Bit: All (but one) of the bits from The Deadly Bees

Episode: 905- The Deadly Bees

Transcribed by

Segment 1


(The bridge is decked out like a hospital, with Tom on the desk and Mike as a surgeon.)

Magic Voice: Previously, On the Sateellite of Love.
Crow: His BP is droppin' fast!
Gypsy: We're losing him!
Mike: (With defibrilators) Like hell we are... CLEAR! (Zaps Tom) C'mon! Live! C'mon! Live!

(Cut to a different scene, with Mike and Gypsy at a table having dinner. Mike is dressed in a tuxedo, Gypsy has rediculously red lips.)

Mike: More broccoli?
Gypsy: It isn't broccoli I want... It's... You! (Mike drops the broccoli and sweeps the food off the table, grabbing Gypsy in a passionate kiss. Her light flashes.)

(Cut to Mike, in a dissheveled suit, smoking a cigarette, Being berated by Crow and Tom, wearing dress shirts with loose ties. Tom holds a chicken puppet.)

Tom: Yeah, look at me. You know what I think? I think you KNEW that chicken puppet was stuffed with explosives! Didn't you?! Didn't you?!
Mike: No!
Crow: Come on, answer the question you skell!
Mike: No!
Tom: Stop lying!

(Cut to another scene on the bridge of the SOL, this time with a blue bowl filled with gold liquid and Tom standing next to it. As we watch, a melting Crow's head rises out of the bowl.)

Tom: Crow! Come on, you're gonna make it buddy! Come on!
Crow: Unnh... No... the sauce.. too rich... It's too thick.
Tom: Oh no!
Crow: Save yourself!
Tom: Crow! Take my hand!

(Cut to a wide shot of the bridge, where Mike is standing in a suit and trenchcoat, pointing a gun at something offscreen. Lighting is nice and dramatic.)

Mike: Don't make me shoot you! CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!
Magic Voice: And now, tonight's episode.

(Commercial break.)

Segment 2


(Tom has his hands and arms wrapped around Mike's neck.)

Tom: You'll pay with your miserable life! Muahahaha!
Mike: Uh, Tom, we're back in the regular world now.
Tom: How could you sleep with Amanda?! Wait.. What? Oh, heheheheh...
Mike: I better check on what's going on in the castle.
Tom: Oh, sure.
Mike: Could you stop choking me?
Tom: Uh, I can't.

[Castle Forrester]

(Brain Guy and Bobo are watching TV and eating chili dogs.)

Observer: (in the middle of expounding on something) I mean, a hot dog, sure, a hot dog is one thing, but to then place Chili INSIDE the hot dog...
Bobo: A TUNNEL of chili!
Observer: Indeed it is! Where do they come up with ingenious things like this?
Bobo: That stuff is way beyond you and me, my friend.
Observer: I think so.
Bobo: Well, I'm gonna go make us another batch!
Observer: Good idea. Hurry back, Bobo, there's a great fight on Jerry Springer.

(Pop! The other two Observers appear behind Brain Guy.)

Observer: (Stunned) Observer! Observer!
Observer 1: Oh, it's all too clear, isn't it? We've been knocking ourselves out reconstituting our exploded planet, searching the entire universe for you, Observer, and then to find you here like this.
Observer 2: Living like some gross, smelly animal thing!
Observer 1: Oh, Observer...
Observer: But I didn't even know you were still alive! I mean, I'm still all-powerful and omniscient and know all things, but how was I to know, really?
Bobo: (Returning) I made more chilidogs! (sees Observers) Hey... Who are you? Ah! I know who you are! You're the really white OTHER guys who had their brains in pans, too, only you're the MEAN ones! I'm going to tell the Lawgiver! LAWGIVER!!!
Observer 1: Well, Observer, it would be nice to have you with us as we made our civilization the greatest in the cosmos, but are you really even Observer anymore, Observer?
Observer: I still have my powers, if that's what you mean! Watch, watch, watch... Remember that brute who blew up our planet? I will blight him with something so horrible... just watch this!

(Crow and Tom gasp as a necktie suddenly appears on Mike.)

Mike: Oh! Well, uh.. Well, hey, thanks, Brain Guy. Ooh, it's quite nice, actually...
Crow: Yeah.

[Castle Forrester]

Observer: Ah, see? Nobody wants to get a tie! Don't you see what a terrible gift that is? I'll tell you what, I'll try again, two out of three....
Observer 1: Oh, you're a pathetic sot, but we'll take you from this bloated place, now come on, dummy. (The Observers drag Brain Guy right into Pearl.)
Pearl: So... Brain Guy... You're planning to leave us.
Observer: Well, it's just that my civilization needs me...
Pearl: We're not good enough for you, I understand.
Observer: Nothing personal, really...
Pearl: No, that's fine!
Observer: No, it's nothing against you!
Pearl: It's fine!
Observer: It's just that they'll need my help blowing up the world and everything.
Pearl: Goodbye! Goodbye.
Observer: I'll tell you what, I'll send you one last movie to Mike. (To Mike) Mike, your movie this week is called "The Deadly Bees." (To Pearl) See, it's just that my civilization needs me...
Pearl: (Intelligible high pitched chirp.)
Bobo: Don't leave, Brain Guy! I.. love you...
Observer: Uh.. it's.. er... patronizing...


Crow: Wow, already you've spilt about a gallon of gravy on your tie. I mean, how clumsy ARE you, Mike? (Lights and klaxons go off)
Mike: Well, I just...
Crow: Get the gravy, Mike!
Mike: Ah, we got MOVIE SIGN!

(Movie Sign.)

Segment 3


(Mike is doing something with an egg, when the Bots pop up. Crow is dressed in a rennaissance outfit, complete with floppy hat. Tom is dressed similarly and holding a flutish instrument.)

Crow: Hello, Mike!
Mike: Oh, hi, Crow. Nice pantaloons.
Crow: Oh, nevermind that. I'm smitten with love for the fair Lady Hargrove!
Mike: Who? Oh, from the movie? The Cigarette Hag?
Crow: Don't call her that!
Tom: Hehe!
Mike: All right. Go on with your story.
Crow: Thank you. I've written a sonnet in her honor, classic English form, fourteen lines, Iambic feet.
Mike: Uh (gesturing to Tom) What's with Curly here?
Tom: Me? Oh, I'm just sittin' in on crumhorn.
Mike: Oh, okay, well, rockin'. Let's hear it.
Crow: Hit it. (Tom begins playing.)

As England's rotting springtime begs to loom,
I spy thee, sitting, smoking with thy dog.
I long to fill my lungs with your perfume,
Aft' several samplings of the local grog.
Effluvia! I would rather die than switch!
To gaily dance my claws through smokey locks
Is my delight, though some would call you bi- uh, witch!
I love thee, Filter, flavor, pack or box.
I flit, for springtime happens every you.
And fly to spy thy scowl and barnyard fair,
Sweet panther-like, I kiss a mole or two,
As satisfying flavor fills the air.
With loved black lungs we'll from the heavens choke,
A silly milimeter longer of love's smoke.
Thank you.

Mike: Okay. I gotta go brush my teeth. See ya.
Crow: Hey, wait, I have a canto as well!
Tom: Ah forget it. We'll be right back!

Segment 4

(This has already been committed to Ward E)

Segment 5


(Crow stares blankly into the camera.)

Tom: (Singing) Tortillas stuffed with ham... Hi, Crow, whatcha doing?
Crow: Hi. Waiting.
Tom: Oh. For?
Crow: Oh, for Mike.
Tom: Ahh.
Crow: I asked him where my bottle of Just For Men Hair Coloring was, and he left without a word. And so I shall await his return, for I have every faith that Mike will one day come back to me and answer the question I posed so long ago... (Mike enters in a Bee costume.)
Crow: Mike! I knew you'd come back!
Mike: Hey, guys! How ya doin'? You know what? I thought I'd shake things up a bit, you know? Think outside the box! Shift the hell out of our paradigms!
Tom: Uh, so you dressed in a bee costume? Good for you!
Mike: Yeah, you know, just for today, I thought I'd communicate as the bees do!
Tom: Um, bees communicate through movement and odor.
Crow: Right.
Mike: I'll just be using movement.
Crow: Oh, good, thank God. (Mike does a bee dance.)
Tom: Huh? Oh.. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah, of course.
Crow: What's he saying?
Tom: Yes, I have to agree with Milton Freidman. Economic freedom is an essential requisite for political freedom!
Crow: Did he say anything about my Just For Men?
Tom: No, I'll let you know. Oh, Mike. Oh, Mike.
Crow: What? What? What?! This has to be about my Just For Men hair coloring!
Tom: How stirring! (Crying) You my friend are one of the few people who can do justice to Chief Seattle's oration! Thank you, Mike, thank you!
Crow: What about my Just For Men hair coloring?
Tom: (Angrily) I'm sure he's getting to it! Jeez... Say, Mike, can you compare and contrast the English translation of the Maha Barata to the original Sanskrit? Yes, I see, yes, I understand. I agree... (Mike and Tom exit)
Crow: I mean, I don't really need it.... It's just, I enjoy looking younger. Nothing wrong with that, I don't think. Anyway, we'll be right back.

Segment 6


Mike: So.. bees, huh?
Crow: They sure make a film.
Tom: Sure do. Bees should be in every single movie! (Odd music begins and the bowler-hatted man walks through the bridge, tipping his hat as he goes.)
Crow: Huh?
Tom: Huh?
Mike: Huh. Oh, uh, Pearl's calling.

[Castle Forrester]

(Brain Guy and the Observers are waging a mental duel in the background.)

Pearl: Well, Mike, it's Armageddon. These other bleachy-faced fey omnipotent brain guys are battling OUR Brain Guy because he decided to stay. Once they toast him they're going to take over the world, an idea they TOTALLY stole from me! (Pearl sits down and begins reading a magazine.)
Observer 2: You flesh-loving traitor!
Observer: I shant!
Observer 1: Surrender, carnally assaulted fool!
Observer: I shant!
Observer 2: Then meet your doom!
Observer 1: No! In stereo this time, Observer!
Observer: Ooh! Two at once! Too much! Can't handle it!
Bobo: I made more chilidogs!
Observer 1: Chili-dogs? What a fascinating concept.
Bobo: Yes, with lots of yummy ooey-gooey cheese!
Observer 2: What an intriguing notion! (Brain Guy grabs a distracted Observer 2's brain and drops it in Pearl's lap.)
Observer: Quick, Pearl, put this down the laundry chute!
Pearl: What do I look like, your maid?!
Observer: Hurry! The fate of the world is in the balance!
Pearl: (Mocking) Ooh, the fate of the world is in- Oh, all right!
Observer 2: Oh! My brain! My brain...(Observer 2 stands there dumbly)
Observer 1: So! It comes down to you and it comes down to me, eh, Observer? To the supreme challenge of our respective neural mastery! (Brain Guy kicks Observer 1 in the shins and swipes his brain.)
Observer: Quick, Bobo, go long! (He tosses the brain to Bobo) So, former brain mates! For punishment you shall walk this earth for the rest of your days as mere flesh-bound mortals! Worse yet, you will live in Wisconsin, where you will work at the Burnett County Dairy Cooperative and be raging Packers fans! (Observers 1 and 2 are suddently changed into white-faced Wisconsonites.)
Observer 2: Go Packers!
Observer 1: Packers! Woooooo!
Observer 2: Hey, you got any smokes, man?
Observer 1: You gotta quit bummin' off me. (They leave.)
Observer: Muahahahahaha!
Bobo: That was fun, let's do it again!
Observer: Uh, later, Bobo.
Pearl: Are they gone? Is the world saved and everything?
Observer: Yes, yes, we three have triumphed over evil in a way that I--(The odd guy with the bolwer and umbrella walks through the Castle and tips his hat.)
Pearl: Huh.
Observer: Huh.
Bobo: Huhhhh.