Bit: Wacky Tabacky/Love Deprivation

Episode: 1005- Blood Waters of Dr. Z

Transcribed by Craig Cash


(Open on a close shot of crow with a lump protruding from his beak to indicate that he's chewing on something.)

Crow: (muffled by chewing) Oh, hi! Crow T. Robot here on the Sattelite of Love, enjoying the great taste and satisfaction that only smokeless tobacco can bring! (Spits) Damn! (Zoom out to reveal tobacco juice-drenched cans of Pepsi One that Crow has been using as spittoons) Just gotta work on my aim a little! (spits again) Oh, damn! (Mike enters drinking another can of Pepsi One.)
Mike: Hey, Crow! What's up? (puts can down in feild of "spittoons")
Crow: Flavor, Mike! Have a dip! try the Kodiak "polar ice melt" menthol! (spits again) Damn!
Mike: Crow, this is disgusting! Look at this...Tobacco juice everywhere!
Crow: Well, You're just jealous 'cause I can enjoy full flavor wherever I go! Say, you need me to pitch a shutout or, bring down a mule deer?
Mike: No, uh, hey, which pop can is mine? (Trys to pick out the can he was drinking from)
Crow: Oh, hell, I don't know! Just take 'em all! There's a lot of satisfaction in those cans, Mike!
Mike: Yeah, you know, I think I'll just pass, thanks! (pause while Crow chews)
Crow: Woah, I got a big load here! Hang on! (Spits. Mike looks down and grimaces.) Woah, heh-heh, right down into your shoe, Mike.
Mike: We'll be right back! (leaves)
Crow: Oh, relax, Mike, you just got to learn to cope! (Spits) Bingo!


(After Commercial, close shot of soda cans labeled "Crow's Tobacco Juice")

Crow: There, Mike! I've clearly labeled them! Now you don't have to worry about accidentally drinking my spittle!
Mike: Okay! (Servo enters holding labeled can)
Tom: Man, have you guys tried this "Crow's Tobacco Juice" brand pop? It's not that good!
Mike: I'm gonna let Pearl talk while I go...vomit, okay? Alright! (Leaves)
Crow: (To servo) You know, the good stuff's on the bottom!
Tom: Oh, really?

[Castle Forrester]

(Observer and Pearl are throwing a medicine ball back and forth.)

Observer: Okay, Pearl, here we go! (Observer throws ball) That's it, that's it, you've got the power! (Pearl throws ball) Okay, dig now, fight it, fight it! (Observer throws ball, after the ball is thrown, Pearl's watch beeps and she throws the ball directly at Observer's head, which knocks him out.)
Pearl: (to M&TB) Okay, homeslice, time for me to inflict some brilliantly cruel experiment on you, and time for you to be a hapless, irredeemable moron!


Mike: Well, okay (realizes he's been insulted) --HEY!

[Castle Forrester]

(Pearl is holding an envelope with an Institute for Mad Science logo on it)

Pearl: This week, a variant on Dr. Harry Harlowe's famous maternal love deprivation experiments on monkeys...only I don't use monkeys! I use you poor saps! And I! Huh?! How do you like them apples?!


Tom: No, it's status quo up here, Pearl, sorry!

[Castle Forrester]

(Pearl is baffled by the results, and Observer gets up with a large mark on his head from the medicine ball)

Observer: Pearl, I'm afraid the efficasy of the experiment depends on you first administering love, and then later withholding it.
Pearl: Oh! So, alls I gotta do is show them love first, huh?
Observer: Yes.
Pearl: Okay, love, love, that where you find the least common denominator and then add the numerators?
Observer: Uh, no, that would be adding fractions, I'm afraid.
Pearl: Well, is it where you melt the butter and stir in the flour and the salt, adding eggs one at a time in a saucepan and...?
Observer: No, no, no, that's your recipie for puff pastry.
Pearl: Oh, I know what love is! I saved some stuff! (Goes to get something)
Observer: (sees what it is) Ah! (to M&TB) Coming up! (Pearl enters holding a basket labled "Pearl's love stuff")
Pearl: me...represents love! Send it up, creepface! (Basket "pops" offscreen)


(Basket "pops" onscreen)

Crow: Huh?!
Mike: Oh, oh, so this is Pearl's love, huh? (As objects are listed, Mike picks them up out of the basket) Staple remover!
Tom: A pawn shop receipt for a 10-gauge shotgun!
Mike: Wow!
Crow: A bottle of Fleichman's lemon-flavored gin!
Mike: Uh, twelve pot pads
Crow: And an alternator! Wow! Pearl really does love us! (The basket and all the "love stuff" Dissapears) Wa? No love! Love is gone! So lost! Feeling panicky! No sense of self! Developing stress disorder and innability to work with others! Nyah!
Mike: Pearl! Please stop torturing Crow! Give us your love back, please!
Crow: (Singing) whe-he-he-here is love?!

[Castle Forrester]

Pearl: (Clutching basket greedily) Oh, all right! Here's all my love back, just take it, I don't even care!!! (Basket dissapears, Pearl crosses her arms and faces away from the camera)
Observer: And, while you're at it, take a hug from the warm and nurturing film, (holds up film can) "The Blood Waters of Dr. Z!"


Crow: (Still upset)! (Basket Reappears) Oh, Love!
Tom: There ya go, kid! (Mike puts pot pads on Crow)
Crow: Sweet, pot pad love! She does love me! (Movie sign)
Mike & Tom: MOVIE SIGN!
Crow: Goodbye, love!