Bit: The Explorers Episode: 208- Lost Continent Transcribed by Lorrie Matheson [SOL] Tom: (whispers) Okay, Cambot, you ready? Everybody, shhh! Ahem! (in announcer voice) "The Explorers," a Quinn Martin Production. Starring Joel Robinson. Also starring Crow and Tom Servo. With Special Guest Star Michael Sarrazin. Tonight's episode: Drop Personal Pronouns or Die! Act I. Crow: Oh, what I wouldn't give for a char-broiled hamburger samich and some French-fried potatoes! Tom: Boy, you said it. Mmm-mmm! Joel: Greetings, naïve native types. I am Joel Robinson, explorer. I come on great white jet bird in sky. Tom: Oh, you mean that DC-9 stretch that arrived at oh-fourteen hours this morning? Joel: I come to teach you white way. Teach you white man's tongue. Crow: Jeez, what is it with this guy? Joel: I show you great white culture. Shakespeare, "Be not be," that question. Sinatra: "Get no kick champagne, mere firewatcher (?) no thrill, get kick you." Kingstons: "Louie Louie, ooh baby, we got go, ya ya ya ya." Crow: You're high, aren't you? Tom: Act II. Joel: I come to... Tom: (whispering) Teach you backward people... Joel: Teach you people. You know not about Bible, you know not about, uh, schools, you know not about Home Shopping Network.... Crow: (to Tom) Servo, look at his eyes--he's all tripped up on goofballs! Joel: I... Tom: Act III. Joel: I here to show you ways of West, show you Judeo-Christian way of life. Tom: Uh, that's all very well and good, but why are you talking like an idiot? Act IV. Joel: I need you guys to talk this way because, uh, it's the only way you can help support the White Male Reality. Tom: Oh, well, how do you figure that? Joel: As the white man ravages his world with his materialistic corporate sensibilities, you see, you help support his smug superioristic attitude by talking real dumb. Crow: Jeez, this sketch is gettin preachy! Tom: Okay...we make white devil feel good. We talk like jerk. Joel: Great. I know I can count on you simple backward natives to help me out. Tom: Glad we be of help. Crow, kill him! Kill him! KILL HIM! Epilogue. Kill him! Joel: I knew it, I knew it! Tom: Huh? Joel: So...thought you could make Crow the fall guy, didn't you, Tom Servo? Pret-ty tricky, but the truth is is YOU killed Michael Sarrazin! YOU DID IT! Crow: Hey, what kind of psychedelic voyage are you on now? Tom: I dunno... Joel: He had it all figured out. He knew the perfect crime. I even had Betty and Jebediah check for prints, but they came up short-- Tom: Joel... Joel: But you forgot the one thing that EVERY murderer forgets! Tom: Joel, Joel, Joel...you're way off script. What the hell are you talkin' about? Joel: Well, I'm just trying to find a way to justify all this Quinn Martin stuff-- Tom: Ohhhh... Joel: With the explorer stuff. He never produced anything with an explorer in it. Tom: Okay, okay...I did it! I killed him! And you know what? I'm glad I did it! Glad, I tell you! Glad! Ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaa! [movie sign horn goes off] Joel: We got movie sign!!! (cut) .