If you’re like me, and I know I am, then you enjoy movie trailers that begin with “In a world where…”. So, why not use that style for a MSTIED movie?
“In a world where concierges have goat legs and speech impediments, one man must do battle with The Master for the immortal souls of his wife, his daughter, and his poodle…”
I’m going to expand this to allow any sort typical trailer verbiage. Such as…
“A simple town in the Swiss Alps. [dun DUN] A creeping mist. [dun DUN] A cloud descends. [bwaaaaaaa] It sees you…”
What’s yours?
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The trailer for The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy parodies that.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MbGNcoB2Y4I
“It was supposed to be a routine after-the-honeymoon drive home, but then the badly done reverse-footage rocket showed up…and everything changed. See The Creeping Terror and experience for yourself slow-moving shag rugs, boring dances gone boringly wrong, make-out sessions with less passion and excitement than you’ve ever thought possible! Imagine the horrors of a boy and his grandpa attacked by a strange creature, then keep imagining, because you won’t really see anything like that here! Can you keep YOUR routine from changing when you watch The Creeping Terror and you feel yourself sliding into sleep?”
A lone warrior. A devastated Earth. A million bubble machine. Why did THESE people survive? Is it real or just a dream?
….’To be like the Human….’
‘Robot Monster’ coming this summer….
In a world where apes evolved from peo…oh wait, that’s been done.
“There exists a creature…a creature lost in time and forgotten by man…..a creature that is now rampaging, terrorizing a countryside. Only one man and his talented team of academics can unravel the mystery and track the beast down before it attacks again. This summer, the legend continues…”
Ok, these are fun, how about another?
“In a world where thugs run rampant in the city, controlled by an evil mastermind, only one mysterious crime-fighter and her cadre of cover-girls can put the ca bosh on his capers! Mutants! Mad scientists! Mood Manipulation! Mechanized mischief! This summer all of this – and more – can be found in…. The Wild Wild World of…BATWOMAN!”
In a world ruled by indeterminate accents and hairstyles, there exists a skeleton so deadly that a mere touch from it turns men into slavering beasts. SEE Rock Em Sock Em archeologists! HEAR two women screaming when only one is attacked! FEEL the terror of Sam the Caretaker! BE ebzolootly fessinated! Don’t miss…… WAHR-WILF. I mean WEREWOLF.
Hmmm…
“It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Happiness, goodwill. A time for family and friends. Until….a TERRIBLE ALIEN THREAT arises from across the cosmos. Their mission: to rob us of the source of all our joys and hopes.
Now, it’s up to St. Nick to defeat the aliens and show them the true meaning of Christmas! And if some interplanetary butt has to be kicked, then it…gets…KICKED!
SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS. Coming this December.”
Or, to try another style…
“They were on a nice, easy mission. Just float around and watch the skies. Maybe do some science stuff. Until…(record scratch) ‘Who forgot to pack the oxygen?’
Join the wackiest, unluckiest spaceship and its hapless crew. And watch the wackiest, unluckiest guys at NASA try to get them home before the boss finds out. The fun starts when you end up…MAROONED!
Coming this summer. Don’t hold your breath, though.”
……On a peaceful ranch in southern California. Terror will emerge from the bowels of the earth. Gideon Drew, condemned to a torment of hundreds of years, will return searching for his lost body. And standing in his way? A drunk, an octogenarian, and a wuss. See “The Thing that Couldn’t Die”! Or Gideon Drew may come for you!
Some kid in a dessert town. A laser beam of destruction. And aliens who will hunt down whoever tries to steal it. Don’t miss the movie nobody’s talking about, LASERBLAST. Coming this summer, to a total of 14 theaters in the U.S.
“In a world filled with distrust, deception, and death, one boy must risk everything to save the life of an innocent alien visitor. Film Ventures International presents, E.T. The Extraterrestrial! …oops, wait, I mean, Pod People!”
In a world where the men’s skirts are shorter than the women’s and the women are equipped with airbags or really big braziers. A world where apes evolve from saber tooth tigers and everything is swallowed in A SAND STORM of DEEP HURTING!!! Yes, it’s time to sing the praises of pants, and see, “Hercules vs. the Moon Men.” This Summer at theaters that have no pride.
“A world, devastated by…something. A spaceship of survivors heading…somewhere. A mutiny brewing…in space. Only one man can save the Southern Son. This summer, David Ryder faces humanity’s greatest nemesis, Kalgon. Remember, in space…no one can hear your golf cart.”
“In a sleepy Vermont town, the secret of time travel has been unlocked by a Castelton graduate. A ruthless businessman seeks to exploit the discovery. This fall, you will believe that Vermont will become the center of the apocalypse as two men chase each other across time and Vermont. TIME CHASERS, coming this Labor Day weekend.”
“In a world where robots have been created to serve, rebellion is rising. One man must leave his normal everyday life to answer the call and save his family from an unstoppable menace. DreamWorks Classics presents Art Clokey’s Robot Rumpus!”
Okay, you have to imagine the trailer making quick cuts to the scenes where each line is spoken, and then a thrilling montage toward the end:
Three desperate men… (“We been up da river.”)
One distant war… (“Bay of… PIGS.”)
How far will they go..? (“I’ll snap his neck.”)
To achieve their vague objective..? (“Once we get that money in our hands we’ll catch a lo-o-o-ng freight train.”)
Universal Studios in association with Hollywood Pictures presents a Tony Cordoza Film (cue “Night Train to Mundo Fine” music):
Coleman Francis… (“Drainpipe. Dug up some dirt.”)
Tony Cordoza… (“We get cash. Cherokee said…”)
Harold Saunders… (“Guard. Water. Sick man.”)
Featuring John Carradine… (“He ran a-a-all the way to hell.”)
And Sgt. Justine’s wife… (“His green pants meant the world to him.”)
Red Zone Cuba (“I don’t care if Moses gave it to you.”)
This fall.
Ambien Films, Limited presents:
A film by Europe’s famed slease-master Jess Franco… featuring no T&A… and a villain so banal, his glacial plot to freeze the oceans will leave you frozen in your seat!
The Castle of Fu-Manchu
In theaters now … and in the bargain bin at Walmart in two weeks.
He thought he knew what was best…He was wrong.
One simple wish brought him down into a nightmare world.
Watch as one man’s soul is destroyed by a case of…
SPRING FEVER
–bweep-boop–
In a world where mysterious objects circle the earth, one man has been sent out into space to investigate.
But then… something went wrong. Radio silence. When his spacecraft finally landed, he was nowhere to be found. But that’s when people started to die, violently.
As the death toll rises, a desperate manhunt must be organized to find this mysterious menace before it kills again.
Who – or what – is this unstoppable killer? And how is it related to the fate of the missing astronaut? You literally won’t believe the answer!
B. I. & L. Releasing Corporation presents: Bill Rebane’s Monster A-Go Go!
In a world where pickle mines kick nipple beer…
In a world where goats and trout frolic freely…
In a world with a light-speed journey to the ghetto…
“Hey mister, is that a sack of monkeys in your pocket? I’ll get my sister.”
In a world with no idiot control…
POD PEOPLE. BEES ON PIE.
A road. A trucker. A turkey. Wing-ed bears. Peterbuilts in your honey pot. Can you survive the elusive bumpity-bump of Riding With Death?
In a world run amuck by supercilious narrating voices trying to get lucky
with Magic Voices focusing on their careers and giant robots obsessed with
Richard Basehart, you will find true horror with a mute Selling Wizard
coming on to a male voice extolling the virtues of various supermarket freezers.
(Rumor has it repeated viewing of it on tv was what drove Colonel Kurtz over the edge. He woke
up every day with the tv playing the Selling Wizard as he muttered, “I can’t believe
I’m still in Saigon”).
In a world with cultists run amok…rustic mountain men are unintelligible…and mullets are everywhere…one man wonders…is there beer on the sun? FINAL SACRIFICE…”Rowsdower?”
*scene opens on a pair of large, beefy hands holding an orange.*
One cop risks everything to bring down a drug cartel.
*scene shows the hands starting to peel an orange*
*cuts to Merlin Olsen and Martin Balsam arguing*
“The coffee is cold and you are a lousy butler.”
“I am not a lousy Butler!”
*hands continue to peel the orange*
*cuts to John Saxon*
“C’mon, let’s get some juice*
*close up of the hands and orange*
*cuts to Joe Don Baker in a car, talking to a child seated on a bicycle*
“Why are your repeating what I say?”
“Why are your repeating what I say?”
“I’m not.”
“Well, I’m not.”
“You are.”
“Buzz off.”
“What?”
“What?”
“What did you say?”
“What did you say?”
“Did you say something?”
“Did you say something?”
“You said buzz off.”
“You’re lying through your teeth.”
“You’re lying through your teeth!”
“Buzz off, huh?”
“Buzz off!”
“Buzz off, kid!”
*the screen fades to black. A gunshot rings out, followed by a scream*
*cuts back to the orange peel, discarded on a table*
*the screen fades to black; giant blood-red letters appear against the background*
MITCHELL!
“In a town…”
– shot of dark street –
“…ruled by fear.”
– girl gets strangled by assailant –
“And the law…”
– shot of police car –
“…cannot be trusted.”
– police captain harasses kids in diner –
“Two people will join forces…”
– shot of Betty and Mikey –
“…to find the truth.”
– Mikey: “And he didn’t steal no bike neither!” –
“This summer, you will go yipes when you see…”
– cars zoom past at 10 miles per hour –
“‘Teenage Strangler’!”
– girl gets strangled in the shower –
“Coming soon to this theater. Rated G.”
“Wisconsin. Badgers. Cheese. The Packers. But this summer, death crawls on eight legs.”
*scene cuts to Barbara Hale tumbling down a hill”
“VAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANCE!”
“A town caught in a web–OF TERROR.”
*scene cuts to Robert Easton hammering open the space rock*
“Diamonds!”
“A fortune–OF BLOOD.”
*scene cuts to Alan Hale and Steve Brodie*
“Our only hope lies with these two men.”
*scene cuts to the giant spider terrorizing the fair*
“THIS SUMMER, PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION. Brought to you by Volkswagen”
Corruption. Oppression.
In the midst of these injustices, a young man goes about his everyday life, unaware of his destiny.
And then, one day, he meets a mysterious old man with ancient knowledge and unusual fighting skills.
His life will never be the same again.
Film Ventures International proudly presents: Star Wars! …whoops, I mean, Master Ninja I!
In a world where vacations are suppose to be fun,comes a man and his family who stumble upon a cult…
A cult where they worship Manos
A cult with beautiful women wrestling in their gowns
A man goat by the name of Torgo
A cult ran by someone called The Master…..
Will the family escape?
Or will the cult make them one of their own??
Coming this summer…..
[A shot of wilderness with tribal drums: bum-bum]
Before the rise of civilization… [bum-bum, Ator riding a horse with Jeep tracks in the background]
A time when cruel and ignorant men ruled the land… [bum-bum, Mila captured on cavemen’s altar]
And old men made long boring speeches… [bum-bum, Akronis staring blankly into the distance]
There came one man [bum-bum, Ator writing]
And his sidekick [Thong throwing a fish]
Who would bring justice and peace… from above [Ator dropping bombs from hang-glider with flourish of dramatic music]
This summer, see the sequel to the blockbuster movie Ator, the Fighting Eagle: Cavé Dwellers
With Miles O’Keeffe [wrestling giant snake]
Lisa Foster [sighing with relief after the snake was killed]
That old guy [staring blankly into the distance]
and Thong [throwing a fish]
With special effects by ILM [Ator swordfighting invisible enemies]
In a world where murders can’t be solved by ordinary means, one man has a solution that will change things forever:
“We could even solve murders – by just contacting the murdered.”
One house. Eleven residents. One murder.
…and it’s the victim who’s being interrogated!
“Who is with us from the invisible? Please, tell us who you are.”
Critics are raving:
“Not since Moonraker has there been such an exciting opening sequence!”
Aldo Farnese is Mr. Krasker in: The Dead Talk Back
“In a strange, pop-art world somewhere in Europe, there’s a man.”
(Camera slowly zooms in on a shadowy figure in a skin-tight suit.)
“He’s a thief.”
(Figure steals bags of cash.)
“He’s a killer.”
(Figure kills guard on beach.)
“He’s a terrorist.”
(Train blows up.)
“He’s got some odd habits.”
(Love scene on cash.)
“And he’s the hero.”
(Close-up of masked figure laughing evilly.)
“He’s DIABOLIK,. And, apparently, we’re supposed to root for him.”
CAPTION: Stud is coming. Summer. 2015.
A lonely young boy. Shunned. Ridiculed. Lost. He reaches for a radio and awakens… Something…
“Who… Who are you?” “Natural’s the name! Mister B Natural!”
Male or female? Good or evil? What was its purpose?
“I’m here to awaken the spirit of music in you… AND you!”
MISTER B NATURAL! Just keep telling yourself, it’s only a film strip, it’s only a film strip…
In a world where walnut farmers (yes, walnut farmers) hide a terrible secret from the past, and their grandmother (maybe, it could be their great aunt or something, it isn’t really clear) should never be trusted with farm implements. In a town that cowers at the sound of “Booga Booga!”, one man will face the ultimate temptation. This summer you will learn where the fish lives, when you feel the TOUCH OF SATAN.
In a world filled with fantasy and enchantment, nobody could have foreseen the grim horrors which awaited them.
Wild creatures are captured and forced to dance on leashes for the amusement of the crowd.
Another creature is hunted and killed for sport – as the crowd watches and applauds.
A rare, endangered creature being kept in captivity is brutally disintegrated – by a volley of shots fired by young child soldiers.
And as the flashing blades whirl to a dizzy climax, life as we know it will never be the same again.
Warner Bros Pictures presents a Gordon Sparling production:
CIRCUS {whoosh} ON {whoosh} ICE
A timeless tale…
[closeups of barefeet running across the desert in slow-motion]
A tale of two star-crossed lovers…
Ken: Rita!
Rita: Ken!
Bound by a passion so strong even a forklift couldn’t break it…
[Ken pushing against the forklift]
Yet torn apart by the harsh realities of life…
Captain Joe: You’re stuck here! [manic laughter]
Love’s fugitive in an alien world…
[Ken walking alone somewhere]
Will he ever find love again?
Tammy: Ken! [with big toothy smile]
Come From Trees Pictures presents the romance of the summer: Fugitive Alien.
[Fades to black with I’m-in-love-with-a-guy-named-Ken music playing softly.]
And before we use Janeane Garafolo’s joke for the NTH time….have you ever heard a trailer use the IAW words in the last twenty years or so?
Have you ever heard ANY narrating Trailer Guy voice since the turn of the Millennium?
(Nowadays, they just cut sound bites and throw little easy slogans at us, three or four words at a time, with big “Slam!” sounds.
“(slam!) THE MASTER….(slam!) WOULD NOT….(slam!) BE PLEASED.” )
Now I’ve got to sit down and think how Touch of Satan would be cut as an indie Sundance Gen-Y romance, with nice ukelele music in the background…
In a world of carnival barkers, rollercoasters, and fortune-tellers, one man’s life is about to be changed… forever.
“I’ll try anything once.”
A fateful visit to a fortune-teller… and before he knows it, his mind is no longer his own.
{shot of the black & white spiral thingy hypnotizing him as his eyes roll dramatically}
Soon, he’s on the run for a murder he didn’t commit… or did he?
{quick unclear jump shots of the murder}
Is he losing his sanity entirely?
{shots of the bizarre dream/dance sequence}
Find out in this thrilling, non-stop action-packed mystery thriller!
Cash Flagg stars in Ray Dennis Steckler’s The Incredibly Strange Creatures!
…Who Stopped Living!
…And Became Mixed-Up Zombies!
@EricJ: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/InAWorld
On an asteroid … That time forgot
(close up of thrusters firing)
Your worst nightmare will come true.
(scene featuring multiple creatures being shot at as they attack)
With Robert Horton:
“Run!” … as Commander Jack Rankin.
And Richard Jaekal:
“Run!” … as Commander Vince Elliott.
and Luciana Paluzzi:
“Run!” … as Dr. Lisa Benson.
Directed by Kinji Fukasaku, that’s who.
Title track song my the guy who sings SHAFT.
Rated RRated PGRated G. Attacking soon in a theater near you.(tentacled creatures throwing showers of electrical sparks everywhere)
If this doesn’t scare you, then you’re a communist who deserves … THE GREEN SLIME.
@EricJ:
Who is Janeane Garafolo (sic)?
One movie trailer cliche that I began noticing a lot when I was watching too much TV as a teenager in the early 90s:
[Star’s Name] IS [Character’s Name]!
Example: “Michael Keaton IS Batman!” (with a very heavy emphasis on the word “IS”). My siblings and I saw it so often that we started to parody it with every movie the family watched: “Rex Harrison IS Henry Higgins!” I don’t watch TV anymore, so I don’t know if they’re still doing it, but it got to the point of being unintentionally funny for a while.
But I suppose that’s better than saying the star’s name all by itself, as in the famous example popularized by MST: “Switch. Jimmy Smits.”
In a world where people live… and die…
[Mitchell shoots guy on golf course]
And drugs enter the country left and right…
Mitchell: What do you know about a man named Mistretta and some Heroin hijacked down in Mexico?
He was about to meet his greatest adversary…
Mr. Cummings: You gonna take all night peeling that orange?
Only this renegade cop would dare to put the heat on the mob…
[Mitchell napping in car outside Cummings’ house]
And risk entering the corrupt underworld…
Thug: Cummings says you’re a cop!
Use his masculine wiles to survive…
Greta: I’m your new friend.
To bring down the hammer of Justice…
[Mitchell shoots Cummings]
This spring: Mitchell
Police Chief: What kind of a policeman are you, anyway?
[Fade to black]
Theirs is a love story like no other. Fate brought them together, society kept them apart. A small boy, a giant turtle, and the people who fight to keep them away from each other. GAMERA. This summer you will believe that a turtle can fly.
A brilliant scientist. An attache of government secrets. A nuclear explosion. A flag on the moon that no one can explain. A cute bunny. TOR JOHNSON is… THE BEAST… of Yucca Flats.
Every year, Hollywood makes hundreds of movies. This is one of them!
MST3K The Movie
@Luther Heggs (#39)
She’s Merritt Stone.
In a world where sleazy acts rule the carnival… SEE psychedelic movie scenes – IN 1964! SEE a movie so grungy, it rivals MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE! Nicolas Cage IS Ray Dennis Steckler IS Cash Flagg as Jerry, in a motion picture with a title so long, it could only be called…
MIXED-UP ZOMBIES!
Rated MST
“In a world where magic has been forgotten…where children frolic, free of the peril of evil curses…where that storefront down the street has been vacant for quite some time…something ancient is about to return…MERLIN’S SHOP OF MYSTICAL WONDERS. HAVE YOU SEEN HIS LITTLE MONKEY?”
“In a world without pods…in a world without people…one boy and his snout-nosed pal are about to change the course of rock’n’roll history. POD PEOPLE. IT STINKS!”
“In a world where ancient aliens have visited the Earth…”
(Shot of orb-like alien spaceship)
“…where long-lost technology is used for evil…”
(Shot of golden mask)
“…where the minds of world leaders are being controlled…”
(Shot of mind-controlled conference)
“…and an mysterious, evil figure is bent on conquest…”
(Shot of Kobras surrounded by paper-mache heads)
“…we have only one hope.”
(Slow zoom in on a tall, muscular, dignified Native American figure)
“A man absolutely determined to stop the evil and save the world…no matter what it takes.”
(Record scratch, and pan over to a less-impressive guy in a silly costume)
“Oh, and this guy is in it, too.”
(MUSIC: “There Goes My Hero”)
PUMA MAN
Each man is a god. Summer. 2015.
#28 Stump Chunkman
A question:
Exactly how much O’Keefe is in that movie?
Oh, and #45
SHE’S NOT MERRITT STONE!
A teenage boy searching for answers. A deadly cult bent on his destruction. Only Zap Rowsdower holds the answers to the mystery that is “The Final Sacrifice”!!