Bit: Adjusting Tom's Sarcasm Sequencer
Episode: 211- First Spaceship to Venus
Transcribed by Lorrie Matheson
Tom: Oh, oh...hi, everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love. I've asked Joel if he'd raise the level on my sarcasm sequencer.
Joel: (using screwdriver on the back of Tom's dome) That oughta do it.
Tom: Oh, yes. Oh, while you're at it, why don't you keep digging into my back? A warm, relaxing massage with a screwdriver? Oooooh, sign me up for that!
Crow: I think it's working.
Tom: The great Crow speaks? Oooooooh, let me anoint your beak with scented oils. Membership in the Crow Fan Club? Oh, it's dream come true for me. Ooooh...
Magic Voice: Commercial sign in fifteen seconds.
Tom: Commercials? Oh boy, I can't wait. Thirty-second materialistic sound bites that insult our intelligence? Ooooooh, give me more of those!
Joel: Uh, I'm gonna have to adjust Tom's sarcasm sequencer. We'll be back after that.
Magic Voice: Commercial sign in 5...4...3...2...commercial sign now.
Tom: (over Magic Voice) Oh, is the great Joel Robinson going to honor me with his attention? A blessing in disguise? I don't think so! Oh, did a little harder, Joel, I can't feel the pain yet.
Crow: You've got him uh, set on uh, constant sarcasm, and you're gonna want to have him on random. Pretty much, I think.
Joel: Uh, duh, no kidding. Yeah, I put him on random sarcasm, so he'll only be sarcastic at the appropriate time. Like uh, when someone mentions, uh, like, uh, Pia Zadora?
Tom: Well, actually, I think making fun of her has become a cliché. Everybody does it. And you know, in her favor, she was in a John Waters film, you guys.
Joel: Okay, well, what about...ummm..Dan Quayle?
Tom: Oh, look, Dan Quayle scares me as much as the next guy, but everybody and their sister has come up with a sarcastic Dan Quayle quip. It's just too easy.
Joel: I'm not even gonna mention Gallagher, then.
Tom: Ooooooooooooh, he is my absolute all-time favorite! Oh, paying money to have watermelon sprayed all over you? Oh, give me more of that. Oversized props mixed with undersized talent? Oooooh, put me in the front row. Excuse me, Mr. Shopkeeper? Can I trade in my volume of Annotated Shakespeare for a tape of "Melon Crazy"? Oh, please, may I? Ooooooooooooooooh!
Joel: Uh, take it easy, the elusive uberlords are calling here.