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Weekend Discussion Thread: Darwin Awards–MST3K EditionAnother example of a WDT coming out of this week’s episode guide entry:
“Kansas” said:
To which “Sitting Duck” replied:
Good idea!! I’d pick the various people who hurl themselves against Tor in “Bride of the Monster.” Don’t make me laugh. What’s your pick? 61 Replies to “Weekend Discussion Thread: Darwin Awards–MST3K Edition”Commenting at Satellite News
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Tempted to go with the classic Forrest Tucker “call in an airstrike on the building I am occupying,” from #101.
However, Mitchell’s gasoline rag magic trick probably takes the cake. What kind of cop are you, practicing self-immolation in order to get your guy? The kind of cop who gets things done. After 10 cans of Schlitz.
Amazing Colossol Man –
Imagine you are a medical technician working on a secret government project. The boss man says let’s go ram a six foot long hypodermic needle into the shin of a sixty foot tall giant and then stand there and watch what happens. What could go wrong?
Anyone who failed to run away from The Creeping Terror.
Michael of Manos fame. Why are you taking your family into a Torgo-infested house? Why would you NOT flee immediately upon first talking to him? How could one person make so many wrong decisions? I can’t really believe the Master would find him a very useful caretaker; I bet Michael would end up getting lost in the desert, fall over the edge of a mesa, or simply blow up the oven baking potatoes while the Master was off communing with Manos.
Mr. Beardsley!!!!!!!!
Mikey from ‘Teenage Strangler.’ let’s face it, ANYTIME he walks out the door is an ‘oh dear heaven, what happened to him?’ event waiting to happen..
I’d vote for any of the idiots who thought putting Gorgo in a circus in the heart of London was a great idea. Granted, I don’t think we see Mr. Dorkin die, but I like to think he got lynched by the surviving Londoners.
Wow, so many worthy candidates, so little time. I nominate Dr. Manfred in The Deadly Bees: breed a race of killer bees, keep a huge colony of them inside your own house, then invite clumsy pyromaniac Vicky over — what could possibly go wrong?
Frank and Betty, LAST CLEAR CHANCE. Despite repeated warnings from his parents and police, Frank chooses to drive immediately in the path of a freight train.
Joe and Helen, THE DAYS OF OUR YEARS. Horny Joe is in a rush to get some from Helen so he proceeds to flip a truck and nearly kill his passengers. As a result he is a head brace(?) for the rest of his life. Helen is included because even though she got a “Get Out of Jail” card, she proceeded to marry him anyway.
Union Pacific Railroad should be the sponsor of this award with so many clumsy employees.
in GAMERA VS. GUIRON, the two kids that decide it would be a good idea to get in a spaceship and fly away in it.
tragic news from the Fukuyama prefecture today:
earlier this week, local authoritarian and sometime idiot Officer Cornjob was found dead in his one room ‘threatening loner’ shack near the Hirohito National Park and very little Recreational preserve. while reports are still sketchy about the officer’s demise, it is believed that his death can be ruled as ‘extremely shameful and foolish.’ after a thorough 5 minute investigation by the Ministry of Bureaus, Cornjob was relieved of his Ken-do Boko sword and sweat removal cloth. Officer Cornjob’s casket will be drawn by two local boys on their bike. a very small elderly woman will mount one of the bikes in an illegal and shameful fashion to express their disdain for law enforcement.he will be cremated by a giant flying turtle and his ashes will be scattered across the wooded preserve that he often stalked at night. Richard Burton will present a 21 dart gun salute. all attendees are welcome to partake in the do nut party afterwards, where the new officer Cornjobhelper will be sworn in.
Yes, Kenny, I’m sure that the huge monster turtle that is currently destroying large sections of Japan means no harm. Of course he’ll be nice and welcome you if you slip away from the adults and head over to where he is roasting an entire city block and killing dozens of innocent people. I mean, what could go wrong with that?
(Of course, it’s astonishing that the little brat didn’t get himself killed. He was almost begging for it to happen.)
Cabbage Patch Elvis (Tom Nelson) decides to take on a 7 foot caveman one on one. “I’ll just punch him in the stomach a few times. That will work!”
Davy from San Francisco International. Of all the things one could attempt to do without any experience or training whatsoever, flying a plane is a pretty idiotic choice.
Alternatively, Tim from Boggy Creek is practically begging to start a forest fire when he’s fueling the generator. “Good, make sure you get LOTS on the grass…”
The muggee in the beginning of The Wild World of Batwoman who (holding no weapon)
says to the two muggers with guns “If you want it come and take it.” Long story short, they did.
The guy who leaves the clone farm looking for Milwaukee, and then returns to the clone farm only to have Super Mario and fake Darren give him and his chick a lobotomy.
GF suggests- Jody from Touch of Satan paid a high price for his ZA tour- what with Grandma applehead’s nightly visits, drinking Peanut? Cider, and, selling his soul so he can get seconds from frumpy Rhoda look a like.
“Time Chasers”: Nick decides to get away from Gencorp’s security by driving away in a stolen car. Oh wait, he only knows how to ride a bike!
Onodera in ‘Gamera Vs Barugon’ for stealing that diamond during a monster attack and then steering his boat right by Barugon. He deserved to be tongued to death. (Ew.)
Yeah, the old guy who got killed moments before retirement because he was standing on a freight car impersonating a wacky arm-waving inflatabe tube man while a locomotive sped straight toward him wasn’t exactly a paragon of safety. At some point it MIGHT make sense to lie down and hang on to the railing.
in all fairness, how was he to know that George would think of Mamie Eisenhower at that PRECISE moment?
I’m nominating Joe Doakes from X Marks the Spot. Sadly, his spirit lives on in millions.
Overdrawn at the Memory Bank:
The Controller’s big idea to lock Fingal out of the program was to just write the password backwards.
Megaweapon- designed to be indestructible, yet, Paper chase guy climbs underneath and cuts a couple wires and- Kaboom.
Those who stayed in the Bronx despite knowing guys with flamethrowers would come around and torch them. They could’ve found somewhere other than New Mexico to go if that was the problem.
I dunno, I’d have to give it to Colonel Glenn Manning in the first place:
So let’s say you’re in the army. You’re supposedly a well-trained officer who has risen to the rank of Colonel, to the point where you’re part of a trusted team observing the effects of a highly experimental and secret new bomb in a test environment. After the bomb fails to go off (which, I might add, is a RIDICULOUSLY dangerous situation even with conventional explosives) and your commanding officer has given your team explicit instructions to stay put until the technicians know the bomb won’t simply go off late, an unidentified plane loses control and crashes in the blast zone.
What do you do? Do you remember your military training, drawing on your years of experience when “S ENTER[ED] KOREAN WA”, follow orders, wait for the bomb to be declared clear, and NOT pointlessly put yourself in mortal danger at the hands of an ungodly powerful weapon being tested right in front of your face?
Nope! What you do is blatantly disobey orders, rush out to find this most-likely-already-dead pilot, get caught in the bomb’s explosion, and become a colossal nuclear freak, obviously!
Didn’t even find the pilot or the plane. Poor dope.
Then there’s the whole gang in Women of the Prehistoric Planet. Instead of walking
across the log over the tiny poisonous lake they could have gone 2-3 feet around it.
What about senator John Forsythe from Kitten With a Whip?
The entire movie would have been about 15 minutes long if it wasn’t for his overwhelming stupidity and insistence upon putting his head right back in the noose every time he has an obvious opportunity to escape.
Luckily, that idiot had a spare.
I’ve watched that episode so many times, I love it myself, that I’ve swung around to the point where I understand why he doesn’t really try anything. It’s easy for us armchair quarterbacks to act like we would be some badass one-man vigilante type but clearly the character has never dealt with crazy kids like that and is completely overwhelmed. Heck just being threatened with accusations of rape would make me crap my pants, but then add the smug, pontificating poli-sci major thug and I’d be looking for the nearest Imogene Coca strip show too.
There are so many idiots in MST3K films the better question would be name the movies that don’t have one. There aren’t many choices.
Nice – I don’t think there is any way to top this one.
However, special bonus “Edge of the Herd Lifetime Achievement” awards go to those gene-pool rejects who DELIBERATELY CLIMBED HEAD FIRST into the maw of this ponderously innocuous “creature”. Sheesh. :snicker: :smirk: :struggle:
Not really fair. The clones all had about a second-grade level of education.
There weren’t actually houses in NM. They were just using that as bait to round people up and kill them.
I suppose I’ll throw in the Janitor from Hobgoblins. Let’s ignore that he threw his life away as as a security guard sitting on a secret that could have seen him fabulously rich WITHOUT the hobgoblins interfering, he leaves the vault unlocked as well as two or three doors between the vault and the outside world.
http://caps.pictures/200/9-monsters-vs-aliens/full/monsters-vs-aliens-disneyscreencaps.com-1161.jpg
CaptainSpam – “I dunno. I’d have to give it to Colonel Glenn Manning in the first place.”
Too right about that, Captain. First class stupidity, military disobedience, and turning a bad situation into world class FUBAR, but consider this my nitrate preserved friend. How do you suppress the giggling at the other guy’s funeral with that giant hypo sticking up out of the coffin lid?
I would pick either the minions of Krankor who kept attacking Prince of Space even after it became clear that he was immune to their weapons. My second choice would be those kids and parents from The Beast of Yucca Flats. The kids just wander around the desert with no water, even without a beast on the loose this is incredibly stupid the parents take their time discovering the kids are missing and then the dad, knowing a guy just tried to gun him down leaves his wife alone, with no shelter in the desert.
I’d have to say the female victim in ‘Warewilf’ who decides not to at least walk briskly through the mud puddle to escape. Close second are all the people who decide to crawl into the carpet’s butt in ‘The Creeping Terror’. Ooops!
All the characters in various movies who just scream and cower while the monster/dinosaur/giant insect slowly moves in for the kill. For instance Sid Melton in “Lost Continent”, the “horribly mangled in a way no one had ever seen before” guys in “Monster A Go-Go”, the mute guy eaten by grasshoppers in “The Beginning of the End”, etc. etc.
Also, totally agree about the dad from Manos. He drives up to a random shack in the middle of the desert, is greeted by a clearly disturbed and unwelcoming homeless guy who babbles about “the Master” and says that they can’t stay, his own wife tries to convince him to leave, and yet still he insists on forcing the deranged bum to take his family in for the night. How stupid can you get??
Honorable Mention goes to Big Stupid, from “The Girls In Lover’s Lane”. He basically frames himself for Carrie’s murder and almost gets killed by a vigilante mob.
Then there’s the Thomas Dewey look-alike in “The Brute Man” who manages to pull a fast one on the brute-man, wounds him, and then stupidly gets within strangling range.
It’s MSTie-adjacent, but the now-classic Rifftrax short Shake Hands With Danger is basically Darwin Awards: The Movie.
To continue my trend where every other comment I make involves “Girl in Gold Boots” and/or “Monster A-Go Go”:
1. Poor, stupid Michelle, who could not identify “scumbag who peddles drugs” or “scumbag who seeks to pimp her about town” amongst her social group any better if they’d had signs hung around their necks.
2. The entire ensemble cast of “Monster A-Go Go” got quite dangerously close to the irradiated corpses left in Not-Douglas’ wake. Not a hint of protective gear is to be seen in the film, (except near the end where it suddenly is required). Luckily for them, this movie is stupid. I mean, they had “radiation repellant spray”, or whatever.
Then again, perhaps these stand against the Darwin Award, considering their survival defies natural selection.
Unnamed Mole – Ep. 803. The Mole People
When Agar and Ward are escaping from the moles about half-way into the movie, Agar tosses a sword to Ward who then simply holds it out at arms length.
Simultaneously, our pale sentry, whose motivations remain, sadly, lost to history, decides the appropriate course of action is to, naturally, run at top-speed into the blade length while Hugh Beaumont just stands there, our pale exemplar hence skewering himself utterly on the sword, running himself through, leading, presumably to his inglorious demise…
Because when you’re ordered to take someone captive your first instinct should be to immediately run at full speed into a sharp object.
*shouldn’t.
The Daddy Warbucks character in She Creature. When the monster attacks him in the office, there is a desk between them that the stuntman – I mean monster – obviously can’t get around. So rich guy helpfully goes around the desk, so that he is in range of the creature’s claw.
The female scientist in King Dinosaur who rips up the photograph definitively proving the existence of the titular character while shouting “no one will believe us anyway!”
Remember those Something Awful animated shorts in the early Rifftrax Live shows? Turns out the guy who animated them, “Shmorky” is a total sicko and pedo. Here Lowtax let that guy animate about his daughter, eww. I will have a hard time rewatching those live shows now. Good thing the Rifftrax live shows do not involve Something Awful anymore. https://kiwifarms.net/threads/shmorky-david-kelly-daisy-kay-sandypants-peaches-the-puppy-ex-fiance-amanda-mandy-mullen.23467/
https://encyclopediadramatica.se/Shmorky
From The Film Crew the handsome (but dumb as bricks) guys from one island
who were instantly captured in about 5 seconds each by the cute chicks…come to think of
it, maybe the guys weren’t that stupid after all.
Billy from LaserBlast.
Every single decision he makes is designed to speed his demise. Plus, unlike many nominees here, he does in fact die, which is a prerequisite for winning the Darwin Award.