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Weekend Discussion Thread: The Biggest Jerks in MSTed MoviesDuring the episode guide discussion, the commenters got into a discussion about which of the characters was the biggest jerk. And commenter “Robot Rump!” asked:
We had a “smuggest” character thread, but that’s not the same thing, really. So let’s have it. Name as many as you like. I am going to go immediately to Dr. Carlo Lombardi, such a towering jerk that the jerk store called, and they’re out of him. (Just thought I’d get that one out of the way.) Who would you pick? 126 Replies to “Weekend Discussion Thread: The Biggest Jerks in MSTed Movies”Commenting at Satellite News
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Well, the first one that came to mind is the reviewer from MERLIN’S SHOP; setting aside the question of what he reviews exactly (Shops?) and the fact a good reviewer doesn’t go around announcing himself (“I review places like this so you’d better kiss my a$$ or I’ll attack you in print!”), he goes out of his way to be utterly hateful to what he believes is a deluded old man, just to show how superior he considers himself.
Mike from MANOS came in second. The man doesn’t make a single correct decision all through the movie and doesn’t seem to realize it.
Two I haven’t seen mentioned: Mister Krasner from THE DEAD TALK BACK, who’s bizarrely arrogant with absolutely no good reason to be (“I’m making a machine that can TALK TO THE DEAD! Yes, I am! Except, it doesn’t quite work yet. But it will! Then you’ll all be sorry!”) and the narrators for some of the shorts, especially the guy in the CHEATING short who seems to take great pleasure in watching dumb little Johnny crash and burn.
I’m choosing a minor example from a short, because every time I see it I wanna smack this guy (in fact, I often skip the short for just this reason): The dad from “Money Talks”. He gets on his son’s case about needing a budget without making any attempt to show him HOW. Then, when the son talks to his dad about how he’s learned to keep a budget (which he learned to do from SOMEONE ELSE), the dad reacts by saying, “We’ll see how long that lasts.” He doesn’t encourage him or, again, offer him HELP, he makes fun of him. What a tool.
The titular parents in I Accuse My Parents. Also, all the booze, just demanding to be drank. Also, Jimmy and what’s her name, the blonde. Basically, the only non-jerk in that whole episode was the… man, they were all jerks.
Farrah Fawcett from Zombie Nightmare.
The red bearded boss of Professor Steiner (Bryant Haliday) in ‘The Projected Man’. He was such an A-hole!
He canceled Steiner’s project just so he could use the saved money to build a second bathroom! Granted, his chances of success were “one in crap-dillion”, but he began making great progress once Professor Hill showed up to help.
Ross Allen from ‘Catching Trouble’. Not only a jerk but a jerk who films himself being a jerk to small baby animals.
“If you enjoyed any part of this short there’s something wrong with you.”
@#7 “To me, the most utterly LOATHSOME character ever were the kids in Kitten With A Whip, particularly Ann Margaret’s character Jody.”
Hear, hear! Jody is an überjerk. Along with Father Dude for getting everyone killed/almost killed.
Mr Tropp from Untamed Youth. Bought an election to get the judge that sentences kids to his slave labor camp. Attempts to rape Maimie Van Doren, feeds the kids dog food, and takes 60% of neighboring farms’ crop with more slave labor smuggled in from Mexico.
Seriously, is there any bigger a****** in all of MST land?
Cabot? Cabot! CABOT! CABOT?!
I think a list of characters who don’t act like jerks would be shorter.
But as an animal lover Ross Allen wins, hands down.
Has anyone mentioned the redneck husband from Giant Spider Invasion? Eck, lactating jerk. (don’t turn on the light!)
I can’t believe no ones said this yet:
The biggest jerk in MSTidom is without a doubt Voldar from SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS. He’s anti-joy and anti-fun! He tried to kill those kids! AND Santa!! Voldar is the biggest jerk on Mars!
:alien: BAH!
lol #47 Eddie was a jerk for sure, but sometimes puns ARE worthy of violence. “I shaved this morning and got a Nick” EEEeeesh. I’m with Eddie!
@# Yeah, he’s the worst! Isn’t there a change his actions lead to the death of the little blonde girl?
In “The Touch of Satan” Melissa’s actions put Jody’s life in danger, and her seductive quailties (?) hand-deliver his soul to the devil. And all because she’s lonely–Melissa, if you’re that lonely, spend more time with your ancient sister, she’s always fun!
The “Undead” scientist, whose hypnotism sends an unsuspecting hooker into a dreary past life. He’s so pompous that he doesn’t care whether her past self decides to get out or to STAY and get killed, it’s all the same to him, he just finds it entertaining.
In “Skydivers” Susie and her dumb boyfriend kill for spite.
In “Devil Doll” the Great Vorelli tortures Hugo–before and after he moves his soul into an ugly dummy–for fun and profit. And alibis, I guess.
Mooney and co. don’t care what happens to their talented pal’s career and freedom in “Beatnicks,” they just want to keep him as their playmate in crime.
From Beast of Yucca Flats, I nominate the the drab Dust Bowl Mom for biggest jerk because she wouldn’t let Randy and Art feed soda pop to the coyote. At least she implied that. Maybe I should nominate the eponymous Beast instead. He was a jerk to everyone except the rabbit.
Absolutely agree with Yuri in “Werewolf”…Natalie says so: “You is a jerk!”
I would like to nominate Paul from 106: The Crawling Hand. Especially the way he treats his hot Swedish girlfriend. And didn’t he end up convicted of murdering his wife for real in the Phillipines?
206: Ring of Terror. The guy who thinks he can do humorous impressions of foreign accents. Kill him!
513: The Brain That Wouldn’t/Couldn’t Die. Egotistical, sexist, psychotic Dr. Jerk.
622: Angels’ Revenge. The two guys waiting for the cocaine drop on the beach. Hmmm…Seems like a lot of the jerks in these movies were male sexist pigs…Which brings us to:
802: Leech Woman’s endocrinologist extraordinaire Dr. Paul Talbot! Well, not too far behind is his wife, who changes from a codependent alchoholic spouse into a predatory evil jerk after her fountain of youth cocktail.
And I will finish with 1002: Girl In Gold Boots’ Icky Elf Guy! Although we can cut him a little slack because he was just a child. I lied about being finished: Michelle’s dad was a totally disgusting drunk abusive jerk!
Yuri from Werewolf, followed closely by the van guy from Hobgoblins. Those two deserve each other :p
Maybe a stretch, but Crenshaw from Boggy Creek II. Abducts and starves (and does god-knows-what else to) a baby Legend. Jerk.
(I made two mistakes in my first post. # should be post #58. Change “change” to chance. Typos…I’m such a jerk.)
So many good choices.
Dr. Carlo Lombardi and The Great Vorelli are two hateful characters.
J.C. is a jerk too, and also hateful, but he’s also poorly written, along with the rest of the movie. I think that, in real life, a fellow like J.C. would have gotten his butt handed to him by the cops, especially back in the 1960s.
I agree regarding Sheriff Geronimo. Also, I recently watched the original Walking Tall movies. I liked them and I found Joe Don Baker to be quite a good actor in the first movie. I think Final Justice should’ve had this riff, “Walking Tall was a long time ago.” This is in the same vein as the “How Green Was My Valley was a long time ago,” riff regarding Roddy McDowell in the movie Laserblast.
Anyway, back to the jerks. I nominate Captain Santa Clause from Space Mutiny. If we’re to believe the opening narration telling us the back story, then the whole mutiny is partly his fault.
Mr. Haskins from The Brute Man…! YOU GIVE ME THE CREEPS! & J.K. Robertson from Time Chasers
Not from one of the movies, but Orville Popcorn was a downright posterior….
The only person not a jerk in I Accuse My Parents was Jack Taylor.
Dad is an ass who laughs at his wife treats her like crap, ignores his son; mom is a lush too concerned with her next drink, Kitty can’t walk into the damn shoe store to look at the shoes on her own (and then she orders everyone to be happy in their work), Jimmy’s classmates laugh at him, the mob boss lies to him and smacks him around, the diner owner forces him to go to church and then go back to Kitty to confess something. But Jack Taylor was always happy to have uninvited guests over at any time, day or night. Jack Taylor deserves a “non-jerk” award.
“Word on the street is you’re a jerk.”
Jeez, there’s just so many of ’em. Here’s a few of my faves, right off the top of my head:
The Paper Chase Guy in Warrior Of The Lost World. This clown could give a rat’s ass less about pretty much anything. He only agrees to rescue that chick’s dad after she pulls a gun on him. What a dickweed.
The Grumpy Mission Commander in King Dinosaur. The blond doctor is attacked by the mutant alilgator, they drag him to safety, and the GMC starts shoving the women and snarling “Get the canteen! GET THE CANTEEN!” Then, of course, as the astronauts flee in panic from the island after they set the atomic time bomb, we see him shoving the women around again. What a dickweed.
The Dad in Manos. Have you ever seen such an incompetent rube presented as a “hero” in any movie you’ve ever seen? He’s obviously lost on the back roads to the Valley Lodge, yet he refuses to turn around and retrace his route to the highway. The house is obviously the manifestation of a phantom doorway to the mouth of Hell, but he decides to drag his wife and kid in to spend the night. What a dickweed.
That One Scientist in Monster A Go-Go. First, he shoots up the astronaut with twice the normal dosage of “radiation repellent”. Then, after the astronaut returns to Earth as a homicidal mutant, the Scientist decides to secretly keep him in a friggin’ closet in the lab while he tests an experimental antidote on him. “I don’t have a precision mind…!” he whines when his activities are discovered. F’cripesake, man, you’re a friggin’ scientist! What a dickweed.
The cop(s) who shot Ted Nelson to death in THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN. He was only trying to protect his friend.
You know who’s a real jerk? Tonya’s friend in “Boggy Creek 2,” the girl whose hair looked like a fright wig. Why does she even come along on their camping trip if all she’s going to do is complain. In fact, Tonya’s a jerk for inviting her. The doctor’s a jerk too because he shoots the creature the first time he sees it. Tim is the only non-jerk.
“I’m a Grimwold warrior!”
No you’re not. You’re a jerk. A sissybritches jerk.
I nominate Coleman Francis. He is a jerk for making crappy movies. I cannot emphasize it enough Jerk, jerk jerky jerk jerk.
Lousy painful nonsense movies. Lousy actor as well! :pain: :pain: :pain: :pain: :pain: :pain: :pain: :pain: :pain: :pain: :pain: :pain: :pain: :pain: :pain: :pain:
Dan Kester from The Giant Spider Invasion. One of the biggest MST3K jerks. You cheer when the spider eats him.
Just about every lead male in “Attack of the Eye Creatures”. The exception would be “Dern Smoochers! Get off me land!” Guy.
Oh, “Lou Reed” from “Tormented” was also a jerk.
Charles B Pierce- his smug, know-it-allness and his really poorly written, directed, produced, and acted vessel BC2TLC was a hate crime against all of humanity! A close second is Yuri from Werewolf.
#78
But Coleman Francis did pose the provocative question:
“Flag on the Moon. How did it get there?”
(Makes ya think. Don’t it?)
JK Robertson in Time Chasers used the transport to bring about the war that ends civilization and he doesn’t seem to care.
And Voldar in Santa Claus conquers the Martians was a jerk to everyone.
@#72- Yes- I agree about Jack Taylor. Me and the GF just came back from an all nighter at Jack Taylor’s place. I have met jerks, and, Jack Taylor is not a jerk.
To everyone who got to Ross Allan’s sorry, jerky, all around hideous kiester before I did, I couldn’t agree more. What a jack hole. Even though I’m sure the whole short was staged (as Tom suggests when he points out the coincidence of a camera underwater just when the bear escapes), that’s no excuse to torture animals. That screaming bear cub just made every cell in my body hurt. The host segment where Joel and the bots take sweet revenge is one of my favorites of the entire series. But Ross deserved more. Maybe they should have tossed the cage out the airlock.
Also, definitely Tom Stuart from Tormented. This guy not only cheats on his girlfriend, but let’s his new squeeze fall to her death to avoid letting the truth get out. And then, in order ro keep the secret, he kills AGAIN! And THEN, as if that weren’t contemptible enough, he is willing to murder a little girl to save his own pasty hide! “Jerk” might not be a strong enough word for this moron.
And, of course, I’m with #26… that load from Zombie Nightmare is utterly contemptible. He thinks he’s all that, but anyone who wastes perfectly good pasta by throwing it at their mom (and cursing at them), enjoys creaming pedestrians in their car (while scouting for sleazy chicks, no less!), and boasts loudly about his, well… endowment to perfect strangers at a family ice cream shop is the textbook definition of “jerk”. If only we had the pleasure of seeing his gruesome death by baseball bat impairment that was cut from the film… well, maybe not. :)
Impairment?! *impaling* :)
Vandinho in Puma Man. Apparently we need to overlook the fact he killed numerous people by tossing them out windows before finding the real Pyoooma Man.
Also, Donald Pleasance’s outfit deserves an honorable mention.
So many jerks, so little time.
Russell Johnson’s character from “The Space Children.” Treats his step son like his personal whipping boy, disappoints his Jack Daniels distributor (although not the audience), and is just an all-around unlikeable guy.
Betty from “High School Big Shot.” A person whom it is better not to ever meet. Uses her sex to bamboozle Pittman’s character into destroying his future, and her lunk-headed boyfriend into committing murder. All for what? So she could leave that drink-water town? Couldn’t she afford a bus ticket?
Troxartis from “Deathstalker, and the Warriors from Hell.” Will do anything in his quest to rule the world. Here’s a man who would not recognize when he has enough. He’s willing to kill both his wife (the princess) and his mistress, if they stand in the way of his conquest. And, he’s a more formidable soul taker than “Soultaker.”
Jack Palance’s character in “Deathstalker.” The queen said it perfectly: “You disgusting worm.”
Gee, there are so many!
Off the top of my head, Mooney from The Beatnicks always struck me as a “class-A” jackass.
Dan Kester from Giant Spider Invasion is also at the top of the list, as others have said.
The husband, Eric Whitlock, from The Screaming Skull is quite the scumbag.
#87- Vadinho didn’t throw anybody but Tony out a window. That was Kobras’ henchmen trying to find the Pumaman. Vadinho tossed Tony because he knew Tony was the Pumaman,
Oh, and almost forgot Paula Parkins from The Violent Years – nice looking (despite the moustache) but quite the ahole (“so what”).
I left the thread, turned off my computer, started thinking about episodes and was gobsmacked when my wife mentioned “Racket Girls.” Darn it all, could there be a bigger jerk than Monk? He was playing his boss off against Mr. Big so that he could milk as much payola as possible. He blackmailed the till-dipping girl, and still ratted on her. What a jerk! (“She used to like in a cheap hotel, and now she lives in a sank apartment.”
It is with great pride that I bestow this honor to…..
….MITCHELL!
These are all great choices. I would add Gloria from The Sinister Urge, Sumuru from the Million Eyes of “Herself”, Valmont from Diabolik, and Hobgoblins, that movie is a collective entity of jerkness.
I would say Dr. Lockhart from Bogey Creek, but he’s more of the smug type.
#88 Slartibartfast, Maker of Fjords said:
“Jack Palance’s character in “Deathstalker.” The queen said it perfectly: “You disgusting worm.””
–
That would be OUTLAW, not DEATHSTALKER, that you’re thinking of there, bud.
Eric Whitlock in The Screaming Skull.
So he snuffs his first wife, then marries Jenni, a vulnerable woman who has spent time in an asylum, then stages her murder to be a suicide.
Jerk.
how about that jerk in teenage caveman “the word is the law, and law is the word”
Fingal in Overdrawn at the Memory bank. He causes worldwide havoc, with blizzards and tornadoes all because he was justly punished for slacking off on the job. Also he’s supposed to be the hero What the heck is up with that.
Nick from Time Chasers-He steals a car, wrecks it, and gets away scot-free, he also ruins a guy’s career and is idiotic and perhaps greedy enough to sell his time travel software to a company that advertises on late night TV, Castleton jerk indeed.
Amy from Hobgoblins-A horrible frigid non-supportive shrew she belittles Kevin for losing a fight with an army guy and just acts like a freaking diva. I like Crow’s line, “Okay, grab a rake let’s go.”
Yuri- He is a greedy bast-rd who beats up on a worker, almost killing him and turns the writer guy (Paul?) into a werewolf, all for fame and profit.
Mitchell- He sleeps with a hooker, and then turns around and arrests her twice for having grass, leaves an old lady stranded at the docks, and shoots a person who for all he knew was just investigating gunshots. When he got beaten up and had trash poured over him I cheered.
Basically everybody in “I Accuse My Parents”.
Oh, man, how could I possibly have forgotten:
Dr. Bill Cortner from The Brain That Wouldn’t Die. It’s not that he’s doing transplant experiments, it’s the way he goes about it. He steals limbs from amputee operations. He strings along his weasly, craven ex-surgeon assistant with glowing promises of a new and properly-functioning arm. He patches together this wretched, hideous homicidal beast from body parts and Neck Juice™ v1.0. He drives recklessly to his Dad’s country place, has a horrific accident and kills his fiancé. Granted, he manages to keep his fiancé’s head alive with Neck Juice™ v2.0 while he searches for a new body, but his search for a new body involves stalking women on the street, cruising strip clubs and beauty contests and telling elaborate lies to an art model. What a dickweed.