Bit: Joel on SNL
February 18, 1984
Transcribed by Fran Smith
Joel: Do you remember when we were little, and we'd take tin cans and put 'em together and make a telephone? (He reaches into large brown case and pulls out two cans with metal rods sticking out of the top) Do you? Well, they're cordless now.
Here's an impression I'd like to do for you. (He takes a small mechanical woodpecker and attaches it to his forehead.) I'm a tree. (Woodpecker starts pecking at his head.)
Hey, look. (He pulls out a gaudy orange and black tie.) They finally found Fred Flintstone's tie.
This is a new trick I just made up. (He turns around, placing something around his neck.) It's something I designed for the active priest. All right? (He turns back around and shows a black and white priest's collar under his jacket. He then pulls the collar up, revealing it is a visor you can then put on your head.)
Now, I don't know if any of you have pets at home, but when my goldfish are good to me, I like to be good to them. (He moves over to a record player and places a small fish tank with two goldfish in it on the turntable. He turns the turntable on, and the fish tank starts slowly spinning around) This allows them to lie perfectly still while the water rushes around 'em.
This is a new trick. It's my impression of an electric pencil sharpener. What I have is an ordinary unsharpened pencil. (He pulls out an unsharpened pencil, sticks it up his nose, and then makes a whirring sound. After a few seconds, He then pulls a sharpened pencil out of his nose, the unsharpened cap of the pencil stuck in his nose. He then tries to "snort" the unsharpened cap of the pencil into his coat pocket. He misses.)
Okay, how many -- here's a trick you've never seen before, and you'll never, ever see again.
(He takes a container and puts it over his head. It has a hole in the top, a handle on the side and two rollers in front. He then turns the handle, and a flat, rubberized face comes out from between the rollers. He then takes the face, shows it to the audience, and places it back in the hole in the top of the machine. He takes the contraption off his head, rubbing his face in pain.) I hate that trick.
Okay, I happen to be a master at making balloon animals. (He pulls a long, thin balloon out of his bag, also showing a large bag of the balloons waiting to be blown up.) I make, like, over 100 different balloon animals, and I'd like to do 'em all for you right now. Since I can make so many different balloon animals, I'd like someone from the audience to name a real exotic animal that you'd like to see me make.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: A woodchuck!
Joel: Besides a woodchuck. (The audience starts shouting out suggestions. One audience member shouts out snake, and Joel gives him a look. He then reaches into his bag, pulling out a Mr. Potato Head.)
Hey, this is you, okay? What do you want me to make? Really. (Audience starts shouting out suggestions again). Elephant? All right, I'll make an elephant. You said elephant, right?
Okay, long or short-haired? Oh, yeah.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Long hair.
Joel: Long hair? Okay, a long-haired elephant. (He has blown the balloon out to his full length). One, two, three, go. (He quickly starts twisting the balloon, moving it around.) I make over 100 different balloon animals, but they all end up looking like little dogs. (He shows the animal he made, which resembles a small poodle, complete with puffy tail tip. He then hands the animal to the audience member who made the suggestion of the elephant.) I want that guy who said snake to come up here. Will you come up here? Come on, you can give him a round of applause. Come on up here. (The member of the audience, a man, joins Joel on stage as the audience applauds.) Just stand right there. Stand right there. (He and the audience member take their positions on either side of table. He then brings out a Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em Robots game.) Okay, this is Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em Robots. All right, and you have to try to knock my block off. (He takes his position as the blue robot, while the audience member takes the controls as the red robot) All right? One, two, three, go! (He and the audience member's robots start punching one another.) Not so rough. Let's take a break. (The audience member lets go of his controls, and He takes advantage by pushing his robot's controls, knocking the head back of the audience member's robot) All right. Thank you. You know, I always win this game, though, 'cause I taped his head down. (He points to his blue robot. The audience laughs and applauds. Fade to lack.)