Bit: Robbing the Diner

Episode: 507-I Accuse My Parents

Transcribed by Martin Billany


(The movie has ended, Joel enters holding a letter.)
Joel: Okay, as we move into the home stretch, I though it would be nice to read a letter, so... (Crow and Tom run on from both sides, holding guns pointed at Joel.) Uh, hi Tom, hi Crow, just getting ready to read a letter.
Tom: Oh, no thank you, that's okay, all we'd like is just a cup of coffee! (Servo makes a coughing sound, which sounds alot like *hamburgers!*)
Joel (doesn't seem to understand) :I'll just get going on this letter then...
Crow: *Hamburgers!* No thanks, uh, no, we're (Nods at Tom) not hungry!
Joel (realises): Oh, I get it! It's like in the movie: (Speaks like the chef in the movie) 'How would you boys like a hamburger?', like that?
Crow: Finally, what took you so long? (To Servo) What a maroon! (To Joel) Now?
Joel: Now what?
Tom: No, no, no! You stupid, stupid man!!! Now you present us with a big, beefy, char-broiled hamburger sandwich, and a french-fried potatoes garnish like in the movie!!! Geez!
Joel: Uh, all I got is this postcard.
Tom: D'oh! Crow, you talk to him!
Crow (sighs): You were supposed to get us a char-broiled hamburger sandwich like in the movie! (Begins to cry, turns his head away from Joel) What is happening to this family?!?! (Breaks down into tears.)
Tom: Come on, honey, there must be a pie cooling in this ship someplace! (Servo and Crow walk off screen.)
Joel: Hey, it's just a movie, guys! (Waits till they've gone, then brings out two plates, one with a hamburger on, one with french-fries, he grins.) Anyway, ha! (Eats a french-fry.) I thought I could read this letter now. (Looks to make sure Crow and Tom are no-where to be seen.) This, it says: 'For Rent, the Barco-Rammer' and it's from Peter Spiers and on the back there (Holds the letter up for Cambot), lets put that on Still-Store on the back (Cambot zooms in on the front of the letter, and then shows the back of the letter), it says 'The Barco-Rammer, indisputably the finest! It will ram, it will pound, it will press, it will do what you want it to do' and then he humorously adds 'A perfect date for Crow and Tom'...which I thought was pretty funny-- (Joel stops, as Crow, driving a tank with the words 'Anne Blythe' written on the side in yellow letters, comes on from the left. Crow points the tank's gun-turret straight at Joel.)
Crow: I accuse *you*, Joel! Now...carefully...hand over the hamburger sandwich!
(Joel places the plate with the hamburger sandwich onto the tank, a hatch opens up on the tank and Servo pops up.)
Tom: Don't let him forget the French-fries potatoes garnish! (Joel places the plate with the French-fries onto the tank near to Servo. As Patton.) Joel you magnificent bastard, I read your menu!!! Come on, we gotta beat Monty in Messina, maggot! (They drive off, leaving Joel stunned, Joel watches them leave.)
Joel: Uh, (Turns to Cambot) What do you think, sirs? (We hear the tank crash into something that sounds like it's made out of glass.)

[Deep 13]

(Frank and Dr. F. have succeeded in digging away most of the cake and now have found the exotic dancer in the centre, who has been trapped. The dancer is covered in cake, Frank is still shoveling away icing into a bucket.)

Dr. F: Uh, sorry Joel, didn't catch that! We came this lose to losing, uh (gestures toward the dancer), losing-
Dancer: Rodney.
Dr. F: Uh, right, right, almost lost Rodney.
Frank (points to the bucket filled with frosting): Is this enough, Dr. F.?
Dr. F: Uh, no way, Frank, there's plenty more frosting left to shovel, and--(Frank looks annoyed.) Oh, just go push the button, ya freaked out maniac! (Frank walks off. Dr. F. takes out a dollar bill, hard to see how much the bill actually is) Uh, look, Rodney, I'm sorry this thing got out of hand, I'd like to make it worth your while. (Slips the dollar into Rodney's trousers; Rodney gets the wrong impression and begins dancing for Dr. F.) Uh, no, that's alright! You've done enough!