Bit: Waffles and Stuff

Episode: 317- Viking Women vs. the Sea Serpent

Transcribed by Wafflekins


Joel (to Cambot): Hey, hi. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Joel Robinson. These are my robots. I want you to consider the lowly waffle.
Tom: Uh, Joel. It's lunchtime, buddy. You know, I'd rather have a manwich, or a blowney sandwich.
Joel: Oh nonsense, Tom. Any time's the right time for waffles!
Crow: Uh, Joel. I think the butter slipped off of your stack 'o' waffles, buddy. Are you feeling okay?
Joel: Sure.
Magic Voice: Commercial sign in fifteen seconds. What are you making there, partner?
Joel (to Magic Voice): I'm making waffles! And save room, Magic Voice. I made plenty. (To Cambot.) Consider the waffle as a fine and suitable alternative for stuffing or potatoes. Because after all, what are waffles, but batter? And what is batter but chopped up grain? You know, there's tons of stuff you can do with waffles, you know. Take some peanut butter and some syrup and make a sandwich, or wrap the hotdog in a waffle and garnish with ketchup ('bots groan in nausea and disgust.) There's tons of stuff you can do...
Magic Voice: Commercial sign in 5, 4, 3, 2, commercial sign now. (Lights flash.)
Joel: ...baked beans are always good...


(Joel is still rattling off recipes, the bots are now wretching with disgust)
Joel: ...well, I like to put chili on mine for a real "south of the border" taste! And if you're really into it, take some waffle batter and mix it with milk, and you've got a waffle shake. But don't tell the kids it's good for 'em. For a delicious spinach waffle...
Tom: Joel...Joel, the mad scientists are calling.
Joel: I've got plenty for them too!
Crow: I'll get it.

[Deep 13]

(Dr. F. is delighted that Joel has apparently gone insane, Frank has an index card and a pen.)
Dr. F.: Well, Aunt Jamima, this time you've really stepped off the deep end. Frank?
Frank: Now do you shred the Swiss cheese, or just slice it really thin?
Dr. F.: Frank, this time I'm really going to hurt you.
Frank: ...I understand.
Dr. F.: Why don't you go get this weeks invention exchange, all right?
Frank: Yes sir...thank you,'ve been very kind to me...
Dr. F.: Frank, you have no clue. Well, Aunt Jemima. Our invention exchange, this week, has to do with meat! Frank?
Frank: Well, you know, recently I've become a vegetarian, and it's worked out great! Really. You know, the other day, my colon looked up at me and said, "Frank, thank you." I said "No. Thank YOU." But now, what am I going to do with all the meat I have stored in freezers? I figured, "Hey, why not bring the meat back to life?"
Dr. F.: That's right. That's why we've invented the meat re-animator. Hook it up, Frank.
Frank: Clear! (Hits chicken with meat re-animator; chicken gets up and starts wobbling around.)
Dr. F.: It's alive! Alive! My corn-fed Minnesota chicken is alive!
Frank: You know, I thought this would a good idea, but this is one weird mamajama.
Dr. F.: What do you think, Cara Cutley?


Joel: Chicken waffles?
Crow: Oh, you're weird. Which results in creativity.
Joel: Which results in my latest invention exchange. It's a very literal interpretation of the old waffle iron. Let's say you love traditional waffles, but you like the classic simplistic styling of the old pancake. No problem. Just douse it with a little Mrs. Butterworth's Spray Starch like that...okay. Cover it with a cloth to avoid burns, and iron.
Crow: Say!
Tom: Gee, it turns an ordinary waffle into a, uh, flat waffle.
Joel: And clean up is a breeze. What do you think sirs?
Tom: Ancient Chinese secret, huh?
Joel: Hmmm?

[Deep 13]

Frank (in knife fight with chicken): Dear God, what have I done?!
Dr. F.: What the heck is going on up there? (Referring to meat re-animator) Hey, Frank, will these work on waffles?
Frank: Uh, yeah. I think so.
Dr. F.: Well, Joel. Today's experiment is a little piece of slime from Roger Corman called "Viking Women vs. the Sea Serpent," but first, a little lesson in "Home Economics." Here's waffle for you, Scarecrow! (puts meat re-animator against screen)
Joel (waffles jumping and flying all over SOL): Living waffles?! Oh, we've got movie siiign!!!

[segment two]

(The bridge of the SOL is covered with a gigantic pile of waffles)
Joel: Okay, hey, take it easy, whoa whoa whoa, hold it up. What I've done is reprogram the robots to love waffles as much as I do. And what we're gonna do is name some important new uses for waffles during this segment. Okay, who's got one?
Crow: Uh, easy to read waffles with enlarged squares for the flavor impaired!
Joel: Good, okay.
Tom: Buckwheat waffles make an excellent shammy for cleaning your car!
Joel: Good.
Gypsy: Dr. Scholl's Waffle Pads?
Joel: Huh? Oh, okay...Now, careful. These are just for demonstration. It would be too bad if the robots got too into it.
Crow: Well, I've always been a breakfast fan myself. You know me.
Tom: Crow, we should really be working on the assignment, but look! They look so good! What a taste teaser!
Gypsy: [inaudible]
Joel: Take it easy now. It would be too bad, if, uh, you robots, uh, we're unable to complete your task because of this big, uh, juicy stack of yummy nummies.
Crow: Oh, waffles...
Tom: Crow! Crow! Get a grip. Gypsy, don't you see what he's trying to do? Snap out of it! Remember the waffle ideas. Waffle dress shields, waffle desk organizers, come on!
Crow: [inaudible] (Crow and Gypsy dive head first into pile of waffles)
Tom: Nice try, buddy.
Joel: That's okay, Tom. Can you just give me one?
Tom: Okay. Acoustic tiles.
Joel: Go on, Tom.
Tom: HA HA! Look out, here comes Tom Servo!!! (Servo dives into waffles)
Joel: How about a Greek waffle called a philofal?

[Segment 3]

(After a couple seconds of silence, Joel walks into view with a plate of waffles)
Joel (when done chewing):....Waffles! (lights and klaxons) Hooo, we've got movie sign!!!

(Doors open)

[Segment 4]

(Servo is surrounded by waffles)
Tom: *Burp* Boy, am I full. I ate too much. I'm begging to think the world would be a better place without waffles! (Crow enter left, adorned with waffles)
Crow: No waffles?!
Tom: Uh, who are you?
Crow: Why, I'm Willy the Waffle! The wonderful, whimsical, wisecracking waffle!
Tom: Huh.
Crow: Can I ask you one question?
Tom: Uh, sure.
Crow: Who the hell are you to decide who lives and who dies?! Do you know the nation's brunch industry employs over 500,000 people? Most of them named Chad? (Joel enters right with pad and pencil.)
Joel: Hi, welcome to Jo-Jo's Waffle Berries. Our special today is game enforced waffles with jack sauce. We also have. (Joel exits)
Crow: Sorry, Chad. We have to lay you off. No waffles. *whistle* Little league baseball would also be impossible without waffles! (Joel enters with hat and baseball glove.)
Joel: Mom! Little league practice is in an hour, can I have some waffles? (Joel exits.)
Crow: Sorry, son. No waffles. *whistles*
Tom: Nice read there Joel, that was...
Crow: Most importantly, do you think Communism and the Soviet Union would have ever been destroyed if it weren't for waffles?
Tom: Come on, what a... (Joel enters with a Russian style hat on.)
Joel (in Russian accent): Hey hey! The crew is a success. All we do now is -- Oh no! Boris Yeltsin, and the crowd in red square is eating waffles and we will crush them now. (Joel exits and come back without hat.)
Crow: That's right. The Russian people. Maple syrup stain on Gorvechav's forehead spells one thing: Free on. *whistle*
Tom: Come on you guys. I was just being ironic. You guys love waffles so much, here have some of mine. I got plenty.
Crow: Oh, that's okay. I'm kinda full. I'm not really into waffles.
All: Oh! Du-du-du, du-du, du. Boing!
Crow: Come on Tom, we got a party to go to!
All: Du-du-du....du-du-du....

[Segment 5]

All (chanting): Waffles! Waffles! Waffles! Waffles!
Joel: Join us everybody, come on Cambot. Give me triple berry!

Joel and the bots sing the waffle song

Joel: What do you think, sirs?
Tom: Pancakes!!!
Dr. F.: Let's face it, sticky fingers. Waffles are no more than a vehicle for butter and syrup.
All: What?!
Joel: They are not!!!
Crow: Hey, you watch you're mouth around waffles!!!
Dr. F.: Ha ha ha, I've got you! (rubbing meat re-animator) Now Frank, I want you to set this up, so they get a high voltage shock every time someone says "waffle."
Frank (eating waffles): What, has someone been saying "waffles" a lot?
(Dr. F. gives Frank a shock to the shammies. Cut.)