Bit: The Edge of the Universe

Episode 706- Laserblast

Transcribed by Joe Raygor


(Tom and Crow are on the bridge, looking off camera)

Tom: Mmmmm... (quietly) see that?

Mike: Wow... here we are at the edge of the universe!

Tom: Not quite Mike, just a bit little more to go here...

Mike: Oh, yeah, you're right... (There is a thud and the ship shakes, as if it has gently hit something. ) Ah, there. The edge of the universe!

Tom: Yep, and I tell ya Mike, it's everything I could of hoped for... for example, all knowledge is clear to me now. (A heavenly hum is starting to go off in the background)

Mike: Yeah, and you know, and all wisdom and beauty fill me with an abundant light and all eternal truths of the cosmos are available with a minimum of effort!

Tom: Yeah... (sudden excitement) Oh, hey there's God!!! (Then, calmly) Ah, maybe not...

Mike: Ah...

Crow: (enters, holding a sandwich) Hey guys, what's up?

Mike: (Calmly) Oh, were just at the edge of the universe.

Crow: Oh-ho, so that's it! No wonder I've suddenly become aware that I can leave my corporeal body and become pure energy, or pure though, or peason, or pure any-number-of-things! Here. lets see... (Starts to strain hard and suddenly transforms into a yellow ball of light. dropping his sandwich. Mike and Tom react with amazement and the heavenly hum gets louder.)

Tom: Wow! Cool! Lets do it, Mike! (Tom strains and spins his body around and is suddenly transformed into a red ball of light.)

Pure Energy Tom: (Relived) Ahhhhhhh.........

Pure Energy Crow: Just let it happen, Mike!

Mike: Okay, Got ya. (Mike quietly strains and is suddenly transformed into a green ball of light. All react in amazement.)

Pure Energy Tom: Yeah... neat...

Pure Energy Mike: Wow... Servo, what are you?

Pure Energy Tom: I think I'm Pure Energy!

Pure Energy Crow: Hey, I'm Pure Energy!

Pure Energy Tom: Ah, you're nothing but Pure Canolia Oil, you!

Pure Energy Crow: Ah, yeah. Mr. Pure Country... Mr. Pure Gin... Pure Chewing Satisfaction... (The bickering is interrupted by Mike)

Pure Energy Mike: Hey, hey, hey guys, c'mon, c'mon spread out now, c'mon, all that matters is were pure and eternal!

Pure Energy Tom: Yeah...

(Gypsy enters)

Gypsy: Uh, hello? (Gypsy reacts in shock at what M&TB have become.)

Pure Energy Mike: Oh, hey, Gypsy! (All giggle and laugh.) Why don't ya drop your corporeal being and become Pure Love or something and then we'll all go play at the edge of the universe!

Pure Energy Tom: Yeaaa!!

Gypsy: Oh, I don't know...

Pure Energy Tom: Oh, c'mom, Gypsy, it's really fun! Don't be afraid ... (M&TB say various inaudible things to convince Gypsy.)

Gypsy: I'm not sure, it's just that... oh ... oh... oh, my stars! (Gypsy, apparently against her will, is suddenly transformed into a purple ball of light.)

Pure Energy Mike: There we go! (Crow and Servo react with laughter.)

Pure Energy Tom: I hope I'm ready for this. I may only be 99 and 44/100% pure!

Pure Energy Mike: We'll, that's probably good enough!

Pure Energy Tom: Yeahhh!!! (All laugh)

Pure Energy Mike: Oh hey, uh, Cambot, Magic Voice, join us!

Pure Energy Gypsy: Yeah, c'mon!

(Servo chuckles as they all leave the ship. Two more "pure energy" sound effects happen and two more balls of light follow them out through the hull of the ship.)

[Exterior of SOL]

Pure Energy Crow: Who-hoo. Hey, it's great out here ... (Various inaudible sounds of excitement are heard.)

Pure Energy Tom: Yeah, c'mon (inaudible) Pure Energy!

Pure Energy Crow: Woohhhh!!! (Their voices fade.)

[Deep 13]

(Heavy breathing can be heard, as it might sound from inside a space helmet. The visual is a close-up of Dr. F's eye. Shot then pulls back, then cuts to behind Dr. F's back, and he is now wearing a robe, has more grayer hair and is sitting down at a table, hunkered down at some sort of dish. He stops, pauses, then he gets out of his chair to look closely at something while chewing, then he sits back down. Cut to the front of the table. Dr. F sips a glass of wine, pauses, suddenly knocks the glass of wine over and looks at himself in a ceramic cup nearby. A warbling wail of many voices grows in background. Dr. F. seems to see something surprising.

Cut to a much older ,white-haired Dr F. laying on his deathbed. He starts to reach out towards something. Cut to a shot beside the bed. He is reaching out to a giant videotape, like a monolith, standing at the foot of his bed. The label on the tape reads "THE WORST MOVIE EVER MADE".

Cut to a shot of a tiny infant surrounded by a green circle of light. Pearl enters and the wailing reaches a crecendo and then stops.)

Pearl: (Gasp) Another chance to do it right! (Takes the baby and holds it to her face, she gasps again) Isn't this a wonderful baby? (Looks at the camera)

Infant (Dr. F's adult voice) Ohhh, poopie!

(Fade into white.)