Bit: The Spy Who Hugged Me

Episode: 504- Secret Agent Super Dragon

Transcribed by Sarah "Bookworm" Heiner


(Joel, Crow, and Tom behind desk. Joel, wearing print scarf and glasses, is hunkered down to the 'bots' level. They're all holding scripts.)

Crow: People, places--oh, good. Well, if you've all had a chance to look over the script, let's start on page--
Tom: Crow, this'd better not be another stupid 'Earth vs. Soup' type of spec script, buddy.
Crow: Tom, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. I've streamlined, chopped, and channeled the spy-movie genre to reflect '90's sensibilities.
Joel: Well, you know, Crow, that sounds really...interesting.
Crow: Thank you, Joel. The market demands it, you know. Tom, you'll be reading the part of Sandy Windhamhill, the good-looking-in-an-androgynous-way super-spy, who is in touch with his feminine side. I realize I'm asking you to play against type, but I--
Tom: Gee, that sounds really--stupid, Crow! I can't foil the evil forces trying to conquer the world if I'm a dumb ol' sissy-britches!
Joel: Wait a minute, Servo. Let's just give it a chance. We'll just read Crow's treatment, okay?
Crow: The Spy Who Hugged Me. Ah, Joel, you'll be reading a couple of parts, if you would--Sandy's love interest, Holly Affirmations, and the bad guy, Gary Diabolique.
Tom: For God's sake, man! I want to drink martinis in Istanbul and utter glib bon mots in Moscow, and drive with my feet while escaping thugs in Monte Carlo, and meet girls in Ipanema--the kinds of things a super-secret super-spy is *supposed* to do!
Crow: I support your owning those feelings.
Tom: Yeah, support this.
Crow: Top of page 12--Joel, you're Holly.
Joel: Okay. (falsetto) You understand, Mr. Windhamhill, that even though we are sharing a sexual tension between us, I must kill you.
Tom: (reading) Um, Holly, thank you for being honest. Let me say that I think you're a really terrific, dynamite lady, but right now I'm in a committed relationship with--someone (can't believe what he's reading) who's very special to me? (muttering) I don't believe this...
Joel: Okay, Holly pulls a gun out of her purse--I'll use my hand--and says (falsetto) Then you understand, Mr. Windamhill. Nothing personal.
Tom: (reading) Ah, boundaries, Holly, boundaries--(breaking character) Crow! I'm supposed to be a man who leads a life of danger!
Crow: Servo, the only way around it is through it.
Tom: Oh, brother.
Crow: Okay, let's jump ahead a few pages. Sandy has carpooled with Gary Diabolique to the World Domination Headquarters. And Joel, you're Gary, and you're going to shame with world with your specially-invented anti-Bradshaw device. So, top of page 26, and--Thomas.
Tom: Okay...(reading) Mr. Diabolique, if you have a few minutes, I need to confront you on your shaming behavior. (breaking character) Tshaa!
Joel: (in character as bad guy) Oh, Mr. Big Windamhill--thinks he's going to save the world! Well, who do you think you are, mister?
Tom: (reading) Gary, I feel you're upset with me. I know it's not about me, but about issues in your (again, can't believe what he's reading)--family of origin? (breaking character) You have got to be *kidding* me, Crow!
Joel: (still in character as bad guy, reading) So, you think you know everything, Mr. Namby-Pamby-Damby-Butt. Gonna cry now, huh? Gonna cry?
Tom: (back in character, reading) Um, I'll have to ask you to respect my boundaries.
Joel: (in character, reading) You don't get it, do you, you stupid moron idiot? I'm going to control how people respond to me! *I* am going to rule the *world!*
Tom: (reading) Gary, that's really codependent. (breaking character) I can't believe I just said "codependent"! Oh, that's it! You've completely defiled a revered film archetype and you've made me feel like a total baffoon! I'm out of here! (exits)
Crow: (calling after him) Well, really, only Tom can make Tom feel like a total baffoon.
Tom (off-screen): Yeah, bite me! (Movie lights, buzzers, etc.)
Joel: Oh, we've got movie sign!