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Weekend Discussion Thread: Stupidest Character in a MSTed MovieKeep those suggestions coming. But in the meantime this one is from me, and it’s spinning off of Thursday’s episode guide. As was noted, Jimmy in “I Accuse My Parents” is, well, kinda stupid. But is he the stupidest character of any MSTed movie? If not, who do you nominate? Me, I’m going to go with John Forsythe’s character in “Kitten with a Whip,” who is so crushingly stupid every time I see that episode I just want to leap through the screen and strangle him. But hey, that’s just me.
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You mean apart from Big Stupid? (Just kidding…)
How about the scientists in “King Dinosaur” who casually detonate an atomic bomb just to get rid of a couple of big lizards? Not only do they irradiate the planet, they also stupidly only give themselves half an hour, wear no kind of protection, and sit and watch the resulting mushroom cloud with a kind of slack-jawed fascination. Plus, they’re too oversexed and unprofessional to be taken seriously as scientists, especially ones on a supposed exploration of Nova…or Wisconsin.
But I agree with almost all of the other choices so far–is there an episode where you *don’t* find at least one dim bulb among the characters?
Who hasn’t told someone “y..you are gonna be the wormface!” whether in the check out line in the store ,or on a one night stand and instantly regretted it.
A phrase uttered by Roger,the son of a worm farmer,from ‘Squirm’.
Okay,that right there puts you in the running.
The bimbo girlfriend in “Pod People”…
Third and fourth Mike from “Manos.” Here’s a guy who actively ignores every horror-movie warning sign in the book. And if you believe some reports, Torgo is CLEARLY a satyr with goat hooves. Yeah. Everything about the Valley Lodge screams “Look, you’d be better off elsewhere, even if your car runs out of gas on a deserted highway at night.”
#45
HE’S NOT MERRITT STONE!
Joel years: the army guys from Attack of the the Eye Creatures. Not only stupid also disgusting. The Omega Army, from Warrior of the Lost World, they just stand there, expecting to be massacred by Jimmy Carter.
Mike years: Yuri, from Wharwillf, did anyone figure out what the hell was his plan? Turning people into werewolves just for the heck of it?
Dr Leopold from Blood Waters of Dr Z, conquering the world with catfish, yeah, brilliant! Even a guy with a net could easily thwart the invasion. Joan and Michelle from Girl in Gold Boot, but at least Joan used to had a pretty miiiind!
#49: Monster a Go-Go had people on it?
I didn’t think the whole cast of Hobgoblins was too terribly stupid… I think there’s a Kevin deep down within us all. However, that kid at the very beginning who looked like Alex Winter… he just blatantly did what he wasn’t supposed to. THAT kid is, to me, the stupidest in all of MST filmdom. Close second: the canon fodder from Space Mutiny and Escape 2000.
I’ll give Forsythe a break. Ann Margaret was incredibly beautiful. I’d do a lot of dumb things for her too even if she was batsh!t crazy.
So my vote also goes to Mike from Manos. His dumb decisions and lack of action doomed his whole family.
I would say everyone in ‘Wild Rebels’ had a raging case of stupid.
@Canucklehead (1). Rommel is such a good choice. Obviously there wouldn’t be a movie if he weren’t the way he is, but my God is he stupid. An unsavory group of weirdo bikers rapes and murders his fiancee and he doesn’t expect the cops to do anything? I’m sure the highway patrol would be glad to nail J.C.’s ass to the wall. Then there’s Rommel’s plan for revenge. I figure the guy was depressed enough to the point where he didn’t care if he lived or died. So why drag down a few other guys with him. I think it’s a terrible waste when Big Jake and Crap Out bite the dust, and in really dumb ways too. Rommel isn’t strategist of his namesake. He’s just stupid.
Really old Teenager From Outerspace @ #40 hit the right answer, the entire cast of Hobgoblins is pretty stupid, but I want to specify that Kyle, the weirdo in red pants who meets up with Fantazia, is the supreme stupid of all stupids.
The kid from High School Bigshot is a complete moron.
Slartibartfast #38,
You’re thinking of Frankie. Pete was the one who died midway through the film because his chute didn’t open quick enough.
I’ll nominate the Japenese Military Forces. Movie after movie shows the military as helpless, hopeless and lost as what to do with the many monsters they encounter and it seems like most the time a child/children comes up with information on the monster and how to defeat it for them! WHAT KIND OF MILITARY ARE THEY RUNNING?
Well, the premise is kind of vague. Stupid as in unintelligent, or stupid as in a character so utterly annoying you want to kill them.
For sheer lack of intelligence, I’d go with Phantom of Krankor. Prince of Space repeatedly tells him and the other chickens, I mean men, that their weapons are useless against him, and despite that warning, Phantom embarks on a futile war campaign using his ineffectual weaponry and in the end gets destroyed. A very avoidable comeuppance.
For sheer annoyance, I’d choose Professor Neon’s assistant from Wild Wild World of Batwoman. Never in the history of cinema has a supporting character chewed more scenery with his tireless mugging for the camera and patently boorish hijinks, such as drinking random beakers in a science lab and rubbing things under his arms. if you’re looking for an angstrom of funny in this mallet-to-the-junk of a performance, look elsewhere.
Randy
What about Krankor’s army of cupless chicken-men? They never did figure out that “YOUR WEAPONS HAVE NO EFFECT ON ME.”
How about Lt. Lemont in “Space Mutiny”. She’s so stupid she doesn’t know she’s dead.
@64. OK, BobHoncho, you’re right. But Pete was pretty stupid too. He was the one who didn’t want to open his chute until he was too close to the ground.
Blowie the Dolphin @68 jogged our memories to the stupidest man on the block. The man guarding Leia in Space Mutiny had to have no brains working when he fell for her “charms” as she lured him into being the captive.
Every character, the actors who played them, all the crew members, the writer (if there even is one), and any person even tangentially involved in The Wild, Wild World of Batwoman. They all are awful, horrible people.
What about “Mary Smith”, the hapless girl in The Sinister Urge who gets blackmailed into starring in porno? (Very un-pornographic porno but still.) The boys are merciless with her. “I memorized that thing from ‘Haimlet’!”
So many good choices, most already listed above: Chicken Men of Krankor, Mike from Manos, Icky Elf, and so on. Here’s a couple that stand out for me.
Angela from The Incredibly Strange Creatures. Why get mixed up with someone like Jerry? “He wouldn’t be Jerry if he did.” As Mike said, “And that’s a good thing?”
Also, Estrella from the same movie. You hypnotize guys, disfigure them, and lock them in your closet? Why?
Many people from Horror of Party Beach. The scientist for not investigating the quarry, the lazy assistant who didn’t call those couple warehouses for sodium, the dubbed girl who went to a secluded area all by herself, etc. Just a buffet of morons.
The singer from The Deadly Bees. “Let me stupidly get involved.”
Jenni in the Screaming Skull for marrying a guy basically still in mourning after leaving a sanitarium for depression issues.
Mick from Squirm for visiting a girl in the deep South, and ignoring all Southern ideas of manners and respect, oozing condescension and superiority. Wouldn’t you at least try to blend in and be polite?
Davy from San Francisco International, for taking off in that place. I mean, come on already.
Oh, jeez, yeah; how could I forget the girl from Podunk in The Sinister Urge? “Oh, I’d hate to do anything to ruin this chance you’ve given me!” D’ahh ha ha ha ha ha hahh.
Still, Jimmy from I Accuse My Parents beats her hands-down. That depressive Shakespeare geek from High School Big Shot comes in a close second, though.
I’d have to vote for Lieutenant Colonel Glenn Manning. Just to review, a random plane crashed in the middle of the test site for a devastating new bomb. The odds of someone surviving that are pretty slim to begin with, so that pilot was probably dead on impact. The bomb was triggered, but hadn’t exploded yet. It doesn’t take an explosives specialist to know the exact, precise thing NOT to do in this situation (not to mention that, as a Lieutenant Colonel, he really REALLY ought to know better), AND Glenn’s superior officer is even there, shouting this fact directly at him, yet what does Glenn do?
Poor dope didn’t even find the pilot, either.
Lots of good options…
There’s 2 types of stupid characters in these films: [a] stupid ones that are supposed to be stupid (such as Mickey from “Screaming Skull”)… then there’s [b] stupid ones that are supposed to be smart (or at least smart enough to be normal/functioning adults).
For [b], one dope who always bugged me was Mark from “Devil Doll.” When Marianne dumps him for Vorelli, everyone with an IQ of a turnip knows that she’s been hypnotized by the fake bear-wearing fraud. Yet good old Mark English decides to… do absolutely nothing. Just go to the pub, mope around a while.
Pure, 100%, unadulterated STUPID.
Michele from “Girl In Gold Boots”. Probably one of the most blindingly stupid characters in the history of cinema, plus she couldn’t dance her way out of a wet paper bag.
Tony Farms and Jane Dobson from “The Pumaman”, aka Pyoomaman and Amelia Airhead.
Natalie and Paul from “Warwilf”. They deserved each other.
Peaches from “Racket Girls”. As Crow said, she had a fresh, natural stupidness that wasn’t forced or contrived.
My vote is locked in for Leonardo Da Vinci in Quest of the Delta Knights. As the real Leonardo said, “He’s a mook.” Rowsdower is a close second.
“Moon rock!? Oh, Wow!”
I rest my case.
Hercules in Hercules Unchained
#76: I don’t want to sound picky, but Vorelli is not a fraud, since he had real powers, of course, he uses them for evil and to torment his audience, he clearly is not Mr Sympathy, but not a fraud.
What about any of a half dozen or so teens who crawled down the Creeping Terror’s throat? …Although, now that I think about it, some rudimentary intelligence was required to find the mouth.
Peaches (Racket Girls) and Kathy (Track of the Moon Beast). Can’t believe I forgot those two. The sleazy little henchman in Racket Girls wasn’t much better. A happy memory of mine: my dad and I laughing hard at the following line.
Woman wrestler: “What are you thinking about?”
Mike: “Plato.”
As for Rowsdower, the character was ridiculous but I think Bruce Mitchell did a pretty good job with such a crappy role. The scene where he breaks down and tells Troy about his past with the cult was well done, I thought.
Any episode with a movie starring Alan Hale jr from Gilligans Island :island: (The crawling hand, Giant spider invasion are my favorites!!!)
#83: I was backing Peaches as well (though there really is an abundance of choices), but I’d heard the line from Mike as “Play-Doh”. It still works either way, actually. Jimmy from I Accuse My Parents is a close runner up: it takes effort to be that oblivious to your boss’s criminal activity.
At first, the initial answer to this question for me would have been Droppo. But then I remembered when Droppo dressed like Santa, the three “renegade” martians who captured him ACTUALLY BELIEVED he was the real deal! Hey fellas, the antenna, bulging helmet, green skin, whiny voice, and repetitive “ho ho ho”s didn’t give you any clues that this guy might be that annoying lackey who’s best talent is hiding (and slightly malfunctioning) radar boxes?
Jody Lee Thompson from The Touch of Satan is pretty consistently stupid.
Whoever came up with the concept for “The Starfighters” should be on this list. That is seriously the worst plane informercial ever.
Some candidates we haven’t really thought of yet:
Jimmy from Teenage Strangler. Is he going out of his way to make the worst choices he possibly can in this situation?
We’ve brought up Peaches quite a bit, but Scalli really isn’t much better in the smarts department, as it seems that everything he arranges for in this film merely guarantees his downfall (his games involving his Senate testimony are a case in point).
Finally, are there any human characters in Gamera vs. Barugon that demonstrate any ability to think about anything past what’s happening immediately? If any of about a half-dozen or so characters had shown this ability once, we’d have a much shorter film, and much less carnage would have taken place.
I haven’t done a by-season list in a long time, but this is a perfect opportunity:
1: The little girl from Robot Monster who goes in the completely opposite direction when saying she’s heading home.
2: All of the potential frat members in Ring of Terror. Only Tiny is smart enough to decide to get out, even though he still accepts when he’s told he’s in.
3: Lee van Cleef’s character’s student who is trying to track him down and kill him in the Master Ninja movies. He’s so stupid that he doesn’t know he’s supposed to stay dead after being fatally electrocuted.
4: Squeamy Ellis from Indestructible Man for letting himself be named Squeamy.
5: Jimmy and Mikey’s dad from Teenage Strangler for caring more about his reputation and image than being willing to confide with his son and daughter.
6: The nuns in Girls Town for inviting Paul Anka to sing for them instead of the Platters.
7: The aliens in Laserblast for leaving the device behind and, thereby, littering the desert.
8: Dr. Talbot in Leech Woman. I mean, the guy is actually surprised when his wife chooses him to be sacrificed.
9: Sondra from Devil Fish for walking about three feet away from the man who just threatened her and loudly calling the police instead of, you know, trying to not be conspicuous and/or seeking protection first.
10: The entire Malta police department in Final Justice for letting Joe Don Baker run free on their island despite being a walking disaster area.
I might have to go with Ator on this one. For all the build-up about him being the wisest person on the planet, what with all the leaves and parchments and salves and stuff, he doesn’t show any strategy or cunning that gives him the edge. He stupidly blunders into his home village, vows to free them, fails to notice the betrayal, is caught, half the town dies, including his beloved elder I assume. They fight their way across the landscape in no particular direction, back to her castle, he drops little sacks on them from his home-made glider, and just runs up to the femme John Saxon-type-guy and attacks him. For all that, even when he wins, he fails to finish off the obviously homicidal threat; he lets him live, then turns his back and (IIRC) JimmyCarlBlack/Thong must do the job for him. Stupid decisions all around; he can make a hangglider and gunpowder, and swordfight, and that’s about it.
87 Monky: Oh, and Jody from Touch of Satan is consistently wrong. Worlds Most Malleable man and tragically rock-stupid too. wow.
And for hon. mention, Capt. Santa (Cameron Mitchell) from Space Mutiny should win some award too. Though he’s head of an entire starship colony I still can’t tell what any of his command decisions were based on, or what good they did the crew.
Moon. He has no right or reason to think anything he does. I’d like to smack him with a screaming skull or two.
@ #44: Which senator? You didn’t identify the episode, though it’s likely one I haven’t seen as the situation you descibe doesn’t sound familiar.
@ #49: When did Jimmy commit fraud and embezzlement? What he did was transport stolen goods and write a bad check (the latter could be considered a form of fraud, I suppose).
@ #53: That’s a rather vague statement. :P
Miss Blake from Terror From The Year 5000 is pretty stupid… Incapable in her job, doesn’t really pick up much about what her employer does. Insultingly thick.
#47 Mark, I find Tor Johnson’s characters much smarter than the other characters.
Linda Evans character for even touching Joe Don Baker(Mitchell)
This may come as a “Suuu-prise” but I would have to say Roger from Squirm.
Then I would have to say the guy who “has the look of someone hit with a fish”- the Puma Man.
Natalie from the Soultaker seemed to have diffifulty putting it all together (directing AND her character in the movie)
Another mention for Mike from Manos, thanks to the brilliant strategy of going back to the phoneless Master’s lodge after escaping from there.
1. Mike (The father) from Manos. His mere existence sums up the word incompetence.
2. Mitchell from Mitchell. Even the Andy Kaufman look-alike chasing after him agrees: “You are so stupid.”
3. David Stratton from Kitten With A Whip. The whole chain of bad to worse events could have easily been prevented by a simple call to the police. He’d make an excellent state senator!
Other names worth noting:
Fingers O’Toole from Catalina Caper (Pratfalling private eye)
Martian henchmen from Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
That Paperchase Guy from Warrior of the Lost World
The henchmen and thugs from Angel’s Revenge
Most of the characters many of you find to be stupid are not as unintelligent as they are foolish, emotionally unstable or annoying. For example, #95, the Linda Evans character’s decision to mate with Mitchell wasn’t dumb so much as it was, well… icky. Torgo is definitely one of the least cerebral fellows one might hope NOT to encounter. However, I think you are all missing a perfect example of the none-too-bright in overlooking the one named Eegah. I mean, seriously, he only knew one word and it was his own damn name! He’d been alive since before the dawn of history and his only accomplishment was to draw 10-15 crappy pictures on the walls of a cave he shared with his way dead relatives that he still talked to! Can there be any dumber character than he? I think not. So endeth the lesson. Go in peace.
Gumby from “Robot Rumpus” was stupid even for a piece of clay.