Satellite News -- Ward E -- Bit205c

Bit: Review of Rocket Attack USA

Episode: 205- Rocket Attack USA

Transcribed by Lorrie Matheson


(Joel, Crow and Tom , traumatized by the movie, are all all angrily shouting at Cambot)

[Deep 13]

Dr. F: Now, now, now, you're all speaking at once and I can't understand you. You're upset. Please, one at a time.


Joel: Okay, okay, you guys, let's just take it easy.

(They pause for a moment, try to calm down, then begin to shoutat once again)

Joel: Hold it! Listen, maybe they're right. Maybe we should just take this one at a time and try to explain how we're feeling. Okay, go ahead, Tom.

Tom: Okay.

Joel: You start.

Tom: Well, first of all, Sam Waterston sends the spy guy in the Piper Cub over to Russia to the restaurant with the bad service. And then he meets the girl who dates a pig, and he lives in her closet for 10 years while they develop the United States rocket program!

Crow: Yeah, yeah, and like a fine wine the relationship between the spy girl and the fat, stinky, balding Russian pig guy only gets better--and that's disgusting!

Joel: Enter Leonard Nimoy/Bill Bixby-type. He hands them a mega-ton of TNT, leads them into the woods, and suddenly they're having a teary departure like we're supposed to care. I mean, we didn't even know the guy was supposed to be a Brit. Y'know, all he did was say things like "Cheerio" and "Good boy." Gol.

Tom: Yeah, then Sooey the Pig Girl gets shot, in one of the least dramatic scenes since "Date with an Angel." Spy Guy muffs the bombing on the missile guarded by the Fotomat, and then he gets shot in the same place as Sooey the Pig Girl!

Crow: Oh, cut to New York, where Art Metrano and Harry Connick eat pizza and buy ties for their stupid girlfriends and Harry Truman gets off a plane by the sewage dump and then a blind guy goes by and says, "Help me." What the hell was that supposed to be?!

Joel: Yeah, and then there's the glorious ending where the entire center of New York City explodes--except for the perimeters--and all we learn is that we're supposed to live in the suburbs--not in the city! I got some--I gotta read some letters.