Bit: The Final Sacrifice: The Series

Episode: 910- The Final Sacrifice

Transcribed by "Mike \"Nelson\""

[In the theater]

(The end credits start rolling)
Crow: Hey Mike, you know I didn't think this movie was as bad as the usual fare.
Mike: You're joking, I hope.
Crow: No, no, no, no. Admittedly it had some flaws. Just a little overzealous persuing some of its ideas, granted, but... but I think it was more of a problem of form. A movie is just not the right medium for this material. It... it needs TV. It needs to be a series.
Mike: Hmm... I don't know.
Crow: Just... just... just let me pitch this to you.
Mike (suddenly taking on the personality of a TV executive): Uh, okay, I'm listening. Go!
Crow: Great, great. Thanks for hearing me out. Okay, the, uh, "The Final Sacrafice: The Series."
Mike: The name goes.
Crow: What?
Mike: Never liked the name. The name goes. It's banal.
Crow: But... but if you're hoping to connect the series with the movie...
Mike: I mean...We need something like, oh, "Night Mistress."
Crow (Considering it...) : "Night Mistress"...
Mike: Yeah, or "Cluchey and the Lieutenant." You know, something that's gonna seduce people, really connect with them. We'll work on that.
Crow: Okay, okay. So... so you've got Rowsdower and he roams through Canada and he's got his little pal Troy and they all get into all kinds of scrapes but they help people...
Mike: Alabama!
Crow: What?
Mike: Alabama, Chicago...Cleveland! No, I like Alabama. You like Alabama? It's your show.
Crow: Well, well to me, Canada is the essence of...
Mike: Pittsburgh! We'll do it in Pittsburgh.
Crow: Well... well I suppose if you actually film it Pittsburgh...
Mike: No, no, no, no. We film it in Canada. Have to. (Beep) Hold on. Yeah Judy. Okay, thanks. (Back to Crow) You got two minutes. Guttenberg's people are coming in.
Crow: Yeah...What do you mean Guttenberg's people are coming in?
Mike: What I mean is you just lost a minute. Go!
Crow: Whoa! Sorry, sorry. So, us, the lead character is Rowsdower, of course...
Mike: The lead character is the kid! Sparky McHoolahan or whatever the hell his name was. You like that name? I never liked that name.
Crow: But that's not his name. I mean...
Mike: But I like all that funny beer stuff you get with that Rowsdower guy, him being a hopeless drunk and all that. He's loveable. You know he falls down, he's sick a lot, but he's loveable. And the kid? The kid works in a brewery.
Crow: Actually I had an hour-long drama in mind.
Mike: What are you, one of those Dennis Franz freaks? Huh?
Crow: Now wait a minute. I think that...
Mike: Wait, wait, wait, yeah, give me a second here. I'm going somewhere... I'm there, I'm there. This Rowsdower guy... full frontal, you know...
Crow: Whoa!
Mike: ... A couple times a season, tasteful, low lights, just a hint...
Tom: Wow! (Beep.)
Mike: Hold on. Yes Judy. I know. (Back to Crow) You got 30 seconds.
Crow: Okay, well this... this main character, um, Sparky...
Mike: As a friend, a girl. Hell, he's a girl, too. There are a lot of girls. They're all roommates. There's a goofy girl, a serious girl, a cheerleader, the loose girl, everybody in the damn series is a damn girl.
Crow: Yeah, but Rowsdower...
Mike: A big, hairy girl. (Beep.) Yes Judy! (Back to Crow) I'll tell you what. I got a show idea for you. You get out of my office till you give me something I can use.
Crow: Whoa!
Mike: Now I gotta go meet Guttenberg's people.
Crow: Gee whiz! (Mike and Crow leave. Tom keeps singing and bouncing around even though the music has since stopped. He eventually realizes he is alone.)
Tom: Huh? Hey, where's the music? You guys? (The End is shown on the screen and Tom struggles to get out of the theater) The End! Ow, ow.