Bit:Crow IS Jack Elam
Episode 509- The Girl in Lovers' Lane
Transcribed by Laura Fox
and Servo on the bridge. Arranged on the command table are an egg, a
box of matches, a Webolos Handbook, and a bottle. Joel lights a scrap
of paper with a match, drops it into the bottle, and sets the egg on
the bottle’s mouth.)
Joel:Okay now, Tom, I
don’t want you doing this on your own, okay?
egg-zactly what’s gonna happen again?
happens is the fire burns up all the oxygen in the bottle and creates a
Tom:Ohhh, then the
egg gets sucked down into the bottle, cool!
(Crow enters as Jack Elam; his net is gone, replaced by chopped-off
clustered plugs of dark hair. He carries a box of random groceries,
wears a shirt and a taupe jacket, and of course has a lazy eye. He
speaks in an affected voice which actually sounds more like Solomon
Grundy than Jack Elam.)
I’m Jack Elam. Ugggggh. (Joel and Tom are poring over the
book and take no notice of him.)
Joel:It says here in
the Webolos Handbook that it should take about two or three minutes...
(Slowly looks up and notices Crow.) Oh, look, it’s Jack Elam.
Tom:"Place egg on top
of " ...Oh, hi, nice Jack Elam costume, Crow.
into bottle..." Huh. So, has it done it yet?
hard into Joel): Here are the goods you ordered, ugggggh.
don’t---Don’t bump the desk! The egg!
don’t talk to me, I only wanna deal with Gypsy. She around?
Joel(annoyed): Uh, Crow, we get that
you’re dressed like Jack Elam, okay??
voice): Not just "dressed like",
AM Elam! AM Jack Elam! (character voice again;) To live like the
Tom:Uh, no, I guess
from here on): Look, look, lookit me, lookit me a sec, look,
look, look, look, I’ll do that bouncy thing he does. (Bounces
neurotically up and down.) Mnnngh, mnnngh, mnannngh.... (Joel is
unamused. Servo sighs.)
Crow:You guys are a
tough crowd! I worked a long time on this!
Joel(coldly): It’s great,
Crow, you really look like ‘im.(Crow sighs.)
Tom:Yeah, Crow, but
maybe you look a little too much like Jack Elam!
Crow:Yeah well maybe I
do, Servo, what’s wrong with that, huh!? Jack Elam was a
brilliant character actor! For all I know he still is. And---and you
know what, I’ve never been as Jack Elam as I am at this
moment! I am Jack Elam! And I don’t need your pity!
Tom:Yes you do.
Crow:What are you
saying, that I’m a total failure?
saying that you’re a total failure, AND you look like Jack
Elam! (laughs)(Light starts flashing.)
Crow:(walks away from
the command table in a huff) Grrr, you guys don’t appreciate
we’ve got Commercial Sign and we’ve gotta get a new
egg, all right... (takes the egg from the bottle and taps the button)
Pardon me, Crow, excuse me...
(Joel and Servo exit screen left, passing close on either side of Crow,
who loses his balance.)
Uwaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! (crashes to the floor with his groceries.
Pitifully) ...I’m not Jack Elam anymore...!