Bit: Some White Devils

Episode: 203- Jungle Goddess

Transcribed by Lorrie Matheson


Joel: What in the samscratch is that noise?

Tom: Sounds like a mosquito about the size of your head just got sucked in through the access port.

Crow: Oh, don't be absurd. A mosquito couldn't live in a vacuum. Hey, there's a ship coming into range.

Joel: Hey, Cambot, give us, uh, Rocket Number Nine. Let's see what it looks like. Hey, that's no mosquitoÉthe British stopped using those at the end of the war.

Tom: Hey, look, something's coming in on the Hexfield Viewscreen.

(Imperialistic Aliens # 1 and # 2 appear in viewscreen. # 2 is trying to shoot Joel and the 'bots with a machine gun.)

IA # 1: Would you stop that! Stop it! We're not sure if we don't understand them yet.

IA # 2: Sorry, sorry.

Joel: Hey, what do you guys want?

IA # 2: We want to shoot you. [fires machine gun}

IA # 1: Stop that! Stop it! You can't shoot through a viewscreen.

IA # 2: Oh, sorry, sorry.

IA # 1: Let me. Uh, hello! Greetings, insignificant life forms! Uh, we come bearing gifts, beads, trinkets, uh, Coke bottles, accessoriesÉ

IA # 2: And bullets! [fires machine gun]

Tom: Uh, Joel, what the heck do they want?

IA # 1: Actually, our needs are rather simple...I uh, brought a little, brought a little list. Uh, all we need is, uhÉah, here it is: mineral rights, women, property, scalps, food, clothing's the standard list. UhÉoh, and also, we want the cute one's head.

Crow: Uh, that must be you, Joel.

Tom: Yeah, definitely Joel.

Joel: Hey, quiet you guys. We're talking to an alleged "higher life form," whatever that means.

IA # 2: That's us! [fires machine gun]

IA # 1: Now, if you could just pop that stuff over to our ship, we'd greatly appreciate it. Oh, I brought a little treat for you, too. Uh, the Magic Fire Stick.

IA # 2: Ooooooh....

IA # 1: Also, the ball and the cup trick, uhÉ-

IA # 2: We've also brought uh, VD, smallpox, and, uh, the widow-maker. [fires machine gun]

IA # 1: Stop that, you idiot! Now, Mr. JoelÉ-

Joel: Yeah?

IA # 1: You are a white man, with strange-looking slave-typesÉ-

Crow and Tom: Hey!

IA # 1: Why haven't you exploited them yet?

IA # 2: Or at least shot them? [fires machine gun]

Joel: Hey, listen you two, these two slave-types happen to be my friends, and I don't know where you two get off waltzing around geo-synchronous orbit trying to throw your white male weight around! You got another thing coming, you're messin' with the Satellite of Love!

Crow and Tom: Yeah!

IA # 1: I see. Did you enjoy the tureen? The radicchio was picked fresh. Kill them.

IA # 2: [fires machine gun]

Tom: Oh, brother.

IA # 2: [as viewscreen closes] I WILL KILL THEM!

Joel: Man. We gotta stop giving our address out, ya know that?