics proved there was more humidity at the time. Thousand Island dressing was sold by barrel-full; pork sausage by the metric ton! Why, we owe our very existence to the fact that our mothers were actually willing to make love to the doughy guys!

Tom: In tribute to our nation's doughy guys, we now present an honor roll of the great doughy guys, past and present! Cambot, if you please!

Ernest Borgnine
Jack Weston
Charles Durning
Pat Hingle
Dom Deluise
Hubert H. Humphrey
Nelson Rockefeller
Alvin Barkley
Lyndon Johnson
Wendall Willkie
Huey Long
Fiorello LaGuardia
The Commish
Dan Ackroyd
Ed Koch
Mario Lanza
Ed Asner
Stephen Stills
Penn Jillette
David Crosby
Stubby Kaye
Charles Kurault
Richard Daley (both of them)
Ben Alexander
Fred Clark
Jesse White
Bill Clinton

Crow: Doughy Guys of the World...We take our belts off to you!!! (Cut)