Bit: Tough Guy Names

Episode: 410- Hercules Against the Moon Men

Transcribed by Erich Mees


(Tom and Crow have new oversized muscular arms. Joel takes off a welding mask and blows out his acetylene torch.)
Joel: Okay, you're all done. Now, listen, don't take any food or water for the next three hours, all right?
Crow: Okay.
Tom (admiring Crow): Wow! Rico-ee suav-ee over there!
Crow: Why, thank you, my good fellow. Say, you're looking rather Jean-Claude Van Damme yourself!
Tom: Yeah? Really think so? You know, inside every Tom Servo is an Alan Steel waiting to get out. Okay, okay, Joel, ask me "Which way to the beach?"
Joel: Oh! Just hold it a second, my beefy bots. You need one more accessory to really augment your ensemble.
Tom: Huh? What? Say what?
Joel: Yeah, you need a new name that's as big and brawny as your new upper-body implants.
Tom: Oh, right! Well, what good is a tough guy without a tough-guy name?
Joel: Yeah, exactly. You know, the general rule of thumb is that you take a--have a real virile first name, like "Alan," and then a second name that sounds like some kind of hard surface, like "Steel." Alan Steel, get it?
Crow: Oh, I get it! Okay, my new name is "Drake Tungsten."
Joel: Good!
Crow: And you have to call me that, too.
Joel: Okay.
Tom: Okay, okay, I dub me "Russ Tile Floor." (chuckles and growls proudly; Joel and Crow grumble and mutter.)
Joel: Well, uh, I don't know if that really works, 'cause that makes your middle name "Tile," and you'd have to put it in quotation marks or parentheses or something.
Tom: Oh.
Joel: And then that would make your last name "Floor," which really isn't all that great.
Tom: Okay, okay, how about this? "Ric," R-I-C, "Drywall!" Ric Drywall!
Crow: Well...drywall really isn't that...I mean, it's not like, you know, concrete or...something hard.
Joel: Yeah, Crow's right.
Crow: Drake.
Joel: Drake's right.
Tom: Okay, fine! Fine!
Crow: Hey Tom! How about "Adam Plexiglass?"
Joel: Yeah, or, uh, "Vic Kevlar?"
Crow: "Nick Pig-Iron."
Tom: Look, just forget it, okay?
Crow: "Jm J. Bullock!"
Tom: Now that's not funny! Just drop the whole thing! Just drop it now, okay?
Joel: Well, listen, maybe you could be one of those tough guys without a tough-guy name, like Sylvester Stallone or something.
Tom: Oh, don't patronize me, Joel. (Tom's new arms fall off.)
Joel: Oh, uh, Tom, I hate to tell you, but your--you just rejected your donor limbs.
Tom: I KNOW THAT! Don't you think I know that?! I'm living it! I know it! I'm here living it! (starts sobbing)
Crow: Hey, Servo, I just thought of a good name for you.
Tom (stops sobbing): Really? What?
Crow: "Danny...No-Arms!"
Tom: LEMME AT 'IM! (starts ranting unintelligibly) [Movie sign]
Joel: Oh, we got movie sign!