Bit: How Hell Works

Episode: 506- Eegah!

Transcribed by Mela Nazelrod


(Joel is fitting Crow for a red jumpsuit; Tom is nearby serving as a pincusion.)

Crow (stuck with a pin): Ow! Jeez!
Joel: Oh, gosh, I'm sorry, pal. I've been so distracted. I just keep thinking about that slick gas station in today's movie. Did you notice how sleek and beautiful it was?
Tom (laughing): Ah, gee, Joel, can't say that I did. (under breath) Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo....
Joel: Hey, c'mon, I'm serious. There existed a time when our nation took pride in its service stations. They gleamed like a beacon of hope from coast to coast. Then, ka-blooey, Sky Chief Super Service turned into the Tank and Tummy. I don't mind telling you, the day this country went self-service was the day Hell began to bubble up and flood the earth.
Crow: Well, I hate to burst your bubble, Joel, but what about the bubonic plague? World war? Stalin?
Joel: Well, those are all big things. Hell works better when it's a lot more subtle. Here, I'll give you an example. Okay, Crow, what do you think of Adolf Hitler?
Crow: Well, I hate him, naturally.
Joel: Right. Now, what do you think of the band Styx?
Crow: Well, they had one or two decent...Oh my God, you're right!
Tom: I get it now, Joel! I'm not certain when Hell started for me, but I think it has something to do with Christopher Cross.
Joel: Yeah, well, remember the time when Charlie Weaver died, and it wasn't even in the papers?
Crow: Or when they eighty-sixed Jarts.
Tom: I think the first time Flo said, "Kiss my grits", something inside all of us whithered and died.
Crow: Using Joe Camel to sell cigarettes to kids seems like a pretty ripe slice of Hell.
Joel: I agree with that. And then there was the time Denis Leary released "No Cure For Cancer" as an album. And then the time Vicki Lawrence won a Grammy for "The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia."
Tom: I know I stand alone on this, but the day "Blansky's Beauties" got cancelled.
Crow: Yeah, you stand alone on that. Sinbad's pretty icky.
Joel: Yeah, what about the Charlene Tilton work-out video?
Tom: Joel, what chance do we have in a world that keeps presenting us with vivid images of Hell?
Joel: Well, there's personal liberty, strength of conviction, those have been known to work... Then there's the time the country rallies together to beat back Hell, like the time we as a nation said no to Yahoo Serious.
Crow: I remember that, all of us, together, drawn inexplicably to the slobbering mouth of Hell, and then suddenly, somehow, by some unknown force, rescued in the nick of time like Moses and the Israelites.
Tom: Now, who in creation is powerful enough to do that?
Crow (in a deep, Goliath voice): Gee, Davey, do you think it was God?
Joel (with pins in mouth): We'll be right back. (Hits commercial button & continues fitting Crow)
Crow (stuck again): Ah!