Bit: Digger Smolken Sings
Episode 806- The Undead
firstname.lastname@example.org (with an assist from Todd Berryman)
told you guys, I thought "Digger Smolken"
sounded familiar, so I dug out this old album I bought at a
garage sale at the same time I bought my beloved copy of
Sean Cassidy's "Wasps."
single reference to your past paints an ever darker picture
of a damaged, lonely little man.
you! You wanna hear Digger Smolken or not?
kidding? Slap that on there, you wonderful man!
we go.... (puts stylus down on phonograph)
album cover): "Digger
Smolken, the darkly comic song stylist of our times,
reinterprets the World's greatest hits."
of Digger (singing soulfully to the tune of "Send in the
Clowns): "Isn't it RATS? Aren't we a CORPSE? (All react
with dismay.) Losing..."
(Mike lifts stylus.)
afraid of that. Alright, try this one here.... (Puts stylus down at
another point on the record.)
of Digger (singing boldly to the tune of "I'm Just A Girl
Who Cain't Say No"): "I'm just a CORPSE who can't say FILLLTH, I'm in a
terrible RAT!" (All react with nausea. Mike lifts stylus again.)
think we get the idea on that one. (Places stylus at yet another point.)
of Digger (singing boldly to the tune of "76 Trombones"): "Sevety-six dead RATS
in the ceme-t'ry, with a hundred and ten CORP-SES in the..."
(All have heard enough. Mike lifts stylus.)
Crow: Uh, Mike,
you don't happen to have that Sean Cassidy album with you,
It's gotta get better that this, come on, let's try this
one. (Places stylus on record.)
of Digger (Singing quickly to the tune of "Pick-a-Little
Talk-a-Little"): "Kill a little, die a little! Kill a little, die a
little! ROT ROT ROT! Die a lot, kill a little more. Kill a
little, die a little!" (All are appalled. Mike lifts stylus.)
Crow: Go on to
the next one it's one of his "lonesome country hits."
of Digger (Spoken, soulfully, to the tune of "Hello Walls"): "Hello, FILTH. I didn't see you standing
there..." (All react with growing irritation. Mike lifts stylus.)
Crow: Try the
next cut. It's called "Suite Judy Blue-Rat."
think we know what's going on.... (Puts stylus down on record.)
of Digger (to the
tune of "Suite Judy
Blue-eyes"): "It's getting to the CORPSE, and I'm no FILLLTH
any more...." (All are losing patience. Mike lifts stylus.)
up a pattern here....
Crow: Try cut
number 16. The liner notes say: "Smolken's tone-pallette is
so rich, it's particularly well-suited for music of the
early Romantic period." Well!
I'll hear that when I believe it. Okay.... (puts stylus down.)
of Digger (To the opening notes of Beethoven's 5th Symphony): "Ba-ba-ba-FILLLTH! Ba-ba-ba-CORRRPSE!
Ba-ba-ba-FILTH, ba-ba-ba-CORPSE, ba-ba-ba-RATS!
Ba-ba-ba-FILTH, ba-ba-ba-RATS, ba-ba-ba-DEATH!
Ba-ba-ba-DEATH! (Ba-ba-ba-RATS!) Ba-ba-ba-DEATH!
(Ba-ba-ba-RATS!) Ba-ba-ba-DEATH, RAT, CORRRRRPSE!!!
I think we've heard enough of that one... (lifts stylus).
Crow: Hold on! It
says he does "a touching STRAIGHT version of
well, let's see.... (puts stylus down).
of Digger (singing plainly): "Alas, my love, you do me wrong to put me off
discourteously..." (All are pleasantly surprised.)
of Digger: "...and
I have loved you for so long, delighting in
of Digger: "Greensleeves
is what she wore, and Greensleeves
was my delight. Haste, haste to bring her lot, who but my
la-dy FILLLTH!!!" (All are once again irritated. Mike raises stylus.)
course, there it is. We knew he'd get to it. (To Cambot.)
We'll be right back. Try this first cut again.... (puts stylus down on
record.)Voice of Digger: "Isn't it RATS? Aren't we a CORPSE? Losing my
COFFIN this time of the..."