Bit: Digger Smolken Sings

Episode 806- The Undead

Transcribed by (with an assist from Todd Berryman)


Mike: I told you guys, I thought "Digger Smolken" sounded familiar, so I dug out this old album I bought at a garage sale at the same time I bought my beloved copy of Sean Cassidy's "Wasps."
Tom: Mike, every single reference to your past paints an ever darker picture of a damaged, lonely little man.
Mike: Aah, sez you! You wanna hear Digger Smolken or not?
Tom: Are you kidding? Slap that on there, you wonderful man!
Mike: Okay, here we go.... (puts stylus down on phonograph)
Crow (reading the album cover)"Digger Smolken, the darkly comic song stylist of our times, reinterprets the World's greatest hits."
Voice of Digger (singing soulfully to the tune of "Send in the Clowns)"Isn't it RATS? Aren't we a CORPSE? (All react with dismay.) Losing..." (Mike lifts stylus.)
Mike: I was afraid of that. Alright, try this one here.... (Puts stylus down at another point on the record.)
Voice of Digger (singing boldly to the tune of "I'm Just A Girl Who Cain't Say No")"I'm just a CORPSE who can't say FILLLTH, I'm in a terrible RAT!" (All react with nausea. Mike lifts stylus again.)
Mike: Yeah, I think we get the idea on that one. (Places stylus at yet another point.)
Voice of Digger (singing boldly to the tune of "76 Trombones")"Sevety-six dead RATS in the ceme-t'ry, with a hundred and ten CORP-SES in the..." (All have heard enough. Mike lifts stylus.)
Crow: Uh, Mike, you don't happen to have that Sean Cassidy album with you, do you?
Mike: No, no. It's gotta get better that this, come on, let's try this one. (Places stylus on record.)
Voice of Digger (Singing quickly to the tune of "Pick-a-Little Talk-a-Little")"Kill a little, die a little! Kill a little, die a little! ROT ROT ROT! Die a lot, kill a little more. Kill a little, die a little!" (All are appalled. Mike lifts stylus.)
Crow: Go on to the next one it's one of his "lonesome country hits."
Voice of Digger (Spoken, soulfully, to the tune of "Hello Walls")"Hello, FILTH. I didn't see you standing there..." (All react with growing irritation. Mike lifts stylus.)
Crow: Try the next cut. It's called "Suite Judy Blue-Rat."
Mike (hesitant): Okay. I think we know what's going on.... (Puts stylus down on record.)
Voice of Digger (to the tune of "Suite Judy Blue-eyes")"It's getting to the CORPSE, and I'm no FILLLTH any more...." (All are losing patience. Mike lifts stylus.)
Tom: I'm picking up a pattern here....
Crow: Try cut number 16. The liner notes say: "Smolken's tone-pallette is so rich, it's particularly well-suited for music of the early Romantic period." Well!
Mike: Oh, yeah. I'll hear that when I believe it. Okay.... (puts stylus down.)
Voice of Digger (To the opening notes of Beethoven's 5th Symphony)"Ba-ba-ba-FILLLTH! Ba-ba-ba-CORRRPSE! Ba-ba-ba-FILTH, ba-ba-ba-CORPSE, ba-ba-ba-RATS! Ba-ba-ba-FILTH, ba-ba-ba-RATS, ba-ba-ba-DEATH! Ba-ba-ba-DEATH! (Ba-ba-ba-RATS!) Ba-ba-ba-DEATH! (Ba-ba-ba-RATS!) Ba-ba-ba-DEATH, RAT, CORRRRRPSE!!! BAH-BAH-BAH-COFFIIIIN!!!"
Mike: Okay, well, I think we've heard enough of that one... (lifts stylus).
Crow: Hold on! It says he does "a touching STRAIGHT version of 'Greensleeves.'"
Mike: Oh, okay, well, let's see.... (puts stylus down).
Voice of Digger (singing plainly)"Alas, my love, you do me wrong to put me off discourteously..." (All are pleasantly surprised.)
Tom: Kinda nice....
Voice of Digger: "...and I have loved you for so long, delighting in you comp'ny..."
Mike: Nice voice.
Voice of Digger: "Greensleeves is what she wore, and Greensleeves was my delight. Haste, haste to bring her lot, who but my la-dy FILLLTH!!!" (All are once again irritated. Mike raises stylus.)
Mike: Ah! Nah. Of course, there it is. We knew he'd get to it. (To Cambot.) We'll be right back. Try this first cut again.... (puts stylus down on record.)Voice of Digger: "Isn't it RATS? Aren't we a CORPSE? Losing my COFFIN this time of the..."