Satellite News -- Ward E -- Song406


Episode: 421- MONSTER-A-GO-GO

Transcribed by Erich Mees


(Enter JOEL, going over a clipboard. TOM and CROW are standing around idly, whistling and humming to themselves.)

Joel: Okay. Change furnace filters, done. Jettison dry cleaning, check. Okay, young fresh fellows...

Crow: Huh?

Joel: I've got the rest of the afternoon off to talk about some of the questions of the universe. So, any question you might have, ask me. You have my undivided attention.

Crow: Oh no! We meant to prepare for this!

Tom: Please, Crow, let's don't make it like last week when you asked what was the deal with Jane Pauley's hair, all right? I got this idea... (Tom whispers to Crow.)

Crow (as Tom whispers): Okay, not Jane P--okay--huh?--well then, you do it! You--okay--you ask!

Tom: You want me to ask? I'll ask. Okay. (clears throat) Joel..."The Pina Colada Song."

Crow: Yeah!

Joel: Uh...could you phrase it in the form of a question?

Tom: Okay. Joel...what's the deal with "The Pina Colada Song"? Oh, and I have a follow-up.

Joel: Okay, you mean: "If you like pina coladas..."

Crow: Uh-huh.

Joel: "Getting caught in the rain..."

Crow: Yep.

Joel: "If you're not into health food..."

Crow: Yeah.

Joel: "And you have half a brain..."

Crow: Uh-huh.

Joel: "If you like making love at midnight on the dunes of the cape..."

Crow: That's the one!

Tom: Yep, yep, yep.

Joel: Well, okay, all the early 1980s, Rupert Holmes wrote "The Pina Colada Song" because pina coladas and personal ads were on the forefront of the American consciousness. And, you know, pop songwriters do just that, they write about pop culture. You know, like, y'know, there's Ray Stevens' "The Streak," Henry Gross' "Junk Food Junkie," C.W. McCall's "Convoy," and...others!

Crow: Oh.

Tom: Not so fast, Sir Neon Peon! Okay, so this man and woman are in this relationship for, oh, let's say eight months--that's the average national length of a dating relationship of males 18 to 34--and they don't even know that each other likes pina coladas?! What, would they always panic and order Manhattans or something?

Crow: Yeah, and wouldn't they have probably have [sic] already been caught in the rain together, and then one of them at least mention that they LIKED getting caught in the rain?

Tom: Mm-hmm. And if this couple--well, we'll call them "Rick" and "Julie" for the purposes of this argument--if Julie and Rick have been together for any amount of time, well, doesn't each of them have a responsibility to communicate to the other his or her dissatisfaction with the relationship?

Crow: Yeah, 'cause by responding to the personals ads, they're not only cheating on each other, they're cheating on each other WITH each other.

Tom: Yeah, and since 72% of the population of North America lives in a landlocked state or province, in actuality this couple has no idea whether they like making love in the dunes on the cape!

Crow: And it's probably a one-in-a-kazillion chance that Rick and Julie would actually answer each other's ads!

Tom: Bingo! And although the song tries to paint a rosy picture of a relationship reborn, it is human nature that either Rick or Julie--maybe both, I don't know--would harbor at least a fragment of resentment that the other set out to cheat on him or her, which would unleash itself in fits of passive-aggressive behavior and bitter recrimination!

Joel: Okay, listen, all I'm saying is that Rupert Holmes wrote a song about a couple of popular trends, all right?

Crow (pained): It doesn't make the hurt go away.

Tom: We don't blame YOU, Joel...

Crow: Hey! Rupert Holmes wrote "Timothy!"

Tom: Yeah!

Crow: That was about cannibalism!

Tom: Mm-hmm!

Crow: When was THAT popular?

Joel: Well--listen, Crow, it's a well known fact that Timothy was a duck.

Crow: Huh? A duck?!

Tom: Wha--wait a minute, let's review here. So it's down in a coal mine..."hungry as hell", "Gee, that leg looks swell"...