Bit: The Spy Who Hugged Me
Episode: 504- Secret Agent Super Dragon
(Joel, Crow, and Tom behind desk. Joel,
wearing print scarf and glasses, is hunkered down to the
'bots' level. They're all holding scripts.)
Crow: People, places--oh, good. Well, if you've all had
a chance to look over the script, let's start on page--
Tom: Crow, this'd
better not be another stupid 'Earth vs. Soup' type of spec
Crow: Tom, I
think you'll be pleasantly surprised. I've streamlined,
chopped, and channeled the spy-movie genre to reflect '90's
Joel: Well, you
know, Crow, that sounds really...interesting.
Crow: Thank you,
Joel. The market demands it, you know. Tom, you'll be
reading the part of Sandy Windhamhill, the
good-looking-in-an-androgynous-way super-spy, who is in
touch with his feminine side. I realize I'm asking you to
play against type, but I--
Tom: Gee, that
sounds really--stupid, Crow! I can't foil the evil forces
trying to conquer the world if I'm a dumb ol'
Joel: Wait a
minute, Servo. Let's just give it a chance. We'll just read
Crow's treatment, okay?
Crow: The Spy Who
Hugged Me. Ah, Joel, you'll be reading a couple of parts, if
you would--Sandy's love interest, Holly Affirmations, and
the bad guy, Gary Diabolique.
Tom: For God's
sake, man! I want to drink martinis in Istanbul and utter
glib bon mots in Moscow, and drive with my feet while
escaping thugs in Monte Carlo, and meet girls in
Ipanema--the kinds of things a super-secret super-spy is
*supposed* to do!
Crow: I support
your owning those feelings.
Crow: Top of page
12--Joel, you're Holly.
(falsetto) You understand, Mr. Windhamhill, that even though
we are sharing a sexual tension between us, I must kill
Um, Holly, thank you for being honest. Let me say that I
think you're a really terrific, dynamite lady, but right now
I'm in a committed relationship with--someone (can't believe
what he's reading) who's very special to me? (muttering) I
don't believe this...
Joel: Okay, Holly
pulls a gun out of her purse--I'll use my hand--and says
(falsetto) Then you understand, Mr. Windamhill. Nothing
Ah, boundaries, Holly, boundaries--(breaking character)
Crow! I'm supposed to be a man who leads a life of
Crow: Servo, the
only way around it is through it.
Crow: Okay, let's
jump ahead a few pages. Sandy has carpooled with Gary
Diabolique to the World Domination Headquarters. And Joel,
you're Gary, and you're going to shame with world with your
specially-invented anti-Bradshaw device. So, top of page 26,
Okay...(reading) Mr. Diabolique, if you have a few minutes,
I need to confront you on your shaming behavior. (breaking
character as bad guy) Oh, Mr. Big Windamhill--thinks he's
going to save the world! Well, who do you think you are,
Gary, I feel you're upset with me. I know it's not about me,
but about issues in your (again, can't believe what he's
reading)--family of origin? (breaking character) You have
got to be *kidding* me, Crow!
Joel: (still in
character as bad guy, reading) So, you think you know
everything, Mr. Namby-Pamby-Damby-Butt. Gonna cry now, huh?
Tom: (back in
character, reading) Um, I'll have to ask you to respect my
character, reading) You don't get it, do you, you stupid
moron idiot? I'm going to control how people respond to me!
*I* am going to rule the *world!*
Gary, that's really codependent. (breaking character) I
can't believe I just said "codependent"! Oh, that's it!
You've completely defiled a revered film archetype and
you've made me feel like a total baffoon! I'm out of here!
after him) Well, really, only Tom can make Tom feel like a
Tom (off-screen): Yeah, bite me! (Movie lights, buzzers,
Joel: Oh, we've
got movie sign!