Bit: Mike the Doll/The Mad Goth Arrives

Episode: 818- Devil Doll

Transcribed by Dave Evans


(Mike is asleep in a cage. He has been made up and dressed like Hugo the ventriloquist's dummy. Cambot pans back to show Crow is dressed as 'The Great Vorelli', in a suit and ridiculous beard.)
Crow: (as GV) Oh you're an ugly little dummy aren't you Miko? An ugly, smelly, horrible, little dummy, who will never have ham, certainly not unless he gets it himself. A dummy who will never drink wine. Yes a horrible, smelly, ugly -
Mike: (waking up) Crow...
Crow: (as GV) - stupid, ridiculous..
Mike: Crow, what's going on? W-why am I in cage!? W-why am I dressed as Hugo?
Crow: (as GV) Not only can't you have ham, you can't have any luncheon meats. Not bologna, or ferrenja, not even carto salami. Why? Because luncheon meats make the sawdust in your stomach *explode*!
Mike: Crow!
Crow: (normal voice, indignant) Huh? WHAT!? What?
Mike: (angry) Now this is really too much! I fall asleep, so you build a cage around me and, and then you dress me up as Hugo the Devil Doll and you whisper odd irrelevant taunts at me..
Crow: What?
Mike: ...too much.
Crow: (indignant) What is wrong with that? Mike, I feel like I can't do *anything* today and you are *all* over me

(Toaster Strudel Tom Enters, wearing fishnet stockings)

Tom: (humming) Well, now that my soul's in this toaster strudel *and* I've got these kiler gams I'm ready to be your leggy assistant.
Crow: RRRrrrrr
Mike: Oh no no, look at this! Look!
Crow: *WHAT?* Boy Mike, you know what is wrong with that? You can't be serious..
Mike: Apearlo, take me away...
Crow : You know -
Tom: - Ridiculous (walks off)
Crow: It is your problem at this point Nelson, not mine. Good Luck!
Mike: I'm gonna be physically ill

[Roman Times]

(Apearlo and Brainguyus are in a spectator box with Callipygeas and Flavia and assorted Romans. Brainguyus is asleep.)
Pearl: Eeeuw, like you got any right to bellyache Smellson. I gotta watch some idiot Mad Goth get eaten by a lion *and* put up with this Etruscan windbag here.
Callipygeas: (clears throat) Citizens - as you may notice, I'm wearing pants! Thanks to the gods. (laughs) I'd like to thank you all for coming to lesser god day here at the colliseum. Now, before our Mad Goth doth his enemies vanquish, I think it both meat and right that we recognise a few faces in the crowd - Vulcan, thank you for gracing us with your presence. (laughs) Vulcan! Vulcan. And why don't you stand up Bacchus? Bacchus - the god of wine (cheers from crowd). And now some new faces to the lesser gd crowd. I bring you Apearlo, the goddess of...(whispers to Pearl) What are you goddess of?
Pearl: I'm the goddess of quit yapping and get on with it.
Callipygeas: The..the Goddess of Brevity. Apearlo! And Brainguyus, the god of (wakes Observer up) What are you god of?
Observer: (sleepily) what?
Callipygeas: What are you god of?
Observer: What? What god?
Callipygeas: God of what?
Observer: What?
Callipygeas: God of what? God.
Observer: (dismissively) Oh, I don't know. Just use your imagination.
Callipygeas: The God. Brainguyus the God! And now release the lions and bring on our beloved Mad Goth!

(Fanfare, noise of fighting and lion roaring. The Mad Goth can just be heard taunting the lion)

Mad Goth: You want some?...Huh yellow huh....oh actually you are...Oh yeah..
Observer: Th..those glasses...
Pearl: That smell....
Observer: That red butt...
Pearl and Observer: It's Bobo !!!