Bit: Technical Difficulties & Mike Takes Command
Episode: 1001- Soultaker
Mike: Well, howdy folks, Mike Nelson here,
and...(imitating Richard Attenbourough in "Jurassic Park")
...welcome...to the satellite of love! (laughs)...Richard
Attenbourough. Uh, before we get started, I should tell you
(puts hands down, suddenly upset) that I just put my hands
in something very COLD AND WET, GAAAAAH! (Cambot pulls back
to reveal that Mike has his hands in two pans with water and
shirts in them.)
Crow: Mike, you
interrupted our wet T-shirt contest!
T-shirt contest, you know, the favorite form of
entertainment in Florida, southern California, and parts of
Mike: Okay, and
these (indicates pans) would be your wet T-shirts.
Crow: Right-o! I
won with my wafflenet crew-neck, which absorbed a full 1.35
liters of water!
Tom: And while
Crow won the day, my Hanes "Beefy-T" absorbed faster, with
Crow: But we're
not quite sure, still, what the big deal is over wet T-shirt
Mike: I'll have a
little talk with my robots and we'll be right back after
this. (They all look at Cambot. Nothing happens.)
clenched teeth.) I don't know, usually we go away when I say
"We'll be right back."
Crow: Well, we're
not, could you do something, please?
still clenched) Okay, hang on. (talking normally) Again,
we'll be right back!
(Again, nothing happens.) Aw, hell, I'm leaving! (Mike holds
Crow: Mike, uh,
jiggle something or...something.
Mike: Okay, uh,
maybe it's this piece of...(Pounds on console until
commercial sign comes up) Okay, there we go, we'll be right
back, I hope.
(Cut to Rocket Number 9. We see a small ship following the
SOL. Commercial sign.)
Mike: Hi, and welcome back to the satellite
of...(Static interference. Through the static, we can see a
still photo of Martin Van Buren.) Hey, what's going on?!
Tom: Why, it's
Martin Van Buren, our nation's eighth president!
Mike: Okay, uh,
Cambot, could you do something about that, please? (Static
stops) Ah, there we go okay, thanks. Anyway, we've got a lot
to do today, so if we could, uh...(more static interference
featuring Martin van Buren, and then some blurry video of a
guy in a red jumpsuit, who is trying to talk over the
Joel: Anybody out
there? What's going on?...(obscured)...Satellite of Love!
Mike: Hey, hey,
now there was another guy and he was trying to say
something, did you see that?
Crow: Oh, it was
probably Martin Van Buren again. And he was trying to say,
"Hi! I'm Martin Van Buren, eighth president of the United
States! I was born in Kinderhook, New York..."
Tom: Oh, would
you stop with the Kinderhook (mumbling)! Mike, the ship is
ten years old, you gotta expect these kind of
Crow: Yeah, I
just got this cup of coffee from the food synthesizer, and
it gave me corn niblets instead!
Mike: Ew, corn
with half-n-half and Sweet 'n low? Yuck!
Crow: Well, I
take my corn black, so it's not a problem.
Mike: Oh, I see!
Attention! The ship is undergoing multiple malfunctions and
they're increasing geometrically! Just thought I'd let you
stupid idiots know! (Everyone reacts in surprise at Gypsy's
idiots?" Gyps, did we do something to offend you?
Aw, cram it you meat puppet! I don't have time for your
constant whiny crap!
Tom: But, you
know, she does have a point, Mike!
Mike: No, can't
you see? Gypsy's Malfunctioning like everything else! Hang
on, lemme get a hold of Pearl. (To cambot) Hey Pearl! Pearl!
Hello Pearl! Our wessel is malfunctioning!
(Pearl, Brain Guy, and Bobo are playing
Pearl: Oh, hold on a second Mike, just let me check to
see if I care. (Flipping through clipboard) Uh, oh,
ummmm...nnno, seems like I don't, um, no, Brain Guy, do you
hmm, wow, uh let me check. (waves hand over brain) um, no!
No, seems like I don't care! Uh, Bobo?
Bobo: (holding up
token) How come I always gotta be the thimble?
(Mike is now smeared with filth and has
huge sweat stains.)
Mike: Ugh, now the shower's not working!
Tom: Mike, it's
only been three minutes!
Crow: Well he
does tend to perspire heavily.
Pearl, can you help at all, huh?!
Pearl: You wanna help him out, Brain Guy?
hmm, wow, uh, well, of course I'd like to...no!
Bobo: Oh come on,
guys, you gotta help 'em out, otherwise they'll die and we
won't have anybody to play with!
Pearl: (As Pearl
talks, Bobo reaches across the table and steals some of her
Monopoly Money) Mike, I find that in times of crisis,
watching a skin-peelingly bad movie can truly help. To that
end I offer you the balm that is "Soultaker," a movie which
an ambitious young lady wrote for herself to star in. I now
turn over your healing process to her. Brain Guy, you wanna
send them the movie there?
hmm, wow, well I ... (Pearl pinches his eyeball) OW! OW!
love to do it, it's just a little hard with your eyeball
being twisted! (Observer puts film can in machine)
Everyone: MOVIE SIGN!
(Cambot zooms in on door, but it won't
open. Mike goes to investigate)
Mike: Hey, what the, oh now what? Stupid door!
manually, Mike! (Mike pushes against door)
extreme glee) Well, I guess we just can't watch the movie!
(Mike continues to push against door until it opens. When it
does, he tries to run ahead of Cambot until he realizes that
he's not fast enough, and he ducks underneath.)
Segment 3: Mike Takes Command
(Tom comes out with a towel draped over
Tom: Something is definitely wrong! The whirlpool is
support is failing, and there's a mysterious ship keeping
pace with us and holding us in its tractor beam!
Crow: Oh my gosh,
an alien presence is attacking us! What do we do, Mike, what
do we do?
Mike: Uh, turn it
over to Gypsy!
munch on this! (leaves)
Tom: Oh great,
Gypsy's hopeless! You better take command, Mike!
Crow: Yeah, we're
losing time Mike! Lead us! Inspire us!
alright, I'm in command! Alright, good! Uhhhhhh, put alien
ship on viewscreen! (Hexfield opens to reveal the ship at a
very far distance.) There!
Tom: Uh, yeah, I
think we need a little something more, Mike, life support is
still failing and all!
Crow: Uh, Mike we
actually don't have magnifi...
Mike: (As picture
gets no bigger) Alright, just a little bit, in, in, good!
Alright, uh, shields up!
Mike: Arm photon
Tom: Mike, uh, we
only had that one photon torpedo, but Crow set it off in
your locker if you remember!
Mike: Well then,
uh, close Hexfield! (Hexfeild starts to close, but then
short circuits and sticks halfway closed) Uh, there! I've
broken the hexfeild! Carry on! I'll be in my Ready Room!
Mike! That's just great!
Tom: Uh, we'll be
Crow: (To Mike)
Uh, you gonna need any corn in there?