Some time ago we had “Favorite/notable gay sex riffs” as a topic. Part of the premise was that there was nothing wrong with homosexuality and that sex, gay or straight, is just inherently funny. Recently I referenced Irving Klaw in a discussion of “Women of the Prehistoric Planet” and someone else asked me if my favorite movie was “Yards of Leather.” This got me thinking. With “50 Shades” in theaters, how about “Favorite BDSM, kinky sex or fetishism riffs” as a topic for discussion?
Examples for me would include when the mothers in Gamera vs Guiron are upset at their missing children and one expresses an intent to spank her son, Tom, 40 times, to which Servo blurts out, “I’m Tom, spank me!”
During Crows Houdini act at the beginning of Space Travelers when he describes the, “merciless, unrelenting — and strangely pleasurable — chains” he is wrapped in. Not that I’d know anything about that sort of thing.
I guess we can take a shot at it, with two caveats. First: Let’s keep things PG-13-ish, okay? Second: A lot of these riffs were written one or two decades ago, and, well, the world is a little different now. What was fodder for humor in 1991 is a legitimate alternative lifestyle in 2015. So let’s start with the basic assumption that nobody is belittling anybody else’s way of life. We all have our little things we enjoy, and we’re just sharing a few funny riffs between friends, okay? That said…
The riff that immediately came to my mind was a line in the short “X Marks the Spot.” The guardian angel says: “I don’t want to say he was lookin’ for trouble…” and the riff is: “…but I DID see him down by the waterfront wearin’ a spartan costume.”
Not that I would know what that’s like… :::hides spartan costume:::
What’s your pick?
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“Double-bag it, son,” from Young Man’s Fancy.
One of the Gamera movies (maybe Zigra?) one of the female characters is riding a bicycle.
“The Bicycle has no seat!”
Something to that effect, now I’m going to have them AGAIN.
“You lucky swimtrunks are about to giftwrap a beautiful package.” (Agent From HARM)
I imagine whoever said that in the writers’ room had been sitting on it for years, hoping for the opportunity to use it.
Deathstalker – look, he’s going on a little camping trip. Also Devil Doll – that right there is why men should not wear leggings. Also Danger Death Ray – sure it’s phallic, why wouldn’t it be. Many more I’m sure.
Not too kinky, but I always laugh …
Mr. B. Natural: “I’ve got some swell stories to tell.”
Joel: “I bet.”
I just remembered Winky from the Rocky Jones episodes and all of his “gay nightlife” lines.
So, the nice lady lets Herc stay in her house, rent-free…
From ‘This Island Earth’, when Cal is trying to land his plane, and we see him fiddling with his joystick…
Servo: “Should we be seeing this?”
forget the movie, but where’s the dog’s meat sounds bad.
also, sampo, are we talking at PG-13 of 1991 or today (a lot of PG-13 films today would be R rated of old).
All right, you people want kinky? For any preverts of woman-prairie dog or man-rock action…
The Beast of Yucca Flats: The couple stuck with the clueless kids:
1) When the wife gets back to the car:
“A very nice prairie dog taught me about being a woman”
2) The husband falls splayed on butt mountain:
“Feels kind of good. Strange, but good.”
Also, a suggestion for a weekend topic (“inspired” also by TBoYF)
Sports allusions in the movies or skits or riffs, adapted to other movies:
“Jaworski, Ron Jaworski. Played quarterback for the Eagles.”
Upon the Prince of Space finally realizing his weapons are useless against the effete,
boot blacking superhero he drafts Jaworski to take out PoS (just realized those letters
can be missinterpreted by some sickos out there!) Sadly, PoS gets Too Tall Jones to blindside
Jaworski before he can take out the masked avenger.
Amazing Colossal Man
Well, something’s much bigger than we expected.
In DANGER!! DEATH RAY, Bart “Beefcake” Fargo walks by in his shorty shorts, and Servo riffs, “This is for the ladies… but I like it too…” That always makes me chuckle.
Poor Joel in ROBOT HOLOCAUST: The camera ogles a near nude apocalyptic maiden, and our usually shy Joel admits, “You know, sometimes I really miss Earth.” (Or something like that.)
And in BRIDE OF THE MONSTER, Crow’s dream about Candystriper Servo is classic bit of awkward homoeroticism. I love the way Kevin says, “Turn it OFF! Turn it OFF!” and Joel’s look of horror too.
“If you could see my hands right now, you’d be horrified” – in The Beginning of the End, Peter Graves as Dr. Ed Wainwright, his hands in his lab-coat pockets, seemingly quite… uh… active, as he’s talking to Audrey Aimes.
There are a few in the “General Hospital” short – the one with “Crash of the Moons”. They are all at the most depressing party ever when Cynthia gets a phone call from her fiance Ken that he is with a patient and can’t pick her up. Phil happily offers to give her a ride home. Cynthia then suggests to Jessie that she come along to keep Phil company on the way home…”C’mon Jess, you swing!” “Thanks for the use of your man.” Phil says to Jessie as he is going out the door, “I won’t be long.” The riff (via Tom) is Jessie responding “No kidding, you don’t have to tell me.”
The “I didn’t mean to turn you on” skit at the opening of Hobgoblins. It’s just bizarre — and I like it.
The tall slightly pointed structure in the city in Outlaw of Gor:
Crow: “Hey, that looks like a–”
Mike: “Hey, NO!
Servo: “All I can say is, I envy that structure!”
;-) :snicker: :shock: :smirk: :blush:
That’s one of the very rare moments where explaining a joke actually makes it funnier. When they run out of innuendo, they start running down the list of the sex references they already made, and it doesn’t feel like a retread at all.
Just gonna say, whoever gets the next comment wins.
‘What would Liberace do? Nah, better not do that’ from Once Upon A Honeymoon always struck me as implying all sorts of things. (It’s also a multipurpose line, as far as I’m concerned.) ;-)
I’m just pointing out that the riff above me was 69! *giggle*
Deathstalker and the Warriors From Hell:
“Guess what I’ve been doing!”
Jack Frost:
Ivan: Well, I’ve never been pushed into an oven, and that’s the first time I’ve ever sat on a shovel!
Mike: The flat part, anyways.
(For those who have now likely forgotten his very existence by now, it was an MTV-era reference to Robert Palmer, as filtered through the evergreen hilarity of Bill Corbett Facetiously Recites 70’s/80’s Song Lyrics As Conversational Dialogue…..
I mean, as dialogue, it’s, y’know–laugh, it’s funny! :laugh: )
My first topic suggestion to be accepted. Better throw in my 2 cents.
Numerous riffs about, “No, not the clown suit”, during fitful sleep.
Fire Maidens of Outer Space: “Someone finally filmed my dream”, as Hestia’s sisters grab her and start to tie her up. Later on two astronauts go by the same set and wonder, “Why aren’t there any pretty girls here to tie us up?”
Batman and Robin (Rifftrax): When Bane is strapped to a table and being empowered and he thrashed around as his body distorts and a riffer comments that it’s about time to say the safeword.
Matrix Reloaded: Jokes about David Cronenberg having to “excuse himself” during scenes of car crashes.
Similar jokes about the pervy guy in Carnival of Souls having to “excuse himself” at different times. Most memorably during a lingering shot of the schizophrenic organ player’s bare feet as she’s playing. It’s a very Tarintino-esque shot.
Speaking of which, in Tourist Trap: When Tanya Roberts in her short shorts uses a bare foot to slide a file across the floor a riffer comments that, “The Quentin Tarintino directors cut consists of nothing but this shot on a loop for 1 1/2 hours.”
Hercules Unchained: When Herc’s fiancee announces that, “she’d like to see anyone put Hercules in chains”, and the riffers start saying, “ahem”.
The Day the Earth Froze: “The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man in chains? Kinky!”, at the sight of the bags of wind.
@ #73: Guess the meds need adjusting again.
Fugitive Alien-Ken is saved and after he is revived he starts fighting all the crew members until Captain Joe steps in and throws him over a crate, butt up in the air. As Captain Joe stands over him Joel riffs “I’m going to spank you big time.”
Summer Blockbuster Review
Batman and Robin, Batman is about to land on Mr. Freeze from behind.
Observer: Oh-oh no, they’re docking!
Ummm, ewww…
From “Riding with Death”, some counter is changing numbers and Tom says, “Hey, it’s my favorite number….70!” just as it changes.
watched swamp diamonds last night and heard this:
person being lead:
crow: yes master i am your love slave.
From “Pod People,” several come to mind. From the pudgy guy in the “I’m a Virgin” t-shirt: “He’s not good, he’s the BEST.” Maybe not exactly kinky, but at least skeevy in the context of the film nonetheless. I can’t recall the name of the apparently nymphomaniac vocalist who was unable to lure the record producer-band manager or whatever he was on the weekend getaway, who wondered whether there were any forest rangers, or – ahem – bears available to “entertain” her, and who even seemed to hit on young Tommy.
“Honorable” mention – the floozy wrestling scene in “The Head (Brain) that Wouldn’t Die” which followed the memorable line, “Who are you to tell me to blow?”
Well… refueling is a beautiful, natural thing that shouldn’t be mocked.
One from Werewolf that hasn’t been brought up yet: “People tend to say ‘rack’ around me a lot.”
There’s a mantis in my pantis.
One that hasn’t been mentioned because I’m sure we’re all trying to block it from our collective memory, but…
the two military officers spying on the smooching teenagers in ‘Attack of the the Eye Creatures’
Officer: “Not that I would ever go to places like that.”
Crow: “Not that I would ever have a healthy relationship.”
One riff I’ve always heard for some reason to be slightly salacious is in The Skydivers, when Beth says, “Oh kiss me Harry” and Crow riffs “or kiss me smooth.”
All of the made up health movie titles at the end of the “Is This love” short.
Know Your Ointments
What’s That Down There?
When He Wants It Rough
Procreation Not Recreation
Oh No! Pleasure
McClintock
That last one is filthy.
^ Is This Love? Or Just Rough Sex With Michael Douglas
From Spiderman (Rifftrax): “This table wasn’t originally designed for lab work, but…”
and in the same scene, “Willem Dafoe is used to being strapped down while shirtless. And in movies.”
From War of the Insects: While the head entomologist is being restrained before being exposed to the crazy inducing bugs, “Make it tighter. You’re ruining it for me!”
From the Circus short: While a woman is being lifted by an elephant’s trunk with a big smile on her face, “She’s enjoying this a little too much.”
Just gave the posts a lookover and am surprised no one mentioned this one. I’m speaking of how, in Wild, Wild World of Batwoman, Tiger insists on having the captive Batgirl on a leash.
Another from the Creeping Terror:
When the ‘Terror’ get’s on top of the small convertible:
Crow: “Uh… Mike?”
MIke: “Well, you see, when a monster and a small car love each other very much…”
Operation Double 007
“You know, I’m suddenly hungry for Cracker Jacks, I don’t know why.” (Joel)
Near the end of Horror of Party Beach just after the monsters have been destroyed. As they help the girl back to the cars, she’s making some noises that sound like she’s, you know…
The way Mike and the bots just look at each other and say nothing more than “ummm” and “Should we be listening to this?”
It’s subtle but cracks me up every time.
From “The Slime People”: “It’s the three splooges!”
From “Hercules Against the Moon Men”: After the buxom sister of the queen is introduced, Joel says “I miss the Earth a lot.”
Attack of (the) The Eye Creatures
“Bad things are going on out there.”
“Bad thing are going on IN HERE”
And other thinly disguised dialogue…
“I’m gonna walk off my great expectations…”
From #816 Prince of Space
Movie: What a powerful beam he must have!
Mike: Thank you.
Gets me everytime too! Especially after the scene is over and Servo continues the…umm….dialog.
There’s always the rather lovely relationship between Dr. Lombardi and Andrea
“Okay fine, I’m in your power but do you have to micro-manage me?”
Not to mention the amazing theme song.
Joel: “So how do you really feel about this guy?”
Tom: “HEEEEEEEEEE SAT ON HIS GLASSES OOOOOOOOONCE!!!”
Also the fact that Neil hypnotizes just about every girl he comes across
Crow: “It’s the only way he knows how to talk to women”
Joel: He likes to wear mittens!
Crow: He’s got a deviated septum!
Tom: He’s a real big fan of Delta Burke!
Joel: He gets his hair cut on Tuesdays!
Crow: He prefers stuffing to potatoes!
Tom: His favorite movie is Turner and Hooch!