“Just Stop and Aim, You Idiots!”
Crow gives this free advice to the mutineers in “Space Mutiny” and I realized something. Had they actually followed this little “Duh!” nugget, it would have completely changed the outcome of the movie; Ryder is dead, the ship is overthrown and Kalgan is in control.
Of course, it would ruin the movie but lives would be saved, etc.Therefore, what in-movie advice would you give that would greatly affect events or your favorite Mst3k movies? You can’t reveal plot points or secrets and you only get one intervention, but you have the undivided attention of the character or group of characters.
I’ll go with “Killer Shrews.” When Thorne and Griswold arrive, three of the five who are trapped on the island casually stroll down to the beach to meet them. With danger imminent (that’s why Jerry was armed and an 8-foot fence had been constructed) and your salvation arriving as scheduled, have Mario and Radford join you and get on the stupid boat!
I’ve said this before but I’ll say again: John Forsythe, TELL THE COPS THAT ANN-MARGRET IS IN YOUR HOUSE!!
Your advice?
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In “The Unearthly” – For the love of heaven, Grace, you’re putting your life in the hands of John Carradine. Do you understand me…? JOHN CARRADINE!!!
Hell, I’d go to Joel while Dr. Forrester and Dr. Erhardt were still operating at the Gizmonic building and go, “Joel! Box marked ‘hamdingers’! GO! …Never mind that, GO!!!”
…
Then, of course, yell to the heavens, “OMIGOD! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!!”
that the indestructible man is not indestructible at all.
STAAAAAYYYYYYY!
In MANOS I would say,Mike,listen to your wife! She has stated that she doesn’t like it and has a strange feeling about the place.Why are you wanting to stay for?? Listen to your wife and leave!!!
In Forsythe’s defense, Ann-Margrock was threatening to tell the police he had raped her, and that would almost certainly destroy his marriage and his political career. I’m not saying he wasn’t stupid through a lot of the movie. But on that particular point all he’s guilty of is believing in an extremely credible, specific threat.
Now, for The Devil Doll I would have the editor point out to Reporter Guy that a really effective ventriloquist act is not, in itself, something worthy of extensive study by the national papers. It’s just entertainment news, and niche entertainment news at that.
I would tell Ben in TEENAGE CRIME WAVE,”Listen,you were in the service and know how to defend yourself,you can take this little pipsqueak with no problem.Plus,why did you trust Terri when you guys were in the barn? Thinking about her wearing your jeans kind of threw you off somewhat??”
To the Phd in Rocketship X-M. Do not assume that your calculations are correct and Lisa’s are incorrect. It is both unethical and stupid to to risk your crew’s lives on a 50-50 gamble
To the guys in charge of “SST Death Flight”: “Fellas, it’s not a good idea to transport live cultures of a disease that is ravaging Africa on a normal passenger flight. Put it on a special, bio-hazard protected plane with a full medical team. And make sure no nutcase has fiddled with the hydraulics.”
Or…
“Rommel, J.C. is a psycho. Stay away from him and his girlfriend. Don’t even talk to them. Leave town for a while if you have to.”
Or…
“Tony, don’t jaywalk. And look both ways before you step into the road. You never know when a bunch of stupid teenagers will come speeding towards you in a car driven by a spaghetti-throwing punk.”
I’d tell Vicki of “The Deadly Bees” – Ummm, Vicki – Seagull Island is SWARMING WITH BEES. There are BEES AND BEE KEEPERS EVERYWHERE!!! Bees don’t make for a relaxing vacation for an exhausted woman. What psycho loonie would even SUGGEST SUCH A THING??? Hey Vicki – GO TO A SALON!!! Hmmm, let’s see…. pampering, hair and nails done, massage, or BEES??? Decisions decisions…
Yeah, tell that to the millions of screaming fans with their Great Vorelli lunchboxes and their I Heart Hugo banners and their briefcases full of ham …
To those in the Bronx in Escape 2000…leave the Bronx, like the government assassins tell you to do.
To Tony the PumaMan, stay away from cute blondes who think dinosaurs died out because they couldn’t have sex anymore
To the cast of Bloodlust: don’t sneak off to another island while the captain of your boat is sleeping it off
Werewolf: don’t provoke Yuri.
Pod People: Make sure that hippie chick isn’t hidden in the trailer.
No real reason. it’d just prevent her from getting stupidly killed off.
And to the crusty old security guard, I’d say, “Vaults work a hell of a lot better when you actually CLOSE THEM!”
Only problem is that just about anything provokes him.
A couple more involving Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders
To Jonathan “Bob Jackass” Cooper: Apply a little more initiative in your journalism career so you’re not stuck reviewing niche stores in a noting happening one-horse town like Glendale. And being a little more understanding of your wife and her problems wouldn’t hurt, either.
And to the mother in the second half of the movie: Don’t buy that toy monkey in the thrift store window. I mean, yeah, he may look cute and all (except that he isn’t), but it’s not a toy on any kid’s wishlist. Get him a Rock and Roll Martian instead.
To continue with the Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders theme.
To the grandfather – Don’t read bedtime stories to your grandson that will scar him for life.
To the Phantom Prince of Krankor:
You know, you can obtain super-potent rocket fuels by the use of the ordinary mechanisms of international trade. You might even be able to come out ahead on the deal, by offering to carry scientists on purpose since you have spaceships ready to go.
I’d also add: Consider maybe underpants?
Furthermore, the Crusty Old Guard -knew- the hobgoblins were dangerous killers and spent over 30 years keeping them locked up when he could just as easily have blown them all to smithereens.
To the old grandma guy in charge of the archeological dig in “Werewolf”, I’d say, don’t hire violent psychos.
To the crackpot scientist in “I Was A Teenage Werewolf”, I’d say, “Conducting unauthorized medical experiments on unwitting subjects, that turns them into murderous beasts, is NOT a good way to solve humanity’s problems nor will it make you rich and famous. People go to jail for that kind of stuff.”
Then I’d send a copy over to Yuri in “Werewolf”.
I have one piece of all-purpose advice: Just go home. Really, it could be used for any number of movies. Your parents are getting divorced and you decide you want to ride the rails with a hobo? Just go home. You’re a poacher who decides to trash a bunch of alien eggs in a cave, because you don’t know what they are? Just go home. You’re looking for an astronaut mutated into a monster? Just go home (there was no monster anyway).
To Tarl Cabot, I’d say, “Pick better friends, preferably someone who won’t sell you out at the drop of a hat.”
I might suggest to drug kingpins in “Angel’s Revenge” that they hire a better grade of thugs — someone who actually knows how to shoot and isn’t likely to get beaten up by a bunch of girls.
I think I’d just give Hamlet some Zoloft and tell him to stop brooding and move on with his life.
Pffft he refused to serve liquor AND he got all pissy about making some sammiches! Dude deserved to die.
To the guys in “The Starfighters”, I’d offer this sage bit of advice: “DO SOMETHING!!!”
Or as the riff from CT’s Danger on Tiki Island put it, “Yeah, when you see large crowds of people running, always go toward the source of whatever they’re running from…”
I’d tell Tormented’s Tom Stewart to just pay the milkman his five bucks, and not say anything about Vi except a vague, “Oh, did she show up? Because I’m sure she’s not dead or anything. I haven’t seen her or heard from her, which is weird since you ferried her over here. But, you know, she’s somewhere around. Certainly she didn’t fall off the lighthouse, hahahaha! And she’d want me to pay you for your time, since she’s probably really glad to be here, even though she might have an urge to haunt me, or she would if she were dead, which she’s totally not! And I didn’t kill no Vi, neither!”
To the Riding with Death heroes: One, tripolidine is really not terribly explosive. A jug of it will ruin part of a truck but certainly won’t level “an entire town.” Two, Robert Denby is not that elusive.
I’ll clean my glasses while you think about that. squeak… squeak… squeak…squeak…squeak…
Don’t listen to the Sci-Fi channel when they demand a storyline! What are they going to do, cancel you?
Something that would’ve ruined a lot of movies…
“Joel, trust me. Go for the cash. Go to L.A. and do sit-coms. You’re perfect for the wacky neighbor/best friend parts. Sure, it ain’t creative, but this is show biz! Take the money and run. Going back to Minnesota is career suicide.”
Except that his boss obviously thought that it WAS, or he wouldn’t have been assigned to the story to begin with.
And he’d respond, “Listen to my wife?! In 1966?! What kind of crazy talk is that?!”
Well, except that he was going to use the fuel as part of his plan to conquer the whole frickin’ PLANET. Not much incentive for Earth to play ball on that.
To the sheriff in “Village of the Giants”, I might suggest that he find out why he and his deputy are the only adults in the entire town.
I would tell Lemmonkainen to sit back down in the boat and wait until they can get some weapons and reinforcements, instead of going off half-cocked to take back the Sampo by himself.
When the girls get caught vandalizing the school in The Violent Years I might suggest that they think twice before opening fire on the police.
Jimmy who accused his parents could use some advice, but he’s just too stupid for it to do any good.
Why, it’s oily, sleazy talk!
I would tell Nick to listen to Pink Boy, take the transport back to long ago, put a couple bucks into a bank account, come back to present with enough money in interest for funding to never have to deal with Bob Evil.
Sadly this is no longer possible. There are now laws that automatically declare “inactive” bank accounts to be “abandoned” and the money is turned over the state.
In “Gamera” I would recommend some counseling for Kenny, and maybe parenting classes for his folks. That kid is messed up!
In “The Magic Sword”, I would advise Estelle to start writing down important spells and keep copies with her. She could have defeated Lodac long ago and saved everyone a lot of trouble if she didn’t keep forgetting the spell.
In “Secret Agent Super Dragon” and “Codename: Diamondhead”, I would tell the bad guys that sometimes good guys are just _pretending_ to be dead, so it’s always a good idea to put a couple round into ’em just for good measure.
In “The Girl In Lover’s Lane”, I would tell Big Stupid that when you’re outnumbered by hoods intent on robbing you, there’s no shame in going out the back door and avoiding them.
Also, I would suggest that everyone pay attention to the creepy, menacing psycho loner and stop treating him like a harmless eccentric.
In “Last of the Wild Horses” I would tell that sheriff that even in the Old West, they didn’t arrest people for NOT robbing the stagecoach.
In “Laserblast” I would tell Kathy that no matter how small their town is, she could easily find a boyfriend less loathsome than Billy.
You’d probably have to bring back some period appropriate money and hire a lawyer to set up a trust or something that saves the money in the account for a great, great grandson in the future.
So withdraw the money at a time just before said laws are enacted.
I would also share that advice with every James Bond villain. Don’t bother with fancy traps. When 007 is in your sights, just pull out a gun and shoot him. And when your schemes DO do wrong, don’t yell at your minions. YOU came up with the stupid idea, it’s not THEIR fault it didn’t work.