Bit: Leonard Maltin's 2-and-a-half stars

Episode: 706- Laserblast
Transcript by Brett Davinger

Mike: OK, let's look in Maltin's book. He gives this 2 1/2 stars. Ooo, "My Favorite Year" barely edges it out with 3 stars.

Tom: Look here, "Hannah and Her Sisters" is only superior by one star.

Mike: Hey, hey Leonard Maltin gave the same 2 1/2 stars to "My Dinner With Andre."

Tom: "Name Of The Rose," wait, this is a better film than "Name of the Rose," it only got 2 stars.

Crow: "Being There," 2 stars.

Mike: "Lucas Tanner," the movie was directed by Richard Donner?!

Tom: Look Mike, "Birdman of Alcatraz," 3 stars, marginally better than "Laserblast."

Mike: Oh here we go, "Full Metal Jacket" 3 stars.

Mike: Oh, hey "Seven Samurai" 2 stars

Crow: What!

Mike: Just kidding

Mike: According to this "A Fish Called Wanda" was as good a film as "Laserblast."

Tom: "Broadcast News," "Witness," 3 stars, barely superior to "Laserblast"

Crow: Same for "Diner"

Mike: Here we go, hey, this was a better film than "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom."

Crow: That's possible.

Tom: And the same caliber as "Last Crusade," 2 1/2 stars.

Mike: And yet "Blame It on the Bellboy," 4 stars.

Tom: Where?!

Crow: What?!

Mike: Just kidding. Calm down, calm down. So Kim Milford's cock-eyed performance was every bit as good as F. Murray Abraham's portrait performance of Salieri in "Amadeus."

Crow: According to Leonard Maltin, yes.

Tom: "Baghdad Cafe"; brilliant, subtle comedy, no better than "Laserblast"

Mike: Here's where it gets hard; "Harry and the Hendersons" is every bit as good as "Laserblast."

Crow: Carson McCuller's classic "The Heart of the Lonely Hunter," no better than "Laserblast."

Tom: John Schlesinger's Oscar-winning thriller "Marathon Man" on par with "Laserblast" 2 1/2 stars.

Mike: Right, so, Laurence Olivier's chilling performance as Szell, the White Angel, no better than the butt-faced sheriff in "Laserblast."

Crow: Again, according to Leonard Maltin, yes.

Tom: Look here. "Unforgiven"; Oscar-winner, quintessential Western, Eastwood at his finest; however, I think you know where we're headed with this Mike.

Mike: No, I don't

Tom: Same as "Laserblast."

Crow: Same as "Laserblast."

Mike: Ah, here we go, here's a couple more, "Sophie's Choice."

Tom and Crow: Uh-uh.

Mike: Here's one, "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory."

Crow: No!

Mike: "The Great Santini."

Tom: I can't believe that.

Mike: All 2 1/2 stars.