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Bit: Intro/Crow causes a hull breach

Episode: MST3K: The Movie

Transcribed by RevolverOcelot (and Sampo)

[Deep 13]

(Dr F is writing calculations or WHATever on a blackboard. He notices the camera, walks over, and addresses the audience.)

Dr. F: Ah! You're here. Hello. Welcome. I'm Dr. Clayton Forrester, and soon you will all bow down before me. What you're about to see is an experiment--(He begins to walk away from Cambot and around in Deep 13.) And by observing, you have become part of the experiment. (He now picks up an odd-looking, three-headed plastic animal that purrs like a cat the moment it's in his hands.) For I have shot a man into space (he points up), and am driving him crazy by forcing him to watch the worst movies EVER made. (He first kisses then casually dumps the animal into a glass container filled with a greenish-blue liquid that's probably acid, and clearly ignores the animal's tormented wailing.) Oh, sure, we all have thought about it, but only *I* had the guts to do it! (He flings his arms to the side, thereby accidentally pushing a lever, which causes a large mechanic arm to swing at him and knock him to the ground.) OH! (He recovers and gets back up, pulling down a notepad with an enlarged photograph of Mike that is attached to large spring from the ceiling.) This is my test subject: Mike Nelson. A disgustingly mild-mannered DOPE who has managed to survive EVERY movie I subjected him to. (He pushes the notepad under his arm, and balls his fist.) But perhaps THIS movie will drive him to the breaking point and crush his soul. And THEN I'll unleash it on an unwitting public, and then I will RULE THE WORLD! YES! (He laughs maniacally and starts spanking himself with the notepad.) I'm a naughty boy! Naughty, naughty, naugh-- (He suddenly realizes the audience is still watching.) --ty... (he releases the notepad and walks over to a lever). Well, uh,...You will join Mike in watching the Universal classic "This Island Earth". Now, prepare yourselves for my maddest madness yet! (he pushes the lever, smiling. A fuse blows the same moment and Deep 13 goes dark. We hear his voice in the dark). Ohhh, poopie!

(The SOL is seen orbiting planet earth. Credits.)


(Mike exercising in a rotating chamber, awaited by Gypsy. As the credits end, he steps out.)

Gypsy: Morning, Mike! (Mike walks over to a giant hamster water feeder.)
Mike: Morning, Gypsy! Whaddaya got for me?
Gypsy (as Mike drinks from the feeder): Oxygen-nitrogen mix is at required standards. (Mike stops drinking and takes a towel that is attached to Gypsy, and wipes his face.) We're currently low orbit over Southern Madagascar. And that wonderful smell is a lamb roast I have in the oven. (As the music fades out, a rythmic banging echoes silently through the SOL.)
Mike (as the two walk over to the controls of the SOL): And sweet yams?
Gypsy: Affirmative! Oh, and I compiled today's wire service reports. Here's a hard copy. (Mike picks up a paper from the controls and begins to read it.) The Cubs lost again. (Tom pops up from under the control panel, humming.)
Tom: Oh! Why, hello Mike, everything workin' fine on the ol' Satellite of Love today, hmmmmmmm? No dangerous problems or horrible mishaps in sight? (Mike looks up, perplexed, from the paper.)
Mike (continuing to read the report): No, Tom, everything appears nominal.
Tom: Ah, nominal, gooooooooood, good. So I guess that means you're not worried of what that rythmic pounding might be... (Mike looks up from the paper again.)
Mike: Yeah, what IS that?
Tom: Yeah, what is that, hmmm? I'm a highly sophisticated robot, Mike, and I'm telling you: This is not something you should be hearing! Something's CAUSING this Mike! Hm, now let's think. I'm here, YOU'RE here, Gypsy's here...
Mike (interrupting): Ok, Tom, where's Crow?
Tom: Where's Crow? Uh, I'm not supposed to say anything, but I *did* see that litle moron heading, towards the basement with a pickax in his hand...
Mike (shocked): GYPSY! Go to condition yellow, we gotta stop him!
Gypsy (as yellow lights start flashing): ROGER!

[Below decks]

(Shot of Crow, wearing a soldier helmet, in a hole he's already dug in the floor of the ship. He's continuing through the second layer, singing as he does so.)

Crow: (singing) ...It's a loooong way, to Tip-a-ra-rieeeee, To the sweetest girl I knooooow, Goodbye to Noah Berry, Hello Harold Lloooooyd...(Mike and Tom look in from above)
Mike: Crow?
Crow (offscreen): Huh?
Mike: Crow, listen, you've gotta stop!
Crow (onscreen): Oh! Hi Mike! I've found the perfect spot! Once I break through this wall, we'll tunnel our way right back to earth!
Tom (floating down as Mike descends a ladder near him): Crow you big dope! You can't tunnel through space!
Crow: Come, come, boys, we must confound Jerry at every turn!
Tom (offscreen): Crow, no! You'll breach the hull! (The ground rips open, and the ship begins to violently decompress as a sign starts flashing: Hull Breach!)
Mike: Aaaaaaaah! Croooooooooooooooooooooow!
Crow: (overlapping the 'Croooooow') Whooooooooooo I didn't expect this!
Tom (struggling against the wind pulling him toward the breach): Gaining maximum RPM. Adjust pitch and yaw thrusters...stabilize....there! That should do it....YAAAAAAAAAH (and he is sucked toward the breach. As he flies past Mike, Mike grabs one of Servo's hands, and the spring connecting the hand to Servo's body stretches further and further as Servo is sucked toward the breach.)
Crow: Wow, this IS confusing! Mike! You wanna hand me me my calculations? (The wind happens to blow Crow's calculations right into his face.) Thank you. (Reading.) Well, look at that. "Breach hull--all die." Even had it underlined.
Tom (as his arm stretches further and further): Whoooaaaa! Ow! I don't wanna die! Ow! (Stretches further.) Oh! Mommy! Mommy! Oh...I LOVE YOU MIIIIIIIIIKE!! (Spring pops off the hand Mike is holding and Servo wooshes toward oblivion.)
Mike: SEEEEERRVVVVOOOOO!!!! (Tom lands--and his hoverskirt covers the hull breach exactly. Ship pressure returns to normal.)
Tom: Oh! (Mike comes and kneels down next to Crow and Servo, now together in the hole Crow dug.)
Mike: Atta boy, Servo!
Crow: I won't do THAT again!
Tom (cheerfully): Hey! I'm experiencing a sensation altogether new to me! And frankly, I lllove it!
Mike: Now, Crow, I told you: No more escape attempts.
Crow: Believe me, Mike, I calculated the odds of this succeeding versus against the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid...and I went ahead anyway. (Mike picks up a nearby circular object, moves Servo off the hole and drops it in place.)
Tom: Aw, darn! (A bong sounds. Gypsy leans in through the hatchway above.)
Gypsy: It's time! Dr. F. is calling for you.