Bit: The Tom Star Show

Episode: 609- The Skydivers

Transcribed by Robert Hutchinson


(Mike and Crow are in front of the desk, facing the door)

Mike (over his shoulder to Cambot): Hi, everyone. Mike Nelson here, on the Satellite of Love, with my buddy Crow. You're just in time to see Tom Servo's planetarium show!

Crow: What luck! (Tom, painted black with white spots on his dome, rises slowly from behind the desk, singing the opening notes of "2001: A Space Odyssey")

Tom: ... daaaaa ... BA-DAAAAAA!!! Welcome, space travelers, to the Tom Star Show! Let's all hop on board the Galaxy shuttle, and take a trip through our nation's solar system! We'll be traveling at about the speed of light--yes, well over 500 miles an hour! So, ha ha, fasten your seat belts ... first stop, the planet Mars!

Crow: Take me to ... Uranus!

Tom: Uh, uh, Mars, the brightest star in our galaxy--

Crow: Hey, let's probe ... Uranus!

Tom (irritated): Patience, space traveler! We'll visit ALL the planets--

Crow: What, are you ashamed of ... Uranus?

Tom: Crow! Geez ... I'm trying to do a show here ...(Mike whispers to Crow)

Crow: Uh, excuse me. I have some questions about ... Uranus!

Tom: Let's save our questions for the appropriate question-and-answer--

Crow: Uh, Uranus is big and gassy, isn't it? (Mike and Crow laugh)

Tom: Shut up! But ours is not the only planetary system--

Crow: Servo? We have to get to Uranus, and wipe out the Klingons!

Tom: Shut up! Just shut up! Just shut ... geez! (Tom runs off; Mike and Crow continue to laugh)

Mike: We'll be right back!

Crow: Haha ... heh ... where'd he go?


(Mike, Crow, and Tom stand behind the desk. Tom is his normal color.)

Tom: ...then he just wouldn't let up! I mean, how many jokes about YOUR-unus can a guy make before they just aren't funny?

Mike: Hey, I know! Those kind of jokes are never funny! (Mike takes a sip of soda)

Crow: You know, Servo, I've seen satellite pictures of ...Uranus! (Tom storms off; Mike's soda comes out of his nose while laughing) Ooh ... a noser!