Bit: How Hell Works
Episode: 506- Eegah!
(Joel is fitting Crow for a red jumpsuit;
Tom is nearby serving as a pincusion.)
Crow (stuck with a pin): Ow! Jeez!
Joel: Oh, gosh,
I'm sorry, pal. I've been so distracted. I just keep
thinking about that slick gas station in today's movie. Did
you notice how sleek and beautiful it was?
Ah, gee, Joel, can't say that I did. (under breath) Cuckoo,
Joel: Hey, c'mon,
I'm serious. There existed a time when our nation took pride
in its service stations. They gleamed like a beacon of hope
from coast to coast. Then, ka-blooey, Sky Chief Super
Service turned into the Tank and Tummy. I don't mind telling
you, the day this country went self-service was the day Hell
began to bubble up and flood the earth.
Crow: Well, I
hate to burst your bubble, Joel, but what about the bubonic
plague? World war? Stalin?
Joel: Well, those
are all big things. Hell works better when it's a lot more
subtle. Here, I'll give you an example. Okay, Crow, what do
you think of Adolf Hitler?
Crow: Well, I
hate him, naturally.
Joel: Right. Now,
what do you think of the band Styx?
Crow: Well, they
had one or two decent...Oh my God, you're right!
Tom: I get it
now, Joel! I'm not certain when Hell started for me, but I
think it has something to do with Christopher Cross.
Joel: Yeah, well,
remember the time when Charlie Weaver died, and it wasn't
even in the papers?
Crow: Or when
they eighty-sixed Jarts.
Tom: I think the
first time Flo said, "Kiss my grits", something inside all
of us whithered and died.
Crow: Using Joe
Camel to sell cigarettes to kids seems like a pretty ripe
slice of Hell.
Joel: I agree
with that. And then there was the time Denis Leary released
"No Cure For Cancer" as an album. And then the time Vicki
Lawrence won a Grammy for "The Night the Lights Went Out in
Tom: I know I
stand alone on this, but the day "Blansky's Beauties" got
Crow: Yeah, you
stand alone on that. Sinbad's pretty icky.
Joel: Yeah, what
about the Charlene Tilton work-out video?
Tom: Joel, what
chance do we have in a world that keeps presenting us with
vivid images of Hell?
there's personal liberty, strength of conviction, those have
been known to work... Then there's the time the country
rallies together to beat back Hell, like the time we as a
nation said no to Yahoo Serious.
Crow: I remember
that, all of us, together, drawn inexplicably to the
slobbering mouth of Hell, and then suddenly, somehow, by
some unknown force, rescued in the nick of time like Moses
and the Israelites.
Tom: Now, who in
creation is powerful enough to do that?
Crow (in a deep,
Goliath voice): Gee, Davey, do you think it was God?
Joel (with pins
in mouth): We'll be right back. (Hits commercial button
& continues fitting Crow)
(stuck again): Ah!