Bit: Funeral Talk

Episode: 511--GUNSLINGER

Transcribed by Jacob "JakeThFake" Churosh


(Crow, Tom and Joel are lying in caskets propped up against the desk. Tom hums the first few bars of the Funeral March.)
Crow: So, this is what it's like to be dead.
Joel: Well, roughly. This is what it's like to be in a casket.
Tom: So, uh, why are we doing this?
Joel: Well, aren't you curious?
Crow: About being dead? We're robots, Joel! We're not the ones who have to worry about understand my point? (Tom chuckles.)
Joel: Oh, yeah? Well, at least *I* have a soul, okay?
Tom (dismissively): Yeah, sure you do. Anyway, even though I'm not gonna die, I sure could see having a snappy funeral.
Crow: Not like the one in the movie, though. What a drag!
Tom: No. At my funeral, I'd hope my friends would toss me up and down in a blanket like the Eskimos do, you know? Really go for some height!
Crow: Ooh....How about a beach funeral? You know? Pony keg....bonfire....couples slipping off to the woods to neck.... Prop me up so I can surf!
Joel: Me, I'd go the dignity route. You know: a variety of ethnic foods, uh, maybe a saxophone quartet....
Tom: Ah, dignity schmignity, Joel--I want elephants, lots of them! And circus ladies as my pallbearers. (Lascivious.) And I want 'em enthusiastic and wearing those little frilly skirts, those little tutus....heh heh heh....
Joel: Uh, you know, Tom, cost COULD be a consideration....
Crow: Oh, nonsense, Joel! I'll lie in state for several days at the Corn Palace, while "Hooked On A Feeling" is sung by a choir of castrati.
Tom: You know, there's always the educational route. A real hands-on kind of funeral--details of my embalming written up and distributed....
Joel: It IS fun to think about, isn't it?
Tom: Sure is. So, uh, when you humans die, um--that's it, right? You're dead forever?
Joel: Yeah.
Crow: Well, isn't that like throwing the baby out with the bath water, Joel?
Tom: Yeah. Why don't you just NOT DIE, Joel?
Joel: Well, everybody dies.
Crow (sarcastically): Oh, and if everybody ran off a cliff you'd do that, too.

[Commercial Sign]

Joel: Wh--uh--that's not the way it works....Besides, we've got commercial sign.
Tom: Well, it's just WEIRD, that's all. Maybe it's us.
Crow: Joel, is there any way I could be mummified and placed next to Stalin?
Joel (dismissively): Sure, honey.
Crow: Well, that's what I want. Mummified and placed next to Stalin.
(Tom sighs, begins scatting the Funeral March again, which becomes the theme to "Family Affair.")