Bit: Wacky Tabacky/Love Deprivation
Episode: 1005- Blood Waters of Dr. Z
(Open on a close shot of crow with a lump
protruding from his beak to indicate that he's chewing on
Crow: (muffled by chewing) Oh, hi! Crow T. Robot here
on the Sattelite of Love, enjoying the great taste and
satisfaction that only smokeless tobacco can bring! (Spits)
Damn! (Zoom out to reveal tobacco juice-drenched cans of
Pepsi One that Crow has been using as spittoons) Just gotta
work on my aim a little! (spits again) Oh, damn! (Mike
enters drinking another can of Pepsi One.)
Mike: Hey, Crow!
What's up? (puts can down in feild of "spittoons")
Mike! Have a dip! try the Kodiak "polar ice melt" menthol!
(spits again) Damn!
Mike: Crow, this
is disgusting! Look at this...Tobacco juice everywhere!
You're just jealous 'cause I can enjoy full flavor wherever
I go! Say, you need me to pitch a shutout or, bring down a
Mike: No, uh,
hey, which pop can is mine? (Trys to pick out the can he was
Crow: Oh, hell, I
don't know! Just take 'em all! There's a lot of satisfaction
in those cans, Mike!
Mike: Yeah, you
know, I think I'll just pass, thanks! (pause while Crow
Crow: Woah, I got
a big load here! Hang on! (Spits. Mike looks down and
grimaces.) Woah, heh-heh, right down into your shoe,
Mike: We'll be
right back! (leaves)
Crow: Oh, relax,
Mike, you just got to learn to cope! (Spits) Bingo!
(After Commercial, close shot of soda
cans labeled "Crow's Tobacco Juice")
Crow: There, Mike! I've clearly labeled them! Now you
don't have to worry about accidentally drinking my
(Servo enters holding labeled can)
Tom: Man, have
you guys tried this "Crow's Tobacco Juice" brand pop? It's
not that good!
Mike: I'm gonna
let Pearl talk while I go...vomit, okay? Alright!
Crow: (To servo)
You know, the good stuff's on the bottom!
(Observer and Pearl are throwing a
medicine ball back and forth.)
Pearl, here we go! (Observer throws ball) That's it, that's
it, you've got the power! (Pearl throws ball) Okay, dig now,
fight it, fight it! (Observer throws ball, after the ball is
thrown, Pearl's watch beeps and she throws the ball directly
at Observer's head, which knocks him out.)
M&TB) Okay, homeslice, time for me to inflict some
brilliantly cruel experiment on you, and time for you to be
a hapless, irredeemable moron!
Mike: Well, okay (realizes he's been insulted)
(Pearl is holding an envelope with an
Institute for Mad Science logo on it)
Pearl: This week, a variant on Dr. Harry Harlowe's
famous maternal love deprivation experiments on
monkeys...only I don't use monkeys! I use you poor saps! And
I begin...withholding...love...NOW! Huh?! How do you like
Tom: No, it's status quo up here, Pearl, sorry!
(Pearl is baffled by the results, and
Observer gets up with a large mark on his head from the
I'm afraid the efficasy of the experiment depends on you
first administering love, and then later withholding it.
Pearl: Oh! So,
alls I gotta do is show them love first, huh?
love, love, love...is that where you find the least common
denominator and then add the numerators?
Observer: Uh, no,
that would be adding fractions, I'm afraid.
Pearl: Well, is
it where you melt the butter and stir in the flour and the
salt, adding eggs one at a time in a saucepan and...?
Observer: No, no,
no, that's your recipie for puff pastry.
Pearl: Oh, I know
what love is! I saved some stuff! (Goes to get
what it is) Ah! (to M&TB) Coming up! (Pearl enters
holding a basket labled "Pearl's love stuff")
me...represents love! Send it up, creepface! (Basket "pops"
(Basket "pops" onscreen)
Mike: Oh, oh, so
this is Pearl's love, huh? (As objects are listed, Mike
picks them up out of the basket) Staple remover!
Tom: A pawn shop
receipt for a 10-gauge shotgun!
Crow: A bottle of
Fleichman's lemon-flavored gin!
Mike: Uh, twelve
Crow: And an
alternator! Wow! Pearl really does love us! (The basket and
all the "love stuff" Dissapears) Wa? No love! Love is gone!
So lost! Feeling panicky! No sense of self! Developing
stress disorder and innability to work with others!
Please stop torturing Crow! Give us your love back,
whe-he-he-here is love?!
Pearl: (Clutching basket greedily) Oh, all right! Here's
all my love back, just take it, I don't even care!!! (Basket
dissapears, Pearl crosses her arms and faces away from the
while you're at it, take a hug from the warm and nurturing
film, (holds up film can) "The Blood Waters of Dr.
Crow: (Still upset) Love...love! (Basket Reappears) Oh,
Tom: There ya go,
kid! (Mike puts pot pads on Crow)
Crow: Sweet, pot
pad love! She does love me! (Movie sign)