Bit: Funeral Talk
(Crow, Tom and Joel are lying in caskets
propped up against the desk. Tom hums the first few bars of
the Funeral March.)
Crow: So, this is
what it's like to be dead.
roughly. This is what it's like to be in a casket.
Tom: So, uh, why
are we doing this?
aren't you curious?
Crow: About being
dead? We're robots, Joel! We're not the ones who have to
worry about it....uh....you understand my point? (Tom
Joel: Oh, yeah?
Well, at least *I* have a soul, okay?
(dismissively): Yeah, sure you
do. Anyway, even though I'm not gonna die, I sure could see
having a snappy funeral.
Crow: Not like
the one in the movie, though. What a drag!
Tom: No. At my
funeral, I'd hope my friends would toss me up and down in a
blanket like the Eskimos do, you know? Really go for some
about a beach funeral? You know? Pony
keg....bonfire....couples slipping off to the woods to
neck.... Prop me up so I can surf!
Joel: Me, I'd go
the dignity route. You know: a variety of ethnic foods, uh,
maybe a saxophone quartet....
Tom: Ah, dignity
schmignity, Joel--I want elephants, lots of them! And circus
ladies as my pallbearers. (Lascivious.) And I want 'em
enthusiastic and wearing those little frilly skirts, those
little tutus....heh heh heh....
Joel: Uh, you
know, Tom, cost COULD be a consideration....
nonsense, Joel! I'll lie in state for several days at the
Corn Palace, while "Hooked On A Feeling" is sung by a choir
Tom: You know,
there's always the educational route. A real hands-on kind
of funeral--details of my embalming written up and
Joel: It IS fun
to think about, isn't it?
Tom: Sure is. So,
uh, when you humans die, um--that's it, right? You're dead
Crow: Well, isn't
that like throwing the baby out with the bath water,
Tom: Yeah. Why
don't you just NOT DIE, Joel?
(sarcastically): Oh, and if
everybody ran off a cliff you'd do that, too.
Joel: Wh--uh--that's not the way it works....Besides,
we've got commercial sign.
Tom: Well, it's
just WEIRD, that's all. Maybe it's us.
Crow: Joel, is
there any way I could be mummified and placed next to
that's what I want. Mummified and placed next to Stalin.
(Tom sighs, begins scatting the Funeral March again, which
becomes the theme to "Family Affair.")