Support Us

Satellite News is not financially supported by Best Brains or any other entity. It is a labor of love, paid for out of our own pockets. If you value this site, we would be delighted if you showed it by making an occasional donation of any amount. Thanks.

Sampo & Erhardt

Sci-Fi Archives


Visit our archives of the MST3K pages previously hosted by the Sci-Fi Channel's SCIFI.COM.

Goodbye Sci-Fi

Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett reflect on MST3K's final broadcast.

Social Media


Weekend Discussion Thread: Back to School

A reader writes in with this:

All the stores are in full back-to-school mode this time of year. So, what’s your favorite school or school-related riff?
I’ve got to go with the classic, yet sadly true, “You know, school always smells the same when you go back. Smells like shame, guilt, and humiliation,” from Teenagers from Outer Space, when Derek and Betty go in the “college,” which is quite obviously a high school.

The first one that came to mind, from “Cheating:”
Miss Granby: I’m afraid I’ll have to give you both a zero on the test.
Johnny (sullen and sarcastic) Yawohl, mein Fuhrer.

What’s your pick?

69 Replies to “Weekend Discussion Thread: Back to School”

  1. Son of Peanut says:

    From Posture Pals, after explaining the posture contest:

    “Miss Martin has a little too much free time on her hands.”

       6 likes

  2. Yeti of Great Danger says:

    “Is This Love?” is one of my favorite shorts, and I get a chuckle from all the school-age related jokes. When we first see the 40-year-old-looking Romulan, Liz, Crow asks, “Geez, how many times was SHE held back?”

       17 likes

  3. From The Home Economics Story – “Kegs will be tapped; men will be used.”

       13 likes

  4. jay says:

    Any Given Gamera Movie –

    “Cram school”. Rinse and repeat. (it was a running joke)

       8 likes

  5. DarkGrandmaofDeath says:

    Two more from The Home Economics Story–

    Narrator: “Then Kay came up with that all-important question.”
    Joel: “How do Pop-Tarts work?”

    Kay: “What are you going to take, Jean?”
    Joel: “I’m going to take Bob for all he’s got.”

       10 likes

  6. skrag2112 says:

    @Son Of Peanut.
    Also from ‘Posture Pals’, when the four kids win the posture contest and are made to wear crowns and capes, Crow chimes in “Their chances of being cool are ruined for life.” Sadly, this is one of the truest things ever.

       11 likes

  7. Murdock Hauser says:

    From “Time Chasers”.

    Who am I kidding? I never went to Castleton.

       17 likes

  8. Sitting Duck says:

    Not actually a riff, but I rather liked the scratch ‘n’ sniff report card invention from Teenagers From Outer Space.

       8 likes

  9. The whole “Old School” sketch from Ring of Terror.

    The Irene Ryan hip clinic

    Napping 101 with the fearsome Dr. Prowler.

    Sex without heart failure.

    Blue Rinses

       15 likes

  10. Also from “The Home Economics Story”…

    Joel: “Iowa State College. The high school after high school.”

    Doubly funny for me, since my younger brother would actually go to college at ISU.

       13 likes

  11. FredBurroughs says:

    All the shop class riffs in “Why Study Industrial Arts?”

       9 likes

  12. duke of puddles says:

    ‘Boggy Creek’ ‘when you major in boggy creek studies you can write your ticket to wall street.’

       12 likes

  13. RedZoneTuba says:

    Another from The Home Economics Story: Joel (laughing): “Five-pound potty? She must have had a big breakfast!!”

       8 likes

  14. FredBurroughs:
    All the shop class riffs in “Why Study Industrial Arts?”

    And the opening riff from Crow: “Because you’re bad at math.”

       13 likes

  15. Ray Dunakin says:

    My favorite is easily the entire “Old School” sketch from Ring of Terror.

       6 likes

  16. Kenotic says:

    Nick, No!!

       2 likes

  17. mando3b says:

    Sigh . . . I have been in love with the winsome, naughty-naughty college girl from Body Care & Grooming for lo these many years. Her smile is freely given and lights up the room; the modesty with which she showers fully-clothed is so refreshing; and I love the way she tells the narrator to please leave her dorm room. She’s beautiful even when disheveled (bravo to Crow for defending her against the smarmy narrator), and I simply can’t take my eyes off those . . . nose. She deserves so much better than the oily Hitler Youth guy who tackles her from behind–but, alas, by now she’s probably long dead . . .

       9 likes

  18. The Great Crowdini says:

    From “The Violent Years”

    The blackboard at the beginning of the movie is first shown:
    Mike: “The thick chalk years!”
    Crow: “Everyone forced to write with the Palmer Method!”

    Right after the girl gang breaks into the school:
    Crow: “I hope they kill Mr. Kotter.

    Following Mike’s Rabbits with big guns and good aim riff:
    Crow: She died as she lived: failing algebra.

       8 likes

  19. jay says:

    Special Thanks To….

    “Teachers of America” and in Season 11 “Teachers of the World”

       10 likes

  20. The Great Crowdini says:

    In “Space Mutiny”, Kalgan sets up the laser that whirs like a drill, then chides Lea for not knowing about ancient dental equipment.

    Tom: “You’re too stupid to learn about dental history!”
    Lea: “Bastard!”
    Mike: “How dare you insult my knowledge of ancient dentistry!”

       7 likes

  21. Lisa H. says:

    Radar Secret Service – “You kids turn off the radar! It’s a school night!”

       10 likes

  22. mando3b says:

    A couple more:
    The running commentary as the camera pans across the students’ faces during the astronomy lecture in Giant Spider Invasion–“toke, bra snap, toke”, etc., capped off by my favorite: “I will grow into my beauty!”
    Then, Crow’s crazed voice answering for the American kid in the Venezuelan Spanish class in Assignment: Venezuela after the perfectly normal teacher calls on him–“Si, commandante!”

       7 likes

  23. Son of Peanut:
    From Posture Pals, after explaining the posture contest:
    “Miss Martin has a little too much free time on her hands.”

    “Their chances of being cool are ruined for life.”

    Stupid Repulsive Anteater:
    Also from “The Home Economics Story”…
    Joel: “Iowa State College. The high school after high school.”

    “This assembly was for the girls only:”
    “OHHhhh….”
    (as male principal) “‘Your Period And Mine: A Lecture.'”

       6 likes

  24. From The Projected Man

    “Go past the drawings of turkeys made out of kids hands …into Miss Jenkins class”

    and this classic from Hobgoblins

    “Yeah Club Scum. So why are there lunch ladies serving tater tots back there?”

       6 likes

  25. The Great Crowdini says:

    From “Progress Island U.S.A.”

    Narrator: “Bilingual schools.”
    Mike: “Bisexual students.”

       12 likes

  26. Cornjob says:

    “Does just walking through it make you want to kill yourself? Well then it’s a high school!”

    -Teenage Werewolf

       8 likes

  27. Brock Lee Rubberband:
    From The Projected Man
    “Go past the drawings of turkeys made out of kids hands …into Miss Jenkins class”

    And, of course, the opening cartoon credits from Moon Zero-Two:
    “Titles by Mrs. Reedy’s’ third-grade class!”

       3 likes

  28. touches no one's life, then leaves says:

    Yeti of Great Danger:
    “Is This Love?” is one of my favorite shorts, and I get a chuckle from all the school-age related jokes.When we first see the 40-year-old-looking Romulan, Liz, Crow asks, “Geez, how many times was SHE held back?”

    That kind of thing tends to ever so faintly annoy me. When I was in college, I had classes in which nearly half of the students were noticeably over twenty, or forty. People go to college at the full range of adult age. Oh well.

    “Mr. B. Natural’s in one of those lockers!”

       2 likes

  29. littleaimishboy says:

    welcome to junior high –

    MR B NATURAL: “Buzz . . . wondering what it takes to become one of the group . . . to really BELONG . . .”

    Conform!

    CONFORM

    C o n f o r m . . .

       7 likes

  30. Hmmm, These Are Good Hot dogs! says:

    Son of Peanut:
    From Posture Pals, after explaining the posture contest:

    “Miss Martin has a little too much free time on her hands.”

    Is that the one where she had them line up in shadows? Can someone explain what was up with the beer guts?

       0 likes

  31. Kenneth Morgan says:

    Posted by The Original EricJ:

    “This assembly was for the girls only:”
    “OHHhhh….”
    (as male principal)“‘Your Period And Mine:A Lecture.’”

    Reminds me of the riff from, I believe, “Why Study Industrial Arts?”:
    CROW: This is like the movie the boys had to watch while the girls went to the gym to watch the other film.

       5 likes

  32. Terry the Sensitive Knight says:

    Kenotic:
    Nick, No!!

    All the best schools had weenie roasts and square dances!

       1 likes

  33. Terry the Sensitive Knight says:

    “I HATE YOU!!! I HATE YOU UNTIL THE DAY I DIE!!!”
    “AND I’M NOT GONNA CLAP THE ERASERS!!!”

    “Down with the globe!!!”

    “We’re gonna bring the 5th grade to its knees!!!”

    “She died as she lived; failing Algebra.”

       5 likes

  34. Cornjob says:

    ” And thanks to Miss Olsen’s 4th grade class for transcribing our super secret clone notes.”

    from Clonus

       3 likes

  35. Murdock Hauser says:

    From “Cave Dwellers”.

    Joel: Made this in shop class. It’s a letter opener.

    A few from “The Creeping Terror”.

    Tom: Back at the high school shop class was cancelled.

    Crow: Meanwhile in second hour bio.

    Mike: Even the AV Club laughs at these guys.

    Mike: Hey! Even the chemistry teacher can get down and shake his booty.

       2 likes

  36. Poor Jimmy Wilson. His essay was so admired by the Ladies Auxiliary(?) for his description of a loving, supportive and close knit family values. They decide to invite mother to join their club. Mom shows up completely ginned up and Jimmy has to get her out of there while over hearing remarks “She’s DRUNK! tee-hee” “WELL, I never…”

    I’m not sure what school he went to (HS/COL) be he ended up in Crime school.

       2 likes

  37. Yeti of Great Danger says:

    Yeti of Great Danger:
    “Is This Love?” is one of my favorite shorts, and I get a chuckle from all the school-age related jokes.When we first see the 40-year-old-looking Romulan, Liz, Crow asks, “Geez, how many times was SHE held back?”

    touches no one's life, then leaves: That kind of thing tends to ever so faintly annoy me. When I was in college, I had classes in which nearly half of the students were noticeably over twenty, or forty. People go to college at the full range of adult age. Oh well.

    But did the 40-year-olds live in the dorms? I’m guessing not.

       5 likes

  38. The Great Crowdini says:

    From “The Final Sacrifice”

    Troy is making faces while feebly searching for water.

    Crow: “Mike, is there any way I can hop into the movie and dump this kid’s books?”

    Later, Troy is hiding in the ground from one of the Mapplethorpe gang.

    Crow: “This is like when they bury me at school. And give me pink belly, and hang me from the goal post, and shave my head, and magic marker my weenie and stuff me in my locker!”

       5 likes

  39. Sitting Duck says:

    touches no one's life, then leaves: That kind of thing tends to ever so faintly annoy me. When I was in college, I had classes in which nearly half of the students were noticeably over twenty, or forty. People go to college at the full range of adult age. Oh well.

    Ring of Terror was fair game, since I doubt those older students you met would have been into joining a frat and going through the initiation hazing.

       3 likes

  40. touches no one's life, then leaves says:

    “Here are the ‘shrooms, Billy!”

    Hmmm, These Are Good Hot dogs!: Is that the one where she had them line up in shadows? Can someone explain what was up with the beer guts?

    Uh, that was because of their bad posture. That was kind of the basic premise.

    Also, poor diet habits, perhaps — people were just plain stupider in the fifties — but that’s an entirely different set of shorts.

    “To pay homage to Gorto!”

    But who IS Gorto? Where did THAT name come from?

    Yeti of Great Danger:
    But did the 40-year-olds live in the dorms?

    I have no idea, I paid virtually no attention to anyone else in my dorm; there could have been eight-year-old super-geniuses living on the floor above me for all I knew.

    However, I know of no obstacle to older students living in dorms if they wished.

       1 likes

  41. Jason Davis says:

    how about earth vs the spider. not really a riff but the really old looking students dancing right by the “dead” spider was goofy and dorky. how did they get the spider in the gym in the first place?

       2 likes

  42. Yeti of Great Danger says:

    touches no one’s life, then leaves:

    I have no idea, I paid virtually no attention to anyone else in my dorm; there could have been eight-year-old super-geniuses living on the floor above me for all I knew.

    However, I know of no obstacle to older students living in dorms if they wished.

    Well, at the large university I went to, no, much older students did most certainly NOT live in the dorms. Perhaps there were no rules against it, but would any normal 40-year-old want to live in a dorm with 18-to-22-year-olds? That would be weird, creepy, and so not cool. However, you seem intent on splitting hairs. Whatever. I still think it’s funny how in so many ’50s movies and shorts, the teenagers were played by actors much, much older than the teen years. Not all, of course.

       5 likes

  43. Yeti of Great Danger says:

    Sitting Duck: Ring of Terror was fair game, since I doubt those older students you met would have been into joining a frat and going through the initiation hazing.

    Yes, Sitting Duck gets it. As always! :-D

       2 likes

  44. mando3b says:

    From Keeping Clean & Neat: “The eighth-graders cull the herd!”

       4 likes

  45. The Great Crowdini:
    From “The Final Sacrifice”
    Later, Troy is hiding in the ground from one of the Mapplethorpe gang.
    Crow: “This is like when they bury me at school. And give me pink belly, and hang me from the goal post, and shave my head, and magic marker my weenie and stuff me in my locker!”

    (But remember folks…Mike’s not a “bully”. He just, y’know, knows about all this stuff in disturbing detail.)

       0 likes

  46. SteveWithAQ says:

    The Original EricJ: (But remember folks…Mike’s not a “bully”.He just, y’know, knows about all this stuff in disturbing detail.)

    Just as you know that he wrote that line. And you know that he never watched any of the late 70s/early 80s high-school and college movies that featured exactly this kind of stuff in “disturbing detail”.

       14 likes

  47. Terry the Sensitive Knight says:

    mando3b:
    From Keeping Clean & Neat: “The eighth-graders cull the herd!”

    “They’ll sniff everyone!”

    *whispering* “Here’s the shrooms, Billy!”

       1 likes

  48. SteveWithAQ: Just as you know that he wrote that line.

    B-but…he’s the head writer! Head writers write EVERYTHING, out of their very head, and the ground springs forth its flowers and rich bounty from the very imprint of their foot! ;)

    touches no one’s life, then leaves: I have no idea, I paid virtually no attention to anyone else in my dorm; there could have been eight-year-old super-geniuses living on the floor above me for all I knew.
    However, I know of no obstacle to older students living in dorms if they wished.

    A few years after some NYU that didn’t work out I tried the big idealistically re-invigorated College Do-Over in my mid-20’s. Yes, THOSE mid-20’s, after the hormones calm down and you finally beat your head against walls over what the heck you’d been doing for the last ten years.
    Since the college was a hundred miles too far to commute, I stayed in the dorms, because I believe that you can’t do college unless you eat, breathe and sleep it 24/7, and because the independence of buying your own bedsheets, coat-hangers and closet-organizers at Target is the first great step at turning-into-your-parents responsibility. (Fortunately, we had an old historic converted YMCA that still had solo dorms–You can guess how well I’d do with a roommate.)

    Suffice to say I wasn’t popular, since that’s also the age when you start feeling a stronger urge to DO things, like studying, finishing essays and keeping a regular sleep schedule–every single solitary danged man-jack of my required Freshman courses turned out to be a morning class–but it can be done.
    (That’s also the age when you start asking “Party? What’s the occasion? Friend’s birthday??”)

       0 likes

  49. The Great Crowdini says:

    The Original EricJ: (But remember folks…Mike’s not a “bully”.He just, y’know, knows about all this stuff in disturbing detail.)

    You were pink bellied, hung by a goal post, Sharpied in the batch and then shoved into a locker by a Mike in high school, weren’t you? Awww

    The Original EricJ: B-but…he’s the head writer!Head writers write EVERYTHING, out of their very head, and the ground springs forth its flowers and rich bounty from the very imprint of their foot!;)

    You can guess how well I’d do with a roommate.

    You would go full on Buffalo Bill.

    Roommate would be thrown in a well, while you rant about evil head writers wearing only a Mike Nelson mask.

       10 likes

  50. Say No To Yes says:

    Vorelli’s impromptu test question:

    “How many maggots am I gagging on?”

       0 likes

Comments are closed.