Bit: The Bots Need Cheering Up

Episode: 421- Monster A-Go-Go

Transcribed by Sarah "Bookworm" Heiner


(Joel, Crow, and Tom at desk. Tom wears crown and robe, Crow wears jester outfit and holds a Crow stick puppet.)

Joel: Okay. I knew this movie might get you down, Tom, so voila! (Shrill) You're a happy king! (imitates trumpet fanfare)
Tom: (dully) Huh. Great little song there, Joel, real dignified. Think I'll go throw myself out an airlock.
Joel: (preventing Tom from leaving) Oh, come back here, Tom. Come on. You know, every kid on Earth dreams of becoming a happy king! (fanfare, again)
Tom: Yeah, fine, Joel. Whatever. I just rolled off a turnip truck.
Joel: And Crow T. Robot, by the power vested in me by the kingdom of Kookyville, I now pronounce you Sir Giggles Von Laughsalot! (fanfare)
Crow: Oh, Joel, I beg you *not* pronounce me Sir Giggles Von Laughsalot!
Joel: Your job, Sir Giggles, is to make sure that King Tom remains a happy and cheerful king! (Fanfare again. Tom breaks down crying.) Hey, what's wrong?
Tom: Joel, it's this movie! It was really depressing! It was like--it was like being a little kid and eating dinner at your aunt Ruth's apartment in the summer, and it's hot in there, and she's got a local Christian radio station on, and there's nothing to do or look at cuz all she's got in the apartment are Good Housekeeping magazines and linen doilies! (sobs)
Crow: Yeah! And then they send you out to play with the strange neighbor kids, and they're all big, and their skin is *pink,* and they have big pores, and a big eighth grader makes you look at *really* upsetting pictures, and so you go back inside and sit down, and they're all just talking and there are big pauses in their conversation and you can hear the clock ticking on the wall! (breaks down)
Tom: Yeah, yeah! So you dig into your seat cushion and you find a *really* old peanut, and you're so bored you *eat* it, and then you just feel bad and a little sick, and--and then you think you're about to go, but then--then Aunt Ruth takes out a photo album filled with black-and-white photos of kids with squinty eyes, and they're supposed to be your uncles and aunts or something, and then your parents force you to look at them! (breaks down)
Joel: Okay, okay, come on, come on. We're tougher than that, you guys! Come on! Let's think of something good about the movie! Come on, Sir Mixalot!
Crow: It's Sir Giggles Von Laughsalot.
Joel: I mean, Sir Giggles Von Laughsalot.
Crow: Um, oh...
Joel: Come on.
Crow: Uh...what? (consults with stick puppet) Oh! You couldn't hear the dialog.
Joel: All right, now, that's a good one! What about you, King Tom?
Tom: Okay, okay. Don't tell me. Uh--no one involved with this dungheap (flick?) ever went on to do anything else!
Joel: Right! All right! That's a good thing! (Gypsy enters. To Cambot.) You see, sirs, you can throw us any crummy movie you got and we can take it, or my name's not Joel Robinson!
Tom: Yeah, and my name's not Tom (shrill) "Happy King" Servo! (fanfare from Joel)
Crow: Yeah, and my name's not Crow T. "Sir Giggles Von Laughsarobot" Whatever.
Gypsy: Yeah, and I'm not even Gypsy!
All: Yeah!
Joel: Whaddaya think sirs? Yeah! (Tom blows raspberry. Crow's puppet says "Yeah!")

[Deep 13]

Dr. F: That's fine, Joel. Have you petty little insurrection. Just remember you're trapped in space dressed like happy *kings*, and Frank and I are down here on Earth, free to do whatever we want. (Frank walks in with TV Guide.)
Frank: Hey, Dr. F., there's a Matlock marathon on tonight. You in? (Dr. F. slaps TV Guide out of Frank's hands.)
Dr. F: Oh! Push the button, Frank. (Frank does so with ingenuous expression.)