Bit: Technical Difficulties & Mike Takes Command

Episode: 1001- Soultaker

Transcribed by Craig Cash

[SOL]

Mike: Well, howdy folks, Mike Nelson here, and...(imitating Richard Attenbourough in "Jurassic Park") ...welcome...to the satellite of love! (laughs)...Richard Attenbourough. Uh, before we get started, I should tell you (puts hands down, suddenly upset) that I just put my hands in something very COLD AND WET, GAAAAAH! (Cambot pulls back to reveal that Mike has his hands in two pans with water and shirts in them.)
Crow: Mike, you interrupted our wet T-shirt contest!
Mike: Your...
Tom: ...wet T-shirt contest, you know, the favorite form of entertainment in Florida, southern California, and parts of Wisconsin!
Mike: Okay, and these (indicates pans) would be your wet T-shirts.
Crow: Right-o! I won with my wafflenet crew-neck, which absorbed a full 1.35 liters of water!
Tom: And while Crow won the day, my Hanes "Beefy-T" absorbed faster, with less dripping!
Crow: But we're not quite sure, still, what the big deal is over wet T-shirt contests.
Mike: I'll have a little talk with my robots and we'll be right back after this. (They all look at Cambot. Nothing happens.)
Tom: Uh...Mike? What's happening?
Mike: (Through clenched teeth.) I don't know, usually we go away when I say "We'll be right back."
Crow: Well, we're not, could you do something, please?
Mike: (teeth still clenched) Okay, hang on. (talking normally) Again, we'll be right back!
Crow: Yeah!
Tom: Uh-huh! (Again, nothing happens.) Aw, hell, I'm leaving! (Mike holds Servo back)
Crow: Mike, uh, jiggle something or...something.
Mike: Okay, uh, maybe it's this piece of...(Pounds on console until commercial sign comes up) Okay, there we go, we'll be right back, I hope.
(Cut to Rocket Number 9. We see a small ship following the SOL. Commercial sign.)

(Commercial break)

[SOL]

Mike: Hi, and welcome back to the satellite of...(Static interference. Through the static, we can see a still photo of Martin Van Buren.) Hey, what's going on?!
Tom: Why, it's Martin Van Buren, our nation's eighth president!
Mike: Okay, uh, Cambot, could you do something about that, please? (Static stops) Ah, there we go okay, thanks. Anyway, we've got a lot to do today, so if we could, uh...(more static interference featuring Martin van Buren, and then some blurry video of a guy in a red jumpsuit, who is trying to talk over the static.)
Joel: Anybody out there? What's going on?...(obscured)...Satellite of Love! (Static ends)
Mike: Hey, hey, now there was another guy and he was trying to say something, did you see that?
Crow: Oh, it was probably Martin Van Buren again. And he was trying to say, "Hi! I'm Martin Van Buren, eighth president of the United States! I was born in Kinderhook, New York..."
Tom: Oh, would you stop with the Kinderhook (mumbling)! Mike, the ship is ten years old, you gotta expect these kind of malfunctions!
Crow: Yeah, I just got this cup of coffee from the food synthesizer, and it gave me corn niblets instead!
Mike: Ew, corn with half-n-half and Sweet 'n low? Yuck!
Crow: Well, I take my corn black, so it's not a problem.
Mike: Oh, I see! (Gypsy enters)
Gypsy: Attention! Attention! The ship is undergoing multiple malfunctions and they're increasing geometrically! Just thought I'd let you stupid idiots know! (Everyone reacts in surprise at Gypsy's comment.)
Mike: "Stupid idiots?" Gyps, did we do something to offend you?
Gypsy: (Shouting) Aw, cram it you meat puppet! I don't have time for your constant whiny crap!
Everyone: Wow!
Tom: But, you know, she does have a point, Mike!
Crow: That's true!
Mike: No, can't you see? Gypsy's Malfunctioning like everything else! Hang on, lemme get a hold of Pearl. (To cambot) Hey Pearl! Pearl! Hello Pearl! Our wessel is malfunctioning!
Crow: Uh, vessel!
Mike: Right, vessel!

[Castle Forrester]

(Pearl, Brain Guy, and Bobo are playing Monopoly)

Pearl: Oh, hold on a second Mike, just let me check to see if I care. (Flipping through clipboard) Uh, oh, ummmm...nnno, seems like I don't, um, no, Brain Guy, do you care?
Observer: Hmm, hmm, wow, uh let me check. (waves hand over brain) um, no! No, seems like I don't care! Uh, Bobo?
Bobo: (holding up token) How come I always gotta be the thimble?
Observer: Bobo says "no!"

[SOL]

(Mike is now smeared with filth and has huge sweat stains.)

Mike: Ugh, now the shower's not working!
Crow: WOAH!
Tom: Mike, it's only been three minutes!
Crow: Well he does tend to perspire heavily.
Mike: Well, Pearl, can you help at all, huh?!

[Castle Forrester]

Pearl: You wanna help him out, Brain Guy?
Observer: Hmm, hmm, wow, uh, well, of course I'd like to...no!
Pearl: Me neither!
Bobo: Oh come on, guys, you gotta help 'em out, otherwise they'll die and we won't have anybody to play with!
Pearl: Bobo, you're right!
Bobo: Oh!
Pearl: (As Pearl talks, Bobo reaches across the table and steals some of her Monopoly Money) Mike, I find that in times of crisis, watching a skin-peelingly bad movie can truly help. To that end I offer you the balm that is "Soultaker," a movie which an ambitious young lady wrote for herself to star in. I now turn over your healing process to her. Brain Guy, you wanna send them the movie there?
Observer: Hmm, hmm, wow, well I ... (Pearl pinches his eyeball) OW! OW! OW!
Pearl: GAME'S...OVER...POWDER!
Observer: I'd love to do it, it's just a little hard with your eyeball being twisted! (Observer puts film can in machine)

[SOL]

Everyone: MOVIE SIGN!

(Cambot zooms in on door, but it won't open. Mike goes to investigate)

Mike: Hey, what the, oh now what? Stupid door!
Tom: Try manually, Mike! (Mike pushes against door)
Crow: (With extreme glee) Well, I guess we just can't watch the movie! (Mike continues to push against door until it opens. When it does, he tries to run ahead of Cambot until he realizes that he's not fast enough, and he ducks underneath.)

(Cut)

Segment 3: Mike Takes Command

[SOL]

(Tom comes out with a towel draped over his neck)

Tom: Something is definitely wrong! The whirlpool is ice cold!
Gypsy: Life support is failing, and there's a mysterious ship keeping pace with us and holding us in its tractor beam!
Crow: Oh my gosh, an alien presence is attacking us! What do we do, Mike, what do we do?
Mike: Uh, turn it over to Gypsy!
Gypsy: Yeah, munch on this! (leaves)
Tom: Oh great, Gypsy's hopeless! You better take command, Mike!
Mike: Me?!
Crow: Yeah, we're losing time Mike! Lead us! Inspire us!
Mike: Okay, alright, I'm in command! Alright, good! Uhhhhhh, put alien ship on viewscreen! (Hexfield opens to reveal the ship at a very far distance.) There!
Tom: Uh, yeah, I think we need a little something more, Mike, life support is still failing and all!
Mike: Alright, increase magnification!
Crow: Uh, Mike we actually don't have magnifi...
Mike: (As picture gets no bigger) Alright, just a little bit, in, in, good! Alright, uh, shields up!
Crow & Tom: Shields?
Mike: Arm photon torpedoes!
Tom: Mike, uh, we only had that one photon torpedo, but Crow set it off in your locker if you remember!
Crow: Heh heh!
Mike: Well then, uh, close Hexfield! (Hexfeild starts to close, but then short circuits and sticks halfway closed) Uh, there! I've broken the hexfeild! Carry on! I'll be in my Ready Room! (Exits quickly.)
Crow: Great, Mike! That's just great!
Tom: Uh, we'll be right back!
Crow: (To Mike) Uh, you gonna need any corn in there?

(Cut)

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