Bit: A Different Ending

Episode 509- The Girl in Lovers' Lane

Transcribed by Laura Fox


(Joel has letters, but Crow and Servo are glowering.)
Crow:Joel, Tom and I have been horribly scarred by the way this movie ended, and that means we’re filled with rage!!!
Both: Rrrrr!!! RRRRR!!!
Joel(with a chuckle): Whoa, back off you guys---you know, you can write a different ending if you want.
Both: ---Rrr??
Joel:Yeah, it’s just fiction, I mean you don’t have to accept the ending they hand you.
Tom:Wow! Oh, okay, um um, oh, ho, just a minor change: what would happen if the nice restaurant woman lived!?
Crow:You think it even occurred to her?
Tom:And instead, Jack Elam is, uh...
Tom:Right! And then Big Stupid and Danny get a grant and they renovate the cafe---a real Chili’s feel without all the Chili’s crap. You know, a fun place for a birthday, Joel: free hats, prize buckets, you know, hoopty-doody...
Crow:How’s this? Jack Elam is kidnapped by aliens.
Tom:Mean aliens
Crow:Sure, mean aliens! Then Big Stupid and his little pal leave that town ‘cuz they’re driftwood, and then the Apocalypse happens, and dinosaurs roam the land, and they capture dinosaurs and they tame them, and they ride ‘em like horses, and we see the bond between man and lizard, et cetera, et cetera....
Joel(picking up and straightening the stack of letters): Uh, uhh, Crow, aren’t you getting a little bit away from the movie?
Crow:Bear with me. Then, there are pygmies!
Tom:Oh yeah!
Crow:Yeah, who live in a vast pygmy kingdom...
(As Joel settles in to read the viewer mail, Crow and Servo huddle behind him, excitedly whispering about their story ideas. For the remainder of the scene he reads snatches of letters while they’re in their huddle, as they constantly pop out to share their ideas.)
Joel:Okay, let’s read a couple of letters here, okay, this one’s from Steve Boinko of Uniontown, Ohio... (holds up letter)
Tom:Oh oh-oh-oh oh, the pygmies have lain hidden throughout the aeons, and they are wise and they disdain you with your stinking machines!
(The Bots make disgusted noises and huddle again. Cambot puts the letter on StillStore)
Joel:Okay, aaand he says, ah, "My sister thinks Servo is so cute. What is Gypsy’s last name?" and...
Tom:Oh, oh, I got it: the pygmies are poison if you touch ‘em---so don’t touch ‘em!! Yeah!
Crow:That would be a mistake!
(They huddle with whispers of "Right!" "Yeah!")
Joel:Okay, and "For the invention exchange, you should have a Garbage Disposal Trash Can." So that’s from...
Crow:---Ah, and-and they can tell when you’re thinkin’ bad thoughts about ‘em! So don’t even think about ‘em.
Tom(whispers): See ‘cuz if you think about . . .
Joel:Okay, and this one is from Susie Belt of Rochester, New York. (Holds up letter with crayon drawing) She sent a picture; put that on Sti---
Tom:OH oh oh oh OH OH OH! OH! OH! OH!
Joel:Okay, okay, what?
Tom:Then YOU fall in love with a pygmy!
Tom:Yeah, yeah, I love that ‘cuz . . .
(Huddle; Cambot puts Susie’s picture on StillStore)
Joel:...And she writes, "I liked the time when you sang ‘Master Ninja Theme Song’"--- (Hey, who didn’t?)
Tom:---And-and the moral, you see, is "Never Love a Pygmy." See?
Crow:Because... They’re immortals. And they can fly. And you can’t fly!
Tom(whispering): So you see your heart’s naturally to be broken. . .
Joel:...And then she writes, "I like your show so much I give it 100 plus 100 equals 200."...
Tom:Ok’ya, see what happens is the pygmies get a bus and they drive all the way to Hollywood! ...
Crow:... Florida!
Tom:Florida yeah, ‘cuz they’re coming from Hollywood . . .
Joel(smiles despite himself): And, uh, this is from Rebecca of Appleton, Wisconsin, (holds up another letter) and she writes, uh, "Dear Joel, Gypsy, Tom---"
Tom:Peter Lawford and Peter Lorre were with---were in this film with them in Hollywood, and then their heads started exploding when they went across the desert and were headed towards Florida, becau--- Wait, we gotta work on this . . .
(Huddle; letter on StillStore. Behind Joel Crow and Servo are chattering louder than ever---something about "Pete, Re-Pete" "I like that; I like that" etc.)
Joel:And uh, "How come Crow always gets ‘time outs’ for being sassy? I think Joel---"
Tom:---Peter Lawford and Peter Lorre can be called "Pete and Re-Pete"! That would be---’cuz it’s all . . .
Joel:And, ah, for... "Joel is a little hard on him. Anyway, I think Joel should get a time-out for once. What do you think?" (shrugs)
(The Bots emerge one last time.)
Tom:---And then they head for the stars. And then you learn some kind of lesson. And then you go home.
Crow:Now that’s a better ending!
Tom:Mm hmm!
Joel:Ah, what do you think, sirs?

[Deep 13]

(Dr. F. seems vexed, but Frank strokes his chin.)
Dr. F.:No, Frank. No more alternate endings.
Frank:No wait, hear me out on this. Now I envision Big Stupid as pure energy...
Dr. F.:Pure energy?
Frank:Yes, but...
Dr. F.:I’m fascinated, Frank. Step this way? (Leads Frank away from the camera)
Frank:He’s plucky pure energy.
Dr. F.:Plucky pure energy? Good...
Frank:Pure energy with a heart...
Dr. F.:Have a seat, lay down there and, ah, if you would hold this railroad spike on your skull...
Frank:Sure... (He lays on the floor; only his feet are visible behind the Techtronic Panel. Dr. F. hands him a railroad spike.)
Frank:Now I envision a moment of truth... (Dr. F. retrieves a sledge hammer and hefts it on his shoulder.) Now there could be lots of adventurous scenes in... in front...
Dr. F.:Here’s a moment of truth! (Swings the sledge hammer and hits the spike with aclang.)
Frank(in pain): Ohohoho!! (Dr. F. turns to the monitor but is cut short.) I also see a role for Charles Durning in this. There could be--- (Dr. F. delivers another blow.) (in pain) Ohhohohoho...!
Dr. F.(to the monitor): ‘Til next time, Joel...
Frank:Then there could be another scene---(Dr. F. hits the railroad spike again. As Frank groans, he hits the Techtronic Panel with the sledge and the signal cuts out. Roll credits.)