Bit: Good Thing about Movie for RAM Chips
Episode: 206, Ring of Terror
Transcribed by Lorrie Matheson
Joel: Okay, you guys, it's the end of another movie. All you gotta do is tell me a good thing and you get a juicy RAM chip, all right?
Crow: Ah...hold it, Joel. This is unfair--this film's a dog! There isn't an uplifting or good thing about it!
Tom: He's right, Joel. Now, for example, did you see how degrading they were to overweight people? Now, it's bad enough they show the two fatties pounding malts in some desperate shark feeding frenzy, and eating RAM chips, but then they kept cutting away to the schoolkids laughing as the two tugboats tried to tango on the dance floor! RAM chip, please.
Crow: Yeah, and uh, while the other kids made out in the bushes, our hefty heroes were forced to vacuum in a sandwich with RAM chips, and in the very next scene they showed them diving into a wheelbarrow full of hotdogs, and RAM chips.
Tom: And it wasn't just people, either. RAM chip. The spooky guy from the beginning purposely stepped on Puma the cat's tail. I'd like my RAM chip now, please.
Crow: Yeah, and, and they weren't using any stunt snake when the guy did the tap dance on the rattler's head. Uh, RAM chip now?
Tom: And what about the car crash victim? Onion RAM chip. The only two people--only two people show up at his wake, and then the only point of the scene was to show how our hero was really a fraidy-cat. RAM chip NOW.
Crow: Yeah, so they killed a character just to advance the plot, and ...oh, jeez, Joel, what was the deal? Are all med students so mean and frustrated 'cause they haven't gotten RAM chips, or just the ones that've been in school for forty years without RAM chips?
Crow: Cherry RAM chip ...
Joel: Listen, you'll have to lighten up, because, hey, cut it out.
Crow: All right...all right....
Joel: Because I can think of an obviously good thing. Even though people made fun of the heavy people, they still loved each other for who they were. Now, I need something positive for you to get a RAM chip.
Tom: Well, there was tons of food for them to eat, like chocolatey RAM chips!
Crow: Yeah, and this movie provided work for a bunch of senile old codgers who eat RAM chips.
Tom: Yeah, none of the girls had to study late or watch dead bodies getting cut up or get a degree, RAM chip NOW, please.
Crow: And the freshmen were publicly humiliated for everyone's enjoyment by not getting RAM chips!
Joel: You're still not giving me the positive things I need.
Crow and Tom: Ohhhhhh.... hmmmm....
Crow: Well, at least that guy didn't have to marry Resusci-Annie.
Tom: Yeah...well, thank goodness the fat people were so stupid they didn't even realize they were the brunt of everybody's RAM chip jokes.
Crow: Yeah....well, it's a good thing that those mean parents locked up the hero next to his dead granddad, or there wouldn't be a movie. Or RAM chips. For anyone.
Joel: Well, listen. There's only one who gets the RAM chip.
Joel: And that's me.
Joel: And I give it to Gypsy. (Gypsy enters; Joel drops RAM chip in her mouth)
Tom: Wait a minute...
Joel: There ya go, girl, all right.
Tom: Aw, now, why? Why?
Joel: Well, because I'II tell you wh--the only good thing about the movie was that it was really short.
Tom: Hey. Yeah. And we're done for the day!
Joel: Yeah, we should read a letter.
Tom: All right!
Crow: Yeah. Whoo!
Frank: Hold it! Don't touch that letter. It just so happens we've cooked up another cinematic RAM chip for you to digest. Ha ha ha..."The Phantom Creeps... Part 3."
Joel, Crow and Tom: Awwwwwww.....
Dr. F: But first, a commercial.
Joel, Crow and Tom: Awwwwwww ....