Bit:Crow IS Jack Elam

Episode 509- The Girl in Lovers' Lane

Transcribed by Laura Fox


(Joel and Servo on the bridge. Arranged on the command table are an egg, a box of matches, a Webolos Handbook, and a bottle. Joel lights a scrap of paper with a match, drops it into the bottle, and sets the egg on the bottle’s mouth.)
Joel:Okay now, Tom, I don’t want you doing this on your own, okay?
Tom:Okay. Now, egg-zactly what’s gonna happen again?
Joel:Well, what happens is the fire burns up all the oxygen in the bottle and creates a vacuum...
Tom:Ohhh, then the egg gets sucked down into the bottle, cool!
(Crow enters as Jack Elam; his net is gone, replaced by chopped-off clustered plugs of dark hair. He carries a box of random groceries, wears a shirt and a taupe jacket, and of course has a lazy eye. He speaks in an affected voice which actually sounds more like Solomon Grundy than Jack Elam.)
Crow:Ugh. I’m Jack Elam. Ugggggh. (Joel and Tom are poring over the book and take no notice of him.)
Joel:It says here in the Webolos Handbook that it should take about two or three minutes... (Slowly looks up and notices Crow.) Oh, look, it’s Jack Elam.
Tom:"Place egg on top of " ...Oh, hi, nice Jack Elam costume, Crow.
Tom:..."will slip into bottle..." Huh. So, has it done it yet?
Joel:Uh, no.
Crow (shouldering hard into Joel): Here are the goods you ordered, ugggggh.
Tom:No no don’t---Don’t bump the desk! The egg!
Crow:Ugh, don’t talk to me, I only wanna deal with Gypsy. She around?
Joel(annoyed): Uh, Crow, we get that you’re dressed like Jack Elam, okay??
Crow(resumes normal voice): Not just "dressed like", AM Elam! AM Jack Elam! (character voice again;) To live like the E-lam---
Joel:It is??
Tom:Uh, no, I guess not...
Crow(normal voice from here on): Look, look, lookit me, lookit me a sec, look, look, look, look, I’ll do that bouncy thing he does. (Bounces neurotically up and down.) Mnnngh, mnnngh, mnannngh.... (Joel is unamused. Servo sighs.)
Crow:You guys are a tough crowd! I worked a long time on this!
Joel(coldly): It’s great, Crow, you really look like ‘im.(Crow sighs.)
Tom:Yeah, Crow, but maybe you look a little too much like Jack Elam!
Crow:Yeah well maybe I do, Servo, what’s wrong with that, huh!? Jack Elam was a brilliant character actor! For all I know he still is. And---and you know what, I’ve never been as Jack Elam as I am at this moment! I am Jack Elam! And I don’t need your pity!
Tom:Yes you do.
Crow:What are you saying, that I’m a total failure?
Tom:No, I’m saying that you’re a total failure, AND you look like Jack Elam! (laughs)(Light starts flashing.)
Crow:(walks away from the command table in a huff) Grrr, you guys don’t appreciate me...
Joel:Come on, we’ve got Commercial Sign and we’ve gotta get a new egg, all right... (takes the egg from the bottle and taps the button)
Tom:Okay, okay. Pardon me, Crow, excuse me...
(Joel and Servo exit screen left, passing close on either side of Crow, who loses his balance.)
Crow:Whoa, huhoa! Uwaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! (crashes to the floor with his groceries. Pitifully) ...I’m not Jack Elam anymore...!

(commercial sign)