Bondo Belly, Bad-News Baseball and Bizarre Boots
Episode 509: The Girl in Lover’s Lane
Transcribed Laura Fox
(Crow holds a mirror; his torso is patched with blue putty---a
container of which is on the counter---and duct tape. Joel attempts to
file the bondo on Tom’s hoverskirt.)
Tom: This was definitely a mistake, huh,
drilling holes in our
midsections. Look at that poor schmoe, hoo! Man, there but for the
grace of God go I.
Crow: Quiet! I’m contemplating my
Joel: Oh, uh, Quisp and Quake are calling...
(Dr. F. and Frank are
seated in office chairs sharing a self-consciously good-natured laugh.)
F.: Ah, ha
ha ha, that Fanny Flagg is a hoot! (Finds the monitor on; aside)
Derwood, it’s them! (They jump up from their seats. Frank
darts off screen. Dr. F. addresses the SoL.) Let’s talk
baseball. Better yet, let’s talk
baseball sponsors. Better yet, let’s just talk. (chuckles)
Ha ha ha hahhh, baseball---great American pastime. But how can we, as
evil scientists, hope to dilute or even destroy this great summertime
Frank: (returns with a monthly calendar on an
easel) Ohhhh boy! This is gonna be dark!
Our invention exchange is based roughly on the popular
baseball promotion night. You know, Hat Night, Sock Night...
Frank: Tunnel of Chili Night...
right, but we’ve made it evil and hurtful---you know, like we
like to do.
Frank: Ha ha ha ha ha... oh.
we’ve rewritten the baseball season with some unsavory
and, in some cases, downright dangerous cross-promotional give-aways.
(Zoom in on calendar, showing the dates as the Mads explain.)
Frank: For the season opener, we have
Colorless, Odorless Toxic Gas Night. (Coughs)
hm-hm! (indicates another calendar entry) This
Knothole Day special, the first ten thousand lucky kids get: slide
whistles! (Hands one to Frank as camera zooms out.)
Frank: Oh, boy! (begins playing the
whistle---annoyingly of course)
the second lucky ten thousand kids get real brass
knuckles. Then, the first ten thousand lucky kids become unlucky.
(Punches Frank with the brass knuckles; chuckles as Frank groans.)
Frank: Oho, oho... Ho! (He turns to the
calendar.) This symbol here represents the lovable, huggable San Diego
Chicken which must mean it just happens to be: Crossbow Night! Thung!!
right on! Gimme five! (He high-fives Frank with the
brass knuckles, hurting Frank’s hand.) You are righteous!
...Then, there’s the promotional tie-in. The beauty of this
concept is, is that it hurts the company supplying the product as well
as the fans themselves!
Frank: Dow Corning presents Fiberglass
Davis presents Used Syringe Night.
Frank: Tires Plus presents the Pepperming
Schnapps, Tire Iron Double Hit-ter!
that’s about as evil as it gets, don’t you think,
Joel (sarcastic): Oh, sure, sirs, that’s real evil,
is... Well, our invention exchange this week is based on some foot
fashions and some clever wordplay. Tom? (Exits.)
Tom: Thanks, Joel. Say, ever notice how the
trendy shoes Doc
Martins and the name of the popular MAD cartoonist Don Martin almost
sound the same? Well we did!
Crow: Right! And our "Take a Walk on the Wild
Side" Department has
converted the command table to a high-fashion walkway to present:
Gypsy: Doc Martins for Don Martin! Joel?
(Joel enters screen right, walking on the counter and visible
only from the knees down. He wears shiny black boots with big
goofy green pointed toes attached to them.)
Tom: Yes, yes, Don Martin, the maddest of the
MAD cartoonists, has a real flair for drawing funny footwear!
(As the others narrate, Joel lowers sound-effect signs onto the screen:
"FWAP!" "SPLORP" "SHKLITZA" "GLURKLE")
Crow: ...And Doc Martins, British shoe
importer, also has a real flair for making and selling ... funny
Gypsy: So I say combine them!
Joel (ducks into the shot): Ah, what do you think, Chester Bester
Tester? (Points, then kisses the back of his still-pointing hand.)
Frank: (Writing on the baseball calendar with a
marker) What about.... "Poopie Night"? (giggles)
(Snrk.) Your movie this week, Joel, is a little
piece of drek called "The Girl in Lover’s Lane." Poopie
Frank: Hey, come on, that’s funny!
not saying it isn’t funny----what, you’re going to
give kids poop?
Frank: Well, I---
is still standing on the command table in his funny shoes, and lowers
sound effect signs: "MOVIE" "SIGN!")
Oh, MOVIE SIGN!!! (...into