Bit: Love Letters/Mads as Invention
Episode 518: The Atomic Brain
Transcribed by Michelle Alvarez
(Crow and Servo each stand at a podium. Crow is wearing a gray sweater tied around his shoulders while Tom wears a brunette wig and pink bow around his neck. Mike holds a pink beret and scarf.)
Mike: Hi, everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike, and you're just in time for the final dress and tech rehearsal for "Love Letters," starring Crow T. Robot--
Mike: --and Tom Servo.
Crow: You know, "Love Letters" is a lot like "Same Time, Next Year," only you don't have to remember any lines. (Tom laughs.)
Mike: (donning hat and scarf): Ready guys?
Tom: Yes. Ready.
Mike: And......anytime. ("house lights" dim as Mike exits, stage left, even. As Crow reads his lines, Tom mouths what he is saying, and it only gets more noticeable. As the sketch goes on, Crow begins to do the same thing.)
Crow: Dear Melissa, hi. How are you? I am fine. Remember when we met at college last year and fell in love? Sincerely, Andrew.
Tom: Dear Andrew, I read your letter today and was overcome with love for you. By the way, I have married Stephen, but we'll probably grow apart. More later, Melissa.
Crow: Dear Melissa, that's okay, I got married, too. But I totally love you. Andrew.
Tom: Dear Andrew, I'm having Stephen's baby, but I wanted to let you know that it's *you* that I love. Take care, Melissa.
Crow: Dear Melissa, I turn middle age this week. I'm a rich WASP and I love you. All my best, Andrew.
Tom: Dear Andrew, I'm a grandmother now. Stephen and I have grown apart--go figure. I do so love you. Stay well, Melissa.
Crow: Dear Melissa, my children have reproduced also. Our love endures through the years, huh? Boy, do I love you. Regards, Andrew. (lighting goes up)
Tom: Thank you. Thankyouverymuch.
Mike: (enters clapping) That was...(throws scarf around neck)...fantastic. Bravo and brava. I saw Stephanie Zimbalist Jr. and Chris Lemmon do that and they did not do it justice compared to you two gentlemen.
Crow: Well, Servo there was setting the lines...
Tom: It was Crow.... (Tom and Crow toss compliments at each other.)
Mike: Well, theater is a group thing, and you were able to hold moment, moments, moment-by-moment is what theater is all about...(All engage in mutual bootlicking as the planet spins.)
(Mike, still in beret, is giving Crow a shoulder massage. Tom still wears the wig and bow.)
Mike: Mm. You know, Servo, Crow, I'm not just a friend, I'm a fan.
Tom: Oh, hey, Ruth Gordon and Garson Kanin are calling.
Mike: Oh! (slaps light)
Crow: (whispering) Don't stop touching me!
Dr. F: (popping up) Uh, we're not ready. You go first.
Mike: Hey, no problem. Our invention is...YOU!
(Crow is in a green lab coat, with a moustache and green-rimmed glasses. Tom sports a black jacket and a white curl at the top of his dome.)
Crow: I'm Dr. Clayton Forrester.
Tom: And *I'm* TV's Frank.
Mike: See? (snickering all around)
(Frank is in the background with a permanent "HUH?" on his face.)
Dr. F: Cute, but I don't quite understand the--
Crow: I'm Dr. Clayton Forrester, the one with the weak chin. I'm going to hit TV's Frank because of my deep resentment at my own limitations. (snickers while Tom talks)
Tom: I'm TV's Frank and I'm going to take it 'cuz I have NO self-confidence! Ow! Ow! OW!! (outright laughter)
Mike: Huh? Huh?!
Frank: (coming from behind to feel Dr. F's chin) Well, you do have kind of a weak chin...
Dr. F: (slaps Frank's hand away): Forget the chin, Frank! Don't you see what's happening? We're losing their respect! (Frank, realizing, straightens up.) It's all on the line here, man. (Grabs Frank's shoulders) We've got to do something, and fast!!
Mike: Hey, we're just funnin' ya!
Crow: Shall I hit you again, TV's Frank?
Tom: Oh, please do! Ow! OW! Not so HAWD! (more laughter)
Dr. F:: All right, Frank, let 'em have it.
(Frank wears a plastic dome over his head and has large white gloves on.)
Frank: I'm Tom Servo, and I'm a cute little guy with a round head. Hahahahaha! And I've got these little adorable arms! Haha! (Dr. F comes on with round eyeglasses over his green ones. He sports a strap on pin beak.)
Dr. F: (pointing): And I'm Crow T. Robot, and I'm gold and I'm trapped in space! What a stupid color gold is! Oh hohoho! (Frank, running out of air, begins to claw at the dome. Dr. F pushes up the glasses and pulls the beak down over his chin.) Well, I trust you can see that two can play at that game, Nilsson. (Frank is jumping up and down, trying to pull off the fogged up dome.) Anyway, your movie this week is called "The Atomic Brain". Plus, there's a short about the golden age of juvenile delinquency. (Turns to see Frank flailing about.) Oh, Frank, that's very good! You've almost got Tom down. Keep flapping those arms. (Frank passes out.) You keep practicing, I'll get the button.
Crow: I'm Dr. Clayton Forrester, and I've got my head stuck WAAAY-- (lights and klaxons)
Tom: Ohhh! Movie SIGN!!! I'll harm you!!