Bit: The Explorers
Episode: 208- Lost Continent
Transcribed by Lorrie Matheson
Tom: (whispers) Okay, Cambot, you ready? Everybody, shhh! Ahem! (in announcer voice) "The Explorers," a Quinn Martin Production. Starring Joel Robinson. Also starring Crow and Tom Servo. With Special Guest Star Michael Sarrazin. Tonight's episode: Drop Personal Pronouns or Die! Act I.
Crow: Oh, what I wouldn't give for a char-broiled hamburger samich and some French-fried potatoes!
Tom: Boy, you said it. Mmm-mmm!
Joel: Greetings, naïve native types. I am Joel Robinson, explorer. I come on great white jet bird in sky.
Tom: Oh, you mean that DC-9 stretch that arrived at oh-fourteen hours this morning?
Joel: I come to teach you white way. Teach you white man's tongue.
Crow: Jeez, what is it with this guy?
Joel: I show you great white culture. Shakespeare, "Be not be," that question. Sinatra: "Get no kick champagne, mere firewatcher (?) no thrill, get kick you." Kingstons: "Louie Louie, ooh baby, we got go, ya ya ya ya."
Crow: You're high, aren't you?
Tom: Act II.
Joel: I come to...
Tom: (whispering) Teach you backward people...
Joel: Teach you people. You know not about Bible, you know not about, uh, schools, you know not about Home Shopping Network....
Crow: (to Tom) Servo, look at his eyes--he's all tripped up on goofballs!
Tom: Act III.
Joel: I here to show you ways of West, show you Judeo-Christian way of life.
Tom: Uh, that's all very well and good, but why are you talking like an idiot? Act IV.
Joel: I need you guys to talk this way because, uh, it's the only way you can help support the White Male Reality.
Tom: Oh, well, how do you figure that?
Joel: As the white man ravages his world with his materialistic corporate sensibilities, you see, you help support his smug superioristic attitude by talking real dumb.
Crow: Jeez, this sketch is gettin preachy!
Tom: Okay...we make white devil feel good. We talk like jerk.
Joel: Great. I know I can count on you simple backward natives to help me out.
Tom: Glad we be of help. Crow, kill him! Kill him! KILL HIM! Epilogue. Kill him!
Joel: I knew it, I knew it!
Joel: So...thought you could make Crow the fall guy, didn't you, Tom Servo? Pret-ty tricky, but the truth is is YOU killed Michael Sarrazin! YOU DID IT!
Crow: Hey, what kind of psychedelic voyage are you on now?
Tom: I dunno...
Joel: He had it all figured out. He knew the perfect crime. I even had Betty and Jebediah check for prints, but they came up short--
Joel: But you forgot the one thing that EVERY murderer forgets!
Tom: Joel, Joel, Joel...you're way off script. What the hell are you talkin' about?
Joel: Well, I'm just trying to find a way to justify all this Quinn Martin stuff--
Joel: With the explorer stuff. He never produced anything with an explorer in it.
Tom: Okay, okay...I did it! I killed him! And you know what? I'm glad I did it! Glad, I tell you! Glad! Ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaa!
[movie sign horn goes off]
Joel: We got movie sign!!!