Bit: A Different Ending
Episode 509- The Girl in Lovers' Lane
Transcribed by Laura Fox
has letters, but Crow and Servo are glowering.)
Crow:Joel, Tom and I
have been horribly scarred by the way this movie ended, and that means
we’re filled with rage!!!
Joel(with a chuckle): Whoa, back off you
guys---you know, you can write a different ending if you want.
it’s just fiction, I mean you don’t have to accept
the ending they hand you.
Tom:Wow! Oh, okay, um
um, oh, ho, just a minor change: what would happen if the nice
restaurant woman lived!?
Crow:You think it even
occurred to her?
Tom:And instead, Jack
Elam is, uh...
And then Big Stupid and Danny get a grant and they renovate the
cafe---a real Chili’s feel without all the Chili’s
You know, a fun place for a birthday, Joel: free hats, prize buckets,
you know, hoopty-doody...
this? Jack Elam is kidnapped by aliens.
mean aliens! Then Big Stupid and his little pal leave that town
‘cuz they’re driftwood, and then the Apocalypse
and dinosaurs roam the land, and they capture dinosaurs and they tame
them, and they ride ‘em like horses, and we see the bond
man and lizard, et cetera, et cetera....
Joel(picking up and
straightening the stack of letters): Uh, uhh, Crow,
aren’t you getting a little bit away from the movie?
Crow:Bear with me.
Then, there are pygmies!
Crow:Yeah, who live in
a vast pygmy kingdom...
(As Joel settles in to read the viewer mail, Crow and Servo huddle
behind him, excitedly whispering about their story ideas. For the
remainder of the scene he reads snatches of letters while
in their huddle, as they constantly pop out to share their ideas.)
let’s read a couple of letters here, okay, this
Steve Boinko of Uniontown, Ohio... (holds up letter)
oh-oh-oh oh, the pygmies have lain hidden throughout the aeons, and
they are wise and they disdain you with your stinking machines!
(The Bots make disgusted noises and huddle again. Cambot puts the
letter on StillStore)
Joel:Okay, aaand he
says, ah, "My sister thinks Servo is so cute. What is Gypsy’s
last name?" and...
Tom:Oh, oh, I got it:
the pygmies are poison if you touch ‘em---so don’t
touch ‘em!! Yeah!
Crow:That would be a
(They huddle with whispers of "Right!" "Yeah!")
Joel:Okay, and "For
the invention exchange, you should have a Garbage Disposal Trash Can."
So that’s from...
and-and they can tell when you’re thinkin’ bad
about ‘em! So don’t even think about ‘em.
Tom(whispers): See ‘cuz if you
think about . . .
and this one is from Susie Belt of Rochester, New York. (Holds up
letter with crayon drawing) She sent a picture; put that on Sti---
Tom:OH oh oh oh OH OH
OH! OH! OH! OH!
Joel:Okay, okay, what?
Tom:Then YOU fall in
love with a pygmy!
Tom:Yeah, yeah, I
love that ‘cuz . . .
(Huddle; Cambot puts Susie’s picture on StillStore)
writes, "I liked the time when you sang ‘Master Ninja Theme
Song’"--- (Hey, who didn’t?)
moral, you see, is "Never Love a Pygmy." See?
They’re immortals. And they can fly. And you can’t
Tom(whispering): So you see your
heart’s naturally to be broken. . .
Joel:...And then she
writes, "I like your show so much I give it 100 plus 100 equals 200."...
see what happens is the pygmies get a bus and they drive all the way to
‘cuz they’re coming from Hollywood . . .
himself): And, uh, this is from
Rebecca of Appleton, Wisconsin, (holds up another letter) and she
writes, uh, "Dear Joel, Gypsy, Tom---"
Lawford and Peter Lorre were with---were in this film with them in
Hollywood, and then their heads started exploding when they went across
the desert and were headed towards Florida, becau--- Wait, we gotta
work on this . . .
(Huddle; letter on StillStore. Behind Joel Crow and Servo are
chattering louder than ever---something about "Pete, Re-Pete" "I like
that; I like that" etc.)
Joel:And uh, "How come
Crow always gets ‘time outs’ for being sassy? I
and Peter Lorre can be called "Pete and Re-Pete"! That would
be---’cuz it’s all . . .
ah, for... "Joel is a little hard on him. Anyway, I think Joel should
get a time-out for once. What do you think?" (shrugs)
(The Bots emerge one last time.)
Tom:---And then they
head for the stars. And then you learn some kind of lesson. And then
you go home.
that’s a better ending!
Joel:Ah, what do you
F. seems vexed, but Frank strokes his chin.)
Frank. No more alternate endings.
Frank:No wait, hear me
out on this. Now I envision Big Stupid as pure energy...
fascinated, Frank. Step this way? (Leads Frank away from the camera)
plucky pure energy.
pure energy? Good...
Frank:Pure energy with
a seat, lay down there and, ah, if you would hold this railroad spike
on your skull...
Frank:Sure... (He lays
on the floor; only his feet are visible behind the Techtronic Panel.
Dr. F. hands him a railroad spike.)
I envision a moment of truth... (Dr. F. retrieves a sledge hammer and
hefts it on his shoulder.) Now there could be lots of adventurous
scenes in... in front...
a moment of truth! (Swings the sledge hammer and hits the spike with
Ohohoho!! (Dr. F. turns to the monitor but is cut short.) I also see a
role for Charles Durning in this. There could be--- (Dr. F. delivers
another blow.) (in pain) Ohhohohoho...!
the monitor): ‘Til next time, Joel...
there could be another scene---(Dr. F. hits the railroad spike again.
As Frank groans, he hits the Techtronic Panel with the sledge and the
signal cuts out. Roll credits.)