Bit: Crow Sells His Soul To Stan

Episode 908-The Touch Of Satan

Transcribed by Dan Newton


(Crow is looking over a contract.)

Crow: Heh, heh, heh, suh-weet deal! (Mike enters) Hey, hey Mike! I just sold my soul to Satan!
Mike: Oh ya did?
Crow: Uh yeah, so, I'm probably gonna have lots of unfathomable worldly power real soon. Yeah, I thought I'd give you the heads up on that.
Mike: Oh, that's real thoughtful of you. Thanks Crow.
Crow: (Turns back to contract) Yup! Got a contract right here, from Satan.
Mike: Let me see that. (Mike picks up the contract and examines it. "Shall take possession of his mortal soul....." Yeah, that all scans. Whoa, but look at this, a little mistake here; it looks like you sold your soul to "Stan", not Satan.
Crow: Huh.
Mike: Yeah.
Crow: Well, there's a number there, would you mind calling it please?
Mike: Oh, yeah, sure. (Mike starts dialing.)
Crow: Wow.
Mike (indicating contract): Yeah, see, this, this isn't even the area code for Hell.
Crow: Ahhhhh.......... (Phone rings. A man answers.)
Voice:   Yyy'ello, Stan Johnson.
Mike: Ah, see? There ya go. (To phone) Hi, uh, Stan, this is, uh, Mike Nelson. You're not by any chance the devil, are you?
Voice: Uh, nope! I'm a CPA and Investment Consultant.
Crow (disappointed): Damn!
Mike: Uh-huh, yeah. Hey, I'm calling on behalf of a Crow T. Robot.
Voice: Oh, right. Little skinny gold guy. Kinda bug-eyed. Sure.
Mike: Yeah. That's the guy. Hey, did you buy his soul?
Voice: Yes I did. I, I manage a well-balanced portfolio of souls. They give me very high yields.
Crow (interrupting): Um, um, um, Stan, this is Crow. Uh, when can I get my soul back? Is that possible, or........
Voice: Oh, I'm sorry, I resold your sold already to Citicorp in a big block of souls.
Crow: Aw, man, I am gonna have to make so many phone calls to get my soul back.
Mike: Oh, Man. (Castle calls) Oh, and Pearl's, babysitter, is calling.
Crow: Whew! (Pause.)
Voice: Hello?
Mike (To Stan): Be with you in a minute.

[Castle Forrester]

(Steffi the babysitter is reading to Observer and Bobo.)

Steffi: Almost finished storytime. Then everyone goes to sleep. (Bobo is in an over-sized pet travel container.)
Bobo: Um, can I come out now?
Steffi: Shush! Bad dog! Go to sleep!
Bobo (resigned): Okay.
Steffi: Now, where was I Brian?
Observer (extremely bored): Oh, uh, the tall fellow was repeatedly refusing to ingest green eggs and ham, the short fellow was bizarrely insistent upon it.
Steffi: Yes, very good. (she pats him condescendingly on the shoulder, he manages a weak smile. Steffi reads.) "I will not eat them in a plane. I will not eat them on a train."
Observer (annoyed): "On a train". Right! You know, why doesn't he just leave him alone? He has pointedly made his refusal to eat this dish clear. The mere hypothetical changing of a location is irrelevant and tedious! (Steffi closes the book.) And, and that "Sam I Am" is so bloody repetitive I could scream!
Steffi: Are we a little cranky Brian?
Observer: No madam, I am over-tired, so I shall turn in now. So, if you wouldn't mind please, (holds out his hand) my blankie, (she hands him a baby's blanket) my nookie, (she hands him a pacifier) and my, friend. (she hands him a stuffed toy, he sighs contentedly) Thank you kindly. Good morrow to you. (he leaves)
Steffi (waving after him): Nighty-night. (Bobo has stuck his legs out the bottom of the pet container, and he walks over to Steffi.)
Bobo (thoughtfully): Well now me, I'd definitely eat them on a train, there's no doubt about it.
Steffi: Quiet! No bark!
Bobo: They'd be delicious on a train, but a plane, I'd have to think about a plane. Maybe, substitute bacon for ham, that sounds kinda nice. (Steffi starts rolling up a newspaper) And we could have a nice, (sees what Steffi is doing) Oh boy! (Starts whimpering.)

[Over credits.]

Steffi (hits him with paper): No bark!
Bobo: Ow! Now I'm not barking, I was just talking. (she hits him again) OW! I'm commenting on the story! There's no barking involved at all!
Steffi: No! No bark! (Hits him.)
Bobo: Ow! No, no, I'm not sure you see my point here. It's like this; rather than barking, as you assumed, I was actually (whap!) Ow! Come on! Tch! I'm talking, not.... (whap!) Ow!
Steffi: No! (whap!)
Bobo: Ow!
Steffi: No bark! (whap!)
Bobo: Ow! I'm not barking! I'm (whap!) Ow!
Steffi: Bad dog!
Bobo: ....articulating, I'm (whap!) Ow! Geez! (whap!) Ow! Ow!
Steffi: Bad dog! (whap!)
Bobo: Ow! Stop it!