Bit: Welcome To Deep 13

Episode: 101- The Crawling Eye

Transcription by Bill Evenson

(Camera is focused on the wall of Deep 13. Camera pans left to show Dr. Forrester, using a remote control device to operate the camera. He is humming something.)

Erhardt (entering from the left, anxious): Clay! Clay! I think I was spotted on the way down here!
Dr. F: Did you wear your disguise?
Erhardt: I was wearing my disguise, but I'm just not very good in heels!
Dr. F: No one must know we're down here doing this!
Erhardt: I'm sorry.
Dr. F: Well, it's time to call Joel about the experiment.
[to camera] Come in, Joely-Poely Puddin'-n-Pie!


Joel: Hey, sirs, I'm ready for this week's invention exchange. Check this thing out! I just made it, it's the world's only electric bagpipes. (Produces bagpipes attached to leaf blower) All right... (Turns on leaf blower, begins to play. Joel and the 'bots sing.)
Joel and the Bots (singing): Amazing grace, how sweet the sound...
Joel: Okay, and uh, the robots and I have worked up a special cover version of Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love". You ready, guys?
Crow: Ready! Rock it!
Joel: 2,3...
Joel and the Bots (singing): She's gotta whole lotta love! (bagpipes) Wanna whole lotta love! (bagpipes) She's gotta whole lotta love! (bagpipes) A really whole lotta love! (bagpipes)

[Deep 13]

(Erhardt appears to be in great pain)

Dr. F: I love it! Look... Larry's corneas are bleeding. Oh... Well! It's time we sent you our experimental nugget this week, Joel. Now, human underarm perspiration is something that happens to everyone after they go through puberty....(smirking) which, I assume, includes you, Joel.

(Erhardt chuckles derisively.)

Dr. F (abruptly): When's the last time you saw a dog sweat? Larry?
Erhardt: Never!
Dr. F: Exactly! And why is that?
Erhardt: Dogs don't sweat, that's why!
Dr. F: Exactly! Because of the dog's pineal gland. Nature's own canine antiperspirant. Now. You take the pineal gland, and you make a serum. You get a dog, it doesn't matter what kind of dog, and you inject that serum into a human subject. In this case, Larry...

(Dr. Erhardt places sensors under his armpits and bends over to allow Dr. F to inject him in the hinder. Forrester gets behind him with a large syringe, and examine's Larry's hinder.)

Dr. F: Now, let's see...It's so hard to find a spot I haven't hit...(looking at something on Larry's hinder) Uh, what's this flower? And who's Roseanne?
Erhardt (irritated): Oh, just stick it, will you?
Dr. F: Sail on, Silver Bird! (injects Erhardt, who jumps up)
Erhardt: D'oh, Jeez!
Dr. F: Now, instantly the serum races through the bloodstream like a Porsche Targa 911, commandeering each pore, slamming it shut, like the vault at your favorite savings and loan!

(Erhardt begins panting like a dog.)

Dr. F: And, checking the wetness sensors... (he removes one from Erhardt's pit) ...we see that they are free from wetness, and/or odor. (He looks over at Erhardt.)
Erhardt: (panting) Antidote...Antidote.
Dr. F: Oh! Yes, the antidote. There you go... (injects something into Erhardt's arm) ...the antidote, and here is your treat (removes something from his pocket, throws it in the air. Erhardt catches it in his mouth).


Crow: Oh, brother!
Tom: That was pathetic!
Crow: Eww!
Joel (conciliatory): Hey, no, I thought that was really good, you guys. You're doing really well, and I think that someday, you'll be ready for the Nobel Prize.
Tom: Maybe for fiction!
Joel: Hey! Hey, I noticed you moved. You guys must've got kicked out of uh, Gizmonic Institute for shooting us into space like this, I bet.

[Deep 13]

Erhardt: Oh, don't be ridiculous! We moved!
Dr. F: It's ... It's our grand re-opening! Uh, welcome to Deep 13!


Joel: Deep 13? Wait a minute! That's in the sub-basement of Gizmonic Institute! I had to clean up a flubber spill once there. It's incredibly radioactive!

[Deep 13]

Erhardt (dementedly): Well, it hasn't affected our brain any.
Dr. F: We like it here! Now, we're even closer to the atomic pile. And one day...


Joel: Well, I suppose it's time for you guys to start experimenting on us again.

[Deep 13]

Dr. F (angrily): I'll tell you when it's time to do the movie, you squinty-eyed space chimp!
Erhardt: Oh, uh, Clay?
Dr. F: What?
Erhardt: It *is* time.
Dr. F: Oh. Yeah, I ...
Erhardt: Nice insult, though.
Dr. F: I knew that. Thank you. Well, it's a real stinkburger of a film this week, Joel. It's called "The Crawling Eye."
Erhardt (laughs): Oh, it's got a bad audio track, it's in black and white, and worst of all, it stars Forrest Tucker.
Dr. F: Hmm. Good name, bad actor. I'll put in the tape. (both laugh maniacally. Organ music plays)


Joel: Movie sign! (Joel slaps the table and runs off. Cut.)